"C" Is For Communication

Communication includes verbal conversation, facial expression, body language, and non-verbal signals.  It can be Morse code, sign language, Braille, writing, pacing and volume of our voice.  We make a statement by our taste in clothes, personal appearance, or how we decorate our homes and take care of our personal property. 

Communication is such a vast subject, but for now, we’ll concern ourselves mainly with communication among family and friends.  I wonder how many teenagers clam up, seclude themselves, and turn to drugs or alcohol or both because they feel unloved and estranged from their parents because of lack of good communication?  How many husbands and wives suffer the erosion and destruction of their marriages because of very little and poor communication?

Relationships can become strained, broken or toxic because of no, or destructive communication.  Before you try to communicate with a child, friend, spouse, or extended family member where things aren’t going so well, ask yourself these questions:

·         Do you care how he/she feels at the moment?

·         Do you care that the relationship be restored?

·         Will you allow his/her perspective to be heard?

·         What do you love or value about this person?

·         Is an emotional connection more important to you than the topic at hand?

·         Do you manipulate to win or get what you want? (Such as shaming them, yelling, crying, etc.)

It’s been said that good communication is everything.  Sometimes communication is hindered and difficult because of different cultures, different worldviews, and different Biblical beliefs.  But most of the time I believe it’s because we haven’t learned the art of good communication.

Learn To Listen

I read of a lady I’ll call Wilma who felt she had to be the life of the party and be a good conversationalist.  Before she attended an event, she’d research various subjects to have something to say.  She tried hard to make conversation, and tell funny jokes.  But by the end of the evening, Wilma was exhausted.  Then she decided from now on she would just listen to other people talk, and found she really enjoyed herself!  She made comments now and again while mostly listening, and she learned a lot.  She found she had genuine interest in the other person’s subject, and as she engaged in the conversation, Wilma became known as a great conversationalist!  Here are some things I believe will help us be better at effective communication: 

Be A Good Listener

• Ask questions.  It shows you’re interested in what they have to say.
• Listen with your eyes.  Don’t let your eyes wander around the room, or look at other people, or try to listen in to someone else’s conversation as though you might miss something interesting.
• Don’t be a “know-it-all.” 
• Good listeners “complete the loop.”  Here’s what I mean: Person A makes a statement.  Person B acknowledges the statement.  Person A confirms the acknowledgement.  For example:

           Susan:  “Did you stop at the store for milk?”

           Bob:  “Oh, I’m sorry; I forgot all about it!”

           Susan:  “I’ll go out after dinner and get some.” 

Or, Susan could ask him to please go back out and get some milk if she really needed it for dinner.  Can you see what could happen if Susan refused to answer Bob after he said he forgot the milk?  He could feel unforgiven, or hurt.  That’s how a rift can set in, and develop into resentment or a full-blown argument.  The silent treatment is so destructive.  Don’t do it!  Complete the conversation loop!

Communicate Through Touch

You can communicate warmth without words.  When a woman is talking to another woman, she might impulsively reach out and touch an arm, hand or shoulder to show empathy in what is being shared.  Men communicate by touch with other men differently; they might shake hands, give a light slap on the back, or give a playful punch in the stomach, or put a hand on a shoulder. 

I’ve read that the skin of most Americans is starved for the warmth and caring of touch.  The Italians and French touch each other in conversation up to one hundred times during an hour.  Americans: fewer than three times.  

The laying on of hands for healing is part of the Christian ministry Jesus modeled for us.  Touch does more than we realize.  The Bible says Jesus was moved with compassion for the multitudes who were sick, and I believe that faith toward God mixed with compassion for the individual is what releases the healing power of God in Jesus’ Name.  He is our example.

Husbands and wives who don’t show affection anymore are “out of touch” with each other, and develop sexual intimacy problems.  Keep your marriage strong.  Communicate through touch!

Our young children and teenagers desperately need to be hugged and shown affection.  I’ve read that the average child ceases to receive parental affection through touch around the age of six.  What a shame!  We are created to experience and thrive on love and affection.  Our children can become emotionally starved and shriveled because of lack of touch (and effective communication through words.)  Let’s hug our children, regardless of age.  Even our grown, married children still need our love and affection.  Without it, families fall apart too easily.  Keep the hugs going!

Affirm Where You Can

Children and teens especially need words of encouragement as they form their image of who they are as individuals.  Compliment them on their looks, their good behavior, their helpfulness, etc.  Find something to compliment.  Let them know you are glad they are in the family.  If they mess up, talk to them in love and correct them without “flying off the handle” in anger, as we say.  They will learn to parent from you.  And the best thing you as a parent can do is show them how much God values them.  Read Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24 with them.

Explain Yourself

When beginning a conversation, don’t throw out a statement and assume that the other person knows what you’re talking about or what you’ve been thinking.  Preface your comments by putting them into context.  This will avoid confusion and irritation, which detract from good communication.  

Basis For Good Communication: Truth

In the words of Holy Scripture, Ephesians 4:15, God tells us to speak the truth in love.  And Colossians 3:9 tells us, “Do not lie one to another…”  Proverbs 6:17 declares that the Lord hates a lying tongue.  Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.”  Proverbs 21:6 says, “A fortune made by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a deadly snare.” 

Proverbs 26:15 -28 has a lot to say about meddling in someone else’s affairs, deceiving a neighbor, gossip, quarrels, having a malicious heart toward someone, flattery.  It says a lying tongue hates those it hurts. 

Edwin Louis Cole says, “Truth is life’s most priceless commodity.”  And it is.  How do you communicate?  Do you tell the truth, or “little white lies?”  Lying erodes trust between child and parent, husband and wife, teacher and student, employer and employee.  It burdens and destroys our judicial system, financial system, police system, political system, and our government: local, state, and national. 

Indeed, the train of society must run on the track of truth, or else it will derail and self-destruct.  What if your bank lies about your bank balance, defrauding you?  What if someone falsely accuses you, and you are sent to prison unjustly?  It happens!  (I think of Joseph in the Bible, and a falsely-accused pastor I’m writing to in prison.)   Politicians have won elections through fraud and deceit, and public trust is eroded.  Businesses can suffer and close down because of dishonest practices.  We can see how important honest communication is.  Let your communication be "yes" or "no."  Anything more than this comes from evil. (Matthew 5:37) Tell the truth!    

Good communication is not about how well you speak, how glib and smooth you sound.  You may stutter or stammer, have facial tics or whatever.  But if you have genuine love in your heart for your children, spouse, family and friends, are a good listener, give sincere compliments and speak the truth, you will be a good communicator. 

For more on friendship and communication, I recommend two books:

• The Friendship Factor by Alan Loy McGinnis
• Communication, Sex, and Money by Edwin Louis Cole

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy