The Trust Factor in Communication

We develop trust (or distrust) from the time we're born.  As babies, when we were  hungry, cold, wet, tired, or in pain, we expressed that need through crying.  A parent picked us up, the need was addressed, and trust established.

Dr. Spock's seriously flawed theory was that one should just let the child cry so as not to "spoil" him. However, that can start a cycle of mistrust rather than trust.  If we're left to cry for long periods of time, we learn that it's painful to not have our needs met when we voice them.

Then as we grow up, we close our heart (and mouth) because we're afraid people will reject us; we don't "cry" any more.  Our relationships become superficial. We think, "If they really knew what I thought our how I feel, they wouldn't like me."  So we close our heart. Or we may lash out with criticism and judgement that says, "I'm keeping you away from me.  It hurts to not have my needs met."

When we learn to not have our needs met, we develop an orphan spirit.  From an orphan spirit, one turns to something to have that need met, such as sexual promiscuity, homosexual tendencies, alcohol, drugs, pornography, addictions, etc.

The good news is that Jesus promised, "I will not leave you as orphans."  (John 14:18) He will heal every heart hurt if we come to Him with it.  He says, "Forgive all the people who've hurt you; trust Me first, and I will heal you from every hurt you'll ever have."  Don't ever close your heart to anyone.  Boundaries may need to be established to not let someone abuse us, but our hearts can still be open to them as we pray God's best for them.  If we trust God to heal every heart hurt, our identity will change; we'll feel strong.

Sally's mother was angry and critical when Sally left her denominational church to join a non-denominational one.  Mother continually insinuated that Sally was into doctrinal error and the rift between them widened.  One day Sally realized she needed to find her voice and tell her mother how she felt.  She needed to be understood.  Sally went to her mom and said, "Mom, when you talk to me like that, I feel disrespected.  You don't even know what I believe. Would you like me to tell you what I believe?"  That was the beginning of the healing of their relationship.

Another time, Sally was at a "girl's movie night out."  The hostess said, "Sally, you get to pick tonight's movie."  But before Sally could pick one, the  hostess grabbed one and put it in the VCR.  But Sally had learned to find her voice.  She spoke up and said, "I feel controlled."  It made Sally feel free of the whole scenario and put it back on the hostess to let her respond however she wished.  Had she said, "You're so controlling," it would have been a hostile expression of judgment toward the hostess.

Have you ever been around someone where you could feel the emotional tension by their actions, but they wouldn't talk?  When you asked them what's wrong, they replied, "Nothing."  Yet they want you to figure out what they're so upset about.  Maybe you've been such a person.  Many people lack the life skills needed for good communication.

Learn to express yourself -- your needs.  Don't expect your needs to be noticed by someone else. Sometimes we think people should be able to read our minds.  But my responsibility is to know what is going on inside of me and express it.  You are responsible to know what's going on inside of you and express it.  I am not responsible to know what's going on inside of you.  You're responsible to communicate your need to me.

Why don't we say what we mean?  Why don't we say how we feel?  The answer is fear of rejection. Speaking the truth in love will always work; love always works.  God's kind of love never fails.

How's the trust factor in your communication?

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I wrote this post from notes taken during this morning's session of Women's Life at Living Faith Church in Manassas, VA.  Thank you, Sally, for your excellent teaching!  Sally facilitates Sozo Ministry for inner healing at Living Faith Church.  The church website is www.livingbyfaith.com. 

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy