The Marriage Bedrock

Since my previous post about Dave’s and my 48^th wedding anniversary, I’ve been asked by several women to tell how our marriage has lasted that long.  Seems it’s a rarity these days.  Roxy* told me she knows of a pastor’s daughter who got married and divorced all in the space of one month, and that she isn’t the only one who’s done the same thing!  What?  Something is crazy, seriously wrong with that picture!  God hates divorce, and it should not happen!

In rebuking Israel for their sins, God said through the prophet Malachi (2:13 – 16), “And this is the second thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.

Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’  Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.  But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit?  And why one?  He seeks godly offspring.

Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.  For the God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts.  Therefore, take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”

If you want to have a marriage that lasts, husband and wife must both start with a solid foundation.

• Submit your life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  (Romans 10:6-10)
• Honor God's Word as the plumb line for your life.  Read it, and take it to heart.

Jesus says, “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.  Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.  But anyone who hears my teaching and ignores it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand.  When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”  (Matthew 7:24-27 NLT)

The place to start preparing for a solid marriage is when you’re dating.  Whom you choose to date is extremely important!  Find out whether or not they are a sincere follower of Jesus; don’t date someone who will lead you away from your love and obedience to the Lord. 

•      Be in spiritual agreement.

God says in Amos 3:3, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”  My friend, it is imperative that you and the person you date are of the same mind when it comes to spiritual matters.  Do not date a person who does not share your faith!  Once you get emotionally attached to someone, it’s very hard to break away, so find out before you date them what they believe about Jesus.  I have heard many stories of trouble and heartbreak from women because they thought they could bring their boyfriend to faith in Jesus or change them after they got married.  No, you must be on the same page spiritually before you get married, or else don’t marry them.  You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble and pain.  Not just you, but your family as well.  When you marry someone, you also “marry” their family.  

• Commit to sexual purity when dating (and after you’re married).

My mother instilled in me the virtues of sexual purity and proper behavior toward the opposite sex.  My Amish / Mennonite parents had a deeply committed relationship, in spite of the fact that my mother’s dad abandoned the family when she was a little girl, and came back after fourteen years of absence.

 

I was taught to obey their dating guidelines, as Dave did his parents, who came from the same cultural background as I.  Even though we didn’t like it, we respected our parents’ wishes to not see one another but once a week, and that was on Sunday evenings when he brought me home after church.  I was a senior in high school, and Dave had quit school because he hated it with a passion.  So we wrote notes back and forth several times a week, with his twin brother Jonathan acting as mail carrier.  So we didn’t even see one another in school.  Dave did take me to our youth group activities (he went to a different Mennonite church) and also sang in our youth choir; so I saw him at those occasions.

  

We had no television, didn’t go to the movies or go bowling, because as Mennonites, we didn’t believe a Christian should do those things.  On a typical Sunday night date, after we got home from church, we joined the family in the kitchen for snacks, and Mom always had good things set out to eat.  Sometimes we worked on a puzzle at the dining room table with my parents and four brothers, or played a board game.  When the family went to bed, Dave and I usually had an hour or so alone together when we listened to LP records as we sat on the living room couch and sometimes held hands.  As we listened, we talked about such things as our commitment to sexual purity (yes, we discussed it!) and love for the Lord, sermons and scriptures that were meaningful to us, school, and family happenings.  (More than once my youngest brother George was caught peeking around the corner at us before Mom made him go back to bed.)

 

After six months of dating, I had my first kiss (on my forehead) as Dave was leaving for home at 10:30 one Sunday night.  When I kissed him back on the cheek, he told me later he floated home.
  

In warmer weather, we took walks together on the farm.  Talking about our commitment to stay sexually pure guarded us against yielding to temptation.  We valued sexual purity and therefore had deep respect for one another.  Young people need to commit to proper behavior before temptation strikes so they will stay pure.  And that only comes by placing a great value on the Word of God. “How shall a young man cleanse his way?  By taking heed and keeping watch [on himself] according to Your word [conforming his life to it].”  Psalm 119:9 (Amplified Bible)

Being promiscuous before or after marriage robs the marriage bed of sacred joy.  But let me hasten to add that for those who have been promiscuous, there is forgiveness and healing through Jesus Christ our Lord.  If you’re dating (or married) and have succumbed to promiscuity, acknowledge your sin, receive your forgiveness in Jesus, change your thinking, stop the behavior, and be renewed by Jesus.  But it’s so much better not to have to deal with intrusive memories of sin and wrong-doing in the first place.

I’m very concerned that too much of the church has succumbed to the culture of the world that treats sex as a recreational sport.  That mindset needs to change.  Your body is not your own; it belongs to God if you’re a Christian.  God created the sexual experience for a spiritual and emotional bonding between husband and wife; it’s sacred, and must be treated as such.

The four things I’ve mentioned in this post are the bedrock of a lasting marriage.  Also vitally necessary for building your house on that bedrock are life skills in communication, conflict resolution, and understanding your mate by being aware of the differences between male and female thinking.  More on those in another post.

I bless you, dear reader, in Jesus’ name!

*Name has been changed.

Copyright © Elaine Beachy

Love Letters

Our wedding picture, November 10, 1967

“How do we want to celebrate forty-eight years of marriage?” I asked my husband, Dave.  “I have women’s Bible study in the morning, and in the evening we need to be at church to lead our Love and Respect small group,” I reflected.  Dave looked at me and asked, “What do you want to do?”  I thought a bit, then said we could have lunch out somewhere, to which Dave added, “Maybe afterwards, we could read our old love letters.” 

“Ooh, what a great idea!” I cooed.  “We haven’t seen those letters in all our forty-eight years of marriage!”  So it was settled, and I was quite proud to tell all my girlfriends at the Bible study of Dave’s brilliant, romantic idea.

I’d carefully packaged and stored our love letters in the cedar chest Dave had handmade for me as an engagement gift.  I have always treasured that cedar chest, knowing the love that went into making it.  

The cedar chest Dave hand-made for me as an engagement gift

During lunch at Longhorn Steakhouse, we reminisced about our two years of being apart when he was in Hannibal, Missouri, and about our wedding day, our honeymoon, the mobile home that was our first residence, the state of our finances as newlyweds, Dave’s first job, his employers…

At home, I watched in great anticipation as Dave opened the cedar chest and pulled out one large brown package and one shoe box filled with love letters.  He carried them to our dining room table, and from the brown grocery bag, I pulled out three separate stacks of letters tied with string.  So many letters!  I hardly knew where to start, but thankfully I had sorted them before storing, and we found the first letters we wrote one another after Dave left to begin his two-year term in Voluntary Service in Hannibal, Missouri. We saw each other only twice during those two years when he came home for a visit, and he asked me to marry him in May of 1966 when he was home for a visit.

At random, I picked up a letter I sent to Dave dated May 27, 1966, and was surprised as I read, "Your comments about the poem I wrote made me feel very happy, dearest.  I always have enjoyed writing poetry, and I've often been tempted to try writing a book on the life of a common Mennonite girl -- like me!  Ha!  Say now, I just might write an autobiography someday -- some young person may benefit from my experiences -- especially with you.  Ha!  I could write quite a few chapters about that! Ha!"  (I sure used those "Ha's" a lot, didn't I?)  Ha!  I wonder what poem I had sent him?  I'm sure I'll come across it.  But I digress.  Those words about writing my memoirs are still a desire in my heart, and I have become a writer and a published author of three children's books, with a book of poetry waiting in the wings for publication, and am also currently writing a cookbook!  

Postage was 5 cents!

A valentine Dave sent me from Missouri

What a treat to re-live the memories of those days and remember the details of week-to-week events!  We barely made a dent in those stacks of letters, but I’ll keep them out on the table for a while.  We both noticed immediately the Calvinistic bent to our beliefs, how spiritually law-based we were, and how much more we have grown spiritually!

In one of my letters dated October 11, 1965, I wrote, “Mom said, ‘You know, Dave is a young man who really has strong convictions and principles behind him, and he isn’t afraid to have a strong backbone.”  Our letters were frequently punctuated with “Honey, My Darling, Sweetheart, Precious,” and reminded me of our first love for each other.  We laughed a lot together, and laughing together always strengthens and renews bonds of friendship.

We even found notes we sent each other in our high school years!  Dave quit school in his eleventh year to help his dad on the farm, and completed his education via correspondence school.  I was in my senior year, and we'd just started dating, and I was quite saddened by his decision.  But we wrote notes back and forth, with his twin brother Jonathan (who loved to tease us) playing mail carrier.  We especially had fun reading those long-ago notes!     

Today, I find myself looking at Dave in a little different way – appreciating anew the memories we made and the experiences that have cemented our love and friendship.  I thank God for the rich and fulfilling marriage we share.

My friend Nanci on Facebook wrote, “You both are such an inspiration and role model for so many.  You should write a blog [post] for newlyweds and young couples on what it takes to stay married through so many years.”  

Thank you, Nanci; I plan to do just that!

Copyright © 2015 Elaine Beachy