Do you know the love language of your spouse and family
members? What makes you feel connected
to them? How well do you know your own
love language?
Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages,” describes
five basic ways a person feels loved. As
we celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s good to be reminded how we can help the
people in our lives feel loved.
The five categories that help us identify our love languages
are:
- Touch
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
I liken these “love languages” to emotional fuel. Each of us has a love tank that needs
refilled from time to time. When it gets
empty, we tend to get grouchy and not relate well to those closest to us. It brings out the worst in us. Understanding people’s love language can help
keep us from harboring an attitude of offense and bitterness toward them.
A Touch-oriented
person needs kind physical touch to feel safe, nurtured, loved, and
cherished. They thrive on an
affectionate arm around the shoulder, a gentle touch on the hand, a massage,
etc. Touch is the most invasive of
people’s personal space, so if you are not a “touchy/feely” person, you may be
uncomfortable meeting this need in others.
The Touch person should communicate his/her needs so both parties can
relate well to one another. The
following true story is an example.
[Names were changed]
As they spent the day together, Nancy desired a deeper level of bonding with her
sister. She curled up on the couch next
to Alma as they watched a movie together, and
after awhile put her feet in Alma ’s
lap. Her sister reacted with immediate agitation:
“Get your feet off my lap!” Thankfully, Nancy was aware of the
five love languages. Just because her
own love language was touch, didn't mean Alma ’s
was the same. It kept her from feeling
rejected and taking offense to Alma ’s
boundary, and she said, “Oh – okay.”
On Tuesday I was in a women’s group, and a young mother shared
an experience about her five-year-old son.
As she rubbed and scratched his back at bedtime, he spoke up and said,
“Mommy, when you scratch my back, it feels like you love me!” Wow.
Out of the mouth of babes. No
doubt about it: his love language is “Touch.”
An Acts of Service
person thrives on intentional acts of kindness.
They measure how much they’re loved by surveying their surroundings to
see what has or has not been done for them.
A messy environment and seeing what needs fixed irritates them. Examples are: a TV left on which nobody is
watching, clothes strew around, and chores left undone. An unsafe environment because
someone is thoughtless or procrastinates in fixing things drains their love
tank too.
Gifts people give
gifts on a regular basis, and in turn expect to be given gifts as well. They want to feel that you know them, pay
attention to them, and understand them. The
phrase, “It’s the thought that counts,” was definitely coined by a Gifts
person. Their driving thought is, “Do
you know me?” and “Am I on your mind?” Have you ever given a gift to someone who
didn't seem to especially appreciate it, and you felt hurt? Maybe her love
language was “words of affirmation” or “quality time” rather than gifts. You
probably gave a gift because that’s the way you perceived love from someone, or
out of habit just assumed she’d want a gift.
Quality Time
people want to know you are interested in what interests them: a hobby, book, sports,
a TV show, etc. They value good
conversation and feel loved through personal, undivided attention. They feel “I’m important to you.”
Words of Affirmation
people notice facial expression, body language, tone of voice and choice of
words, and feel loved when these are all positive. They pick up on the “spirit” in which
something is said, and feel loved when someone verbally expresses enjoyment of
who they are. A person whose love tank
needs words of affirmation can more easily be hurt by angry, critical and
negative words, and can easily withdraw into themselves or lash out with their
own weapons that wound. Use the “sandwich”
technique when you need to offer constructive criticism to a Words of
Affirmation person. Layer the criticism
between the top and bottom layer of affirming comments. Jesus used this communication style in
addressing the seven churches in the Book of Revelation, chapters 2 and 3.
We should not expect our loved ones to automatically pick up
on our love language. We are also
responsible to verbalize our feelings and not “clam up” in anger or frustration
when our love tank is low, and assume they just don’t care. Statements such as, “When you say I look
pretty, I feel loved,” will let them know what fills your love tank.
For more on the subject of love and relationships, I
recommend Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” and “Keep Your Love On”
by Danny Silk.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It is not rude, it is not
self-seeking. It is not easily angered;
it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does
not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.” I Corinthians
13:4-7 NIV
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Copyright © 2014
Elaine Beachy
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