Mother and Child

A news story on Manassas Patch caught my attention the other day.  A Fairfax, VA woman, Adrianna Teran, who reportedly gave birth to her child at home, has been indicted on charges of first-degree murder and child abuse in the killing of her baby last year, according to the Washington Post.  She walked into Inova Fairfax Hospital with the baby’s body in May 2013.  Police said a medical examiner ruled the death as a homicide and the cause of death was a blunt force trauma to the head. 

My husband Dave and I discussed our culture’s chilling disconnect between the sentence of first-degree murder for this mother, and the “legal” killing of a baby any time before it draws its first breath.  I felt I had to speak up, so I posted a comment on Manassas Patch. Needless to say, it drew some fire! 

I wrote, “Okay, so yes, what this woman did in killing her day-old baby is horrible, atrocious, and deserving of the sentence of murder.  But explain this: why is a woman not prosecuted for killing her baby in the womb?  Why isn’t she prosecuted as a murderer when “doctors” suck the brains out of her baby as it’s coming down the birth canal?  Why are abortion clinics allowed to exist?  Why is a mother encouraged to kill her baby in the womb if it’s inconvenient to give birth to it?  Hmm?  What an evil, double standard!  Abortion is murder, PERIOD!  Wake up, people!

Catherine R. from Fairfax wrote a rebuttal: “It’s not the same thing, Elaine.  Pro-Choice means you don’t ever have to have an abortion if you don’t ever want one.  But you are not entitled to force your beliefs on anyone else.”

Really?  I responded:

“It IS the same thing, Catherine.  Ending the life of your baby in or out of the womb is murder. I am not forcing my beliefs on anyone; you speak your mind, I speak mine.  The sad thing is, the baby has no “choice.”  It’s the mother who “chooses” to murder her baby. I know people don’t want to hear that, don’t like to hear that, but it’s the truth.  Pro-Choice, as you call it (I call it Pro-Abortion) gives the mother the legal right to murder her baby.  Sad day in America for sure!  Just because something is “legal” in our country does NOT mean it’s morally right.  And therein lies the problem.”

One person posting as “Vienna” agreed with me that abortion is murder.

Later, as I worked in the kitchen, I felt led to add this comment to Manassas Patch:  “I do want to add that for those women who’ve had abortions, my heart goes out to them, because I’ve personally heard friends say how their pain of abortion negatively impacted them for many years. They found forgiveness and healing of their soul when they asked Jesus to forgive them, because they were truly sorry.  Jesus will heal and restore all who come to Him.  There is a wonderful ministry called Sozo here in Manassas for anyone who desires inner healing from trauma of any kind.”  (Living Faith Church in Manassas provides the Sozo ministry).

The following quote is from Deborah K. (whose comment was deleted after posting, but still came into my e-mail).  “I think where Elaine and so many others are missing it is that Elaine calls Pro-Choice Pro-Abortion which it is not.  Pro-Choice is the right for the woman with the counsel of her family and doctor – if she so chooses their counsel – to choose what is best for her. There are times when a woman’s health can be severely threatened due to the health condition of the mother where the added strain of carrying a baby could harm the mother’s health.  Pro-Choice doesn’t mean Pro-Abortion.  Pro-Choice is the inherent right to make a decision for yourself and your unborn baby without interference from anyone else. And like Catherine said, Pro-Choice means you don’t ever have to have an abortion if you don’t want one.  There are too many people trying to force their beliefs (religious or otherwise) on others – and it needs to stop.  They wanted me to have the amniocentesis test when a blood test came back abnormal.  But with the amniocentesis comes the risk that you could potentially lose or harm the baby (a risk of the procedure.)  They (my HMO referral doc) told me, “But the baby might have Downs or club foot, etc.”  I then said that would be fine with me.  They said but you should have the test – and I said why would I put an additional risk onto the life of the baby if I’m fine with the outcomes you are suggesting.  I didn’t have the test, and the baby was 100% fine.  Beware of these referral places as they make money off every test they can convince a woman to have – they want to be able to bill back to the HMO.  Bottom line – I made my own decision without being forced to do something I didn’t want to do – an inherent right = FREEDOM.” 

Sandra B. entered the discussion: “Reasonable people can disagree when life begins.  Some believe it is at conception, some at time of viability outside the womb.  Unreasonable people try to push their beliefs on to others.  For those who decry abortion, I’m sure you also support sustaining life past birth, right?  -- including helping mothers and children who need food stamps, WIC, and health insurance, including expanding Medicaid, right?”

I replied, “Sandra, you said “Unreasonable people try to push their beliefs on to others.”  Aren’t you trying to push your beliefs onto others?  A battle of ideas and beliefs that goes back to the Garden of Eden has always existed.  Disharmony and arguments have always existed. Only God has all the Truth.  That’s why God, our Creator, gave us His truth by written Word so we would know the right choices to make for success and peace in life.

“God (not I) declares when life begins, in Psalm 139:13-16 (New Living Translation).  It says, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day passed.”  God says life begins at the moment of conception.  So I choose to believe what God says.  God has a good plan laid out for each person conceived, but when people choose to abort that God-given life, it hurts His kind and loving heart.  I wonder how many doctors, scientists, inventors of good things, etc, that would have blessed our nation and the world, were aborted?  I grieve with God for every lost life. 

“To answer your last question/statement, Sandra, YES I support sustaining life past birth.  I believe in helping the helpless.  Absolutely.  What I don’t believe in is a bloated bureaucratic system that rips off the tax payer and feeds itself by encouraging unnecessary dependence and disincentive in people – a system that deadens dreams and potential in generations of people.  God has answers for that, too, if our lawmakers would take them into account.”

Sandra B. replied, “Yup, just as I expected.  You get to choose who is deserving, post-birth.  You get to choose what is “unnecessary dependence.”  You might want to look up some quotes from Jesus.  Don’t remember him putting qualifiers on helping the poor.  In your system, the Government gets to choose how a woman handles her pregnancy, then tells her it’s her responsibility to raise the baby. Must be nice to have it both ways.” 

Sigh.  Do you see the battle we’re in, folks?  Total distortion of what I said and refusal to believe the truth shows hardness and bitterness of heart.  I am all for helping the truly needy.  She chose to deflect the original issue that abortion is murder, the taking of a human life, and respond with sarcasm.  The government has always had “qualifications” for receiving financial help.  And yes, the woman is responsible before God to either give the baby up for adoption or raise the child herself with the help of family and friends.  The government must not sanction the murder of innocent babies!

Now to the conjecture made by Catherine R. and Deborah K., that Pro-Choice means "you don't have to have an abortion if you don't want one."  Seriously?  That reasoning implies there's a law in our country that says you must abort your child, and the "Pro-Choice" crowd has to protect the woman from having one.  Are they living in China?  What twisted thinking.

I prayed for these women, that God would turn their hearts to humility, honesty, and an acknowledgement of the truth.  I pray for the day in our nation and culture when abortion will once again be considered murder and the diabolical atrocity that it is.

God bless you, dear reader! 

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy

Renaissance Dad

My husband and his consistent godly ways -- a true renaissance man

A renaissance man is one who has wide interests and is expert in several areas.  As I thought about Father’s Day, I wondered how many dads are interested or expert in the lives of their children.  The Scripture from Ephesians 6: 4 (NKJ) came to mind: “And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”  What gain is it for a dad to satisfy his intellect, obtain the respect of the whole world, but lose his own children?  

He knows about science, history and math;

He knows about cooking, too.

In ways of the world he’s unsurpassed,

But the value of kids he eschews.

How can a dad avoid exasperating his children?  What makes a “well-rounded man?”

·         Tell your child he’s a blessing; offer encouragement and help with things that are hard for him.  Write little notes and put them on his pillow, in a lunch box, or send texts.  (Make sure they are encouraging!)

·         Speak kindly; don’t tell him he’s a big fat idiot, a loser, who will never amount to anything.  Never shame him in order to try to get him to change—especially in front of others, where you think you may have more leverage to bend him to your will.  Find something good to say to and about your child.

·         Nurture an emotional connection with your child.  Pay attention to him and be friendly.  Love your child; have compassion for him as he learns to grow into adulthood.  Don’t demand perfection of him; he will feel exasperated as he continually fails to meet your impossible standards.

·         Have fun with your kids; allow yourself to act silly and participate in their childhood games.  Go on walks with them, plan a picnic, go to the zoo, vacations, etc.  They will always remember those good times.

·         Be generous as much as possible; don’t be stingy.  If you tell your kid he’s a financial burden, he will feel anxious and sad.  Give him some spending money once in a while and let him have the joy of buying something himself.

·         Never physically (or verbally) abuse your child!  Such wounds go deep into the soul and follow them through life – usually producing a life of bitterness, estrangement, and more abuse from him to others.  Harsh and unjust punishment is the fertile seedbed of violent criminals in our society. 

The book of Proverbs is full of advice from a father to his child.  The apostle Paul was a spiritual father to Timothy, Titus and others.  Timothy 4:7-8 (NKJ) says, “But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness.  For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things…”

In my opinion, a godly father is a true renaissance man.  Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there!  Be the leader in your home; set the example.

Copyright © 2014 by Elaine Beachy

Powerful Or Powerless?

Knock-Out Roses by my front porch

What do I mean by “powerful?” I certainly don’t mean an ego trip or a "knock-out" punch.  I do not mean that one person should play the role of a tyrant or exercise control over another.  By “powerful” I mean that you are emotionally strong enough to have healthy boundaries and not let people control you.  A powerful person is calm, assertive, positive, self-controlled with inner strength and resolve fueled by the power of the Holy Spirit. By “powerless,” I mean someone who is just the opposite: uptight, negative, angry, and emotionally weak. 

Home relationships are so “daily.”  How husbands and wives relate to one another is of utmost importance.  Since powerful parents produce powerful children, it is imperative that we parents learn to be powerful.  It will change the way children are disciplined.  Yes, parents can change generational cycles of family dysfunction! 

Children learn very quickly whether you’re a powerful or powerless parent.  Mom says, “Sammy, come here; it’s time for your bath.”  But Mom is busy watching TV and hasn’t prepared the bath water. Five minutes pass, and she says, “If you don’t come here right now, you’re gonna get it!”  Sammy keeps playing with Superman.  Another minute passes, and the child doesn’t make one move to obey.  Again, Mom threatens, voice louder this time, “Sammy, I said come here right now!”  Sammy ignores her and walks Superman up a wall.  Frustrated (perhaps because she has to stop watching her TV show to give the bath) Mom clicks off the TV, strides angrily toward Sammy, and whacks him hard on his backside.  The now-screaming parent says, “When I say come, I mean COME!”  Sammy whirls around, shouts at his mom to shut up, then fights and slaps her.  Now in a vise-grip hold, Sammy is marched off to the bathroom, where a warm bath is anything but fun as he is pushed and shoved and roughly treated. 

Powerless parents carry the seeds of child abuse and domestic violence.  The home is the cradle of a nation.  If the cradle is battered and shattered, what does that do to our nation?  Jails bulge with violent offenders.  Thank God there are many wonderful, godly, powerful parents.  But even in Christian homes, there is way too much child abuse.  We need to learn how to be powerful (as I have defined it).

The following lists of powerless vs. powerful people are based on Danny Silk’s book, “Keep Your Love On” and were made into a double-sided laminated bookmark by Lori, for the Women’s Life Brunch at Living Faith Church:

Powerless People

• Are consumers – they don’t give back in relationships
• Blame the messes of their life on others
• Don’t believe they have the power to manage themselves
• Use language such as “I’ll try,” “I have to,” “I can’t.”  They cannot say “YES or “NO.”
• Create an anxiety-driven environment wherever they go
• Don’t have healthy boundaries in relationships
• React to situations without thought
• Are not able to deal with their emotions in a healthy and responsible way
• Are either the “Rescuer,” “Bad Guy,” or “Victim” in relationships 

Powerful People

• Recognize they are responsible for themselves…they do not try to control others
• Use language such as “I can,” and “I will.” They say “YES,” or “NO.”
• Are not swayed by popular opinion or pressure. They know exactly what they want and how to communicate it.
• Intentionally create the environment they want to live in
• Refuse to be the victim of others
• Are who they say they are on a consistent basis
• Respond instead of react to situations
• Set clear boundaries, not walls, in relationships
• Their choice to love will stand no matter what the other person does or says.

Being powerful is very freeing; but just know that when you start setting consistent boundaries, you may confuse, anger or embarrass some of your family and friends when you don’t respond in your usual way. 

Eric* and Connie* had a difference of opinion.  True to fashion, Eric shouted at Connie in an attempt to intimidate her into compliance.  Eric was shocked when she said, “I will not let you talk to me that way.  When you are ready to talk calmly, we’ll discuss it.  I love you and want to have this discussion, but not in an abusive, disrespectful way.”  Connie turned and left the room.  She could tell by the expression on his face that he was stunned by her behavior.  After an hour, she came back into the room and sat down next to him.  They were able to discuss the situation rationally, and Eric learned a new way of interacting because Connie had the courage to break with powerless behavior.  

Domestic violence can happen when a couple’s relationship is built on mutual control.  Danny writes, “The unspoken pact (of mutual control) between them is, ‘It’s your job to make me happy, and it’s my job to make you happy.’  And the best way to get you to work on my life is for me to act miserable.  The more miserable I am, the more you will have to try to make me feel better.” 

Danny continues, “Powerless people use various tactics, such as getting upset, withdrawing, nagging, ridiculing, pouting, crying, or getting angry to pressure, manipulate, and punish one another into keeping this pact.  But this ongoing power play does nothing to make them happy…A relational bond built on mutual control simply can’t produce safety, love, or trust.  It can only produce more fear, pain, distrust, punishment, and misery.”

When it comes to sex, the husband (or wife) may use such tactics to avoid actually asking for intimacy.  Each thinks the other should know what he/she expects.  Learning to speak your true feelings with love takes courage and a major mind shift for those who aren’t used to powerful thinking.  No one needs to be a victim.  When you give the other person the same courtesy you desire, good things happen.  You know – the Golden Rule and all that.  J

When Danny taught programs for men and women convicted of domestic violence, he learned of one man who was arrested because he hit his wife.  But the police didn’t consider that “before that incident, his wife had knocked him unconscious twice – once with a frying pan and once with a gun.  So when she came at him a third time, he went on the offensive and knocked her down.  The cops took him away because she had a black eye and he didn’t.  That’s the kind of relationship they’d shared for over two decades.  They called it love.  But it was really two powerless people who had agreed to engage in a lifelong battle for control.” 

Sad, isn’t it?

*Names are fictitious.

Copyright © 2014 by Elaine Beachy

Doormats

In my previous blog post on clutter, titled “Up To Here,” I wrote, “Relationships can become cluttered too.  Sometimes to preserve the boundaries of your personhood, it becomes necessary to set limits on the amount of access people have to your life.  Don’t become a doormat or a “yes-man.”  Don’t give of yourself out of obligation or compulsion.  It will clutter your life with unhealthy emotions.  In I Corinthians 9:7 it says everyone should give what he decides in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, because God loves a cheerful giver.”

A reader commented that he never thought of cheerful giving when it came to his relationships.  I’d like to address that in this post.  Who of us hasn’t struggled with doing something cheerfully for someone?  Should we repress our true feelings and talk ourselves into helping out “cheerfully” when we really don’t want to?

Do you feel like you have to do what others expect of you?  Can’t say “no” to a request?  Do you let people walk all over you?  Are you afraid to disagree or say “no” for fear it will sound “unchristian?”  Sometimes people expect us to always say “yes” or be silent because we’re Christians.  After all, aren’t we supposed to be kind and helpful and just love everybody?  Aren’t we supposed to put ourselves last and others first?

Maybe you have a “no” stuck on your tongue.  Perhaps you feel powerless—always at the mercy of someone else’s wishes or crisis.  I used to be a powerless person; “yes” rolled off my tongue quite freely because I wanted people to think well of me.  God forbid I should ever say “no” to a request or truly speak my mind.  Don’t make waves, Elaine; keep the peace, just get along.  Don’t make anyone angry.  Always accommodate others.  No one told me to do that; it was just how I coped with things in my life.

Now don’t get me wrong; I truly love people and like to help them.  But I need to love myself too.  Am I not as valuable as others?  Scripture says, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.  This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”  Mark 12:30-31 (NKJ)  If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you love and respect your neighbor?

People who take advantage of your generosity are consumers.  They become takers and expect your compliance.  Years ago I was asked to fill in as leader of a kids’ class on a Sunday night at church.  The person who asked me assured me I would only need to do it until they found someone else—a week or two at the most.  I gave up Sunday night plans with my family to accommodate his request.  Several months went by, and I finally approached him and complained that he’d not kept his word.  I felt angry.  He laughed a bit and said in a condescending tone, “Aw, did someone step on your widdle-bitty heart?”  I finally told him, “I quit: I won’t be there anymore.”  I was finished.  I felt disrespected and taken advantage of.  At the same time I felt guilty, because, after all, wasn’t this good church work for God?  Was I right to not want to do it anymore?   

Then there are people who commit to things before they know the details, and then feel stuck and resentful.  The following illustration in Danny Silk’s book “Keep Your Love On,” bears out that point.

“Hey Danny, you want to help me move?”

“Sure.  Yeah, I can do that.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Uh, my son has a baseball game in the morning.”

“No problem.  How about 6:00 AM?  You busy then?”

“It’s my day off, so I wasn’t planning on getting up that early.  But sure.”

“Can we borrow your truck? We don’t have one.”

“Yeah, uh, sure.”

“Great.  Can you fill it up with gas because I don’t have any money?”

“Okay.” 

It doesn’t take rocket science to know what’s wrong with this picture.  Did Danny’s story “get your dander up?”  It did mine.  Just because we’re “good Christians” doesn’t mean we have to be a doormat and let people walk all over us.  It’s not healthy.  Doormats are useful things.  At the entry of a home, they catch the mud, snow and rain (or doggie doo) as one wipes his feet on them before going indoors.  But we should not let people bring their troubles to our door and expect us to automatically bail them out.  Sometimes we need to lovingly stand that doormat upright and make it a boundary! 

Sure, we want to be cheerful givers to our family, friends, and others.  But if we end up feeling exploited and don’t confront “takers,” we can easily become offended and bitter.  The way you can be a cheerful giver and protect your relationships is to let people know where your boundaries are; then you can give because you want to, not under compulsion, like the Scripture says in I Corinthians 9:7.  If you don’t have healthy boundaries, you can’t give cheerfully, and others will not respect you because you don’t respect yourself.  Your priorities, not the needs of others, should control your choices.  

People can be workplace doormats, too. “People at the office are beginning to realize that I’m good at what I do and that I know what I’m doing.” Ralph* commented.  Some are starting to take advantage of me.  The other day Joe* came to me for help with a project, and it was something I would have had to spend twenty minutes of my valuable time to learn how to do.  So I feigned ignorance and told him to ask Jack for help, since he’s very knowledgeable in that field.  I really didn’t have time to do his work and mine too.  Was it wrong of me to feign ignorance when I could have learned how to do it?”

Spouses and family members need good boundaries.  Tom* and Sue* planned a much-needed three-day weekend get-away to Solomon’s Island for their twentieth wedding anniversary.  Sue packed their suitcases, eager to leave early Friday morning as planned.  Thursday evening after dinner, Tom’s friend, Ned, called and said his car broke down again, and asked Tom if he would fix it to save him some money.  Tom had helped Ned before, and was good with cars, so Tom felt obligated to help Ned.  Besides, he’d been trying to sow seeds of Jesus’ salvation into Ned’s life.  It was important to reach out to him. But Tom also knew how much this trip meant to Sue. 

Tom covered the mouthpiece of the phone, and asked Sue, “Hon, could we leave for the weekend sometime Friday afternoon instead of morning?  Ned needs me to fix his car…”  Tom didn’t finish the rest of his sentence as he saw Sue’s eyes convey stunned disbelief.  Her eyes filled with tears as she turned and quietly walked out of the room without answering him.

In the above scenarios, Ralph would probably have felt better about himself had he been straight-up with Joe and kindly told him he didn't have time to help him and get his own work done, too.  Tom should never even have considered asking his wife to change their plans.  He should have simply expressed his regrets and told Ned outright they were going out of town early the next morning, and let Ned figure out how to handle his own car problems (or maybe suggest a good mechanic.)  And Sue should have stood up for herself and told her husband she felt hurt and de-valued.  (I can see a blow-up coming in Sue if she continues to stuff her feelings: either she’ll blow up at Tom or she’ll have a nervous breakdown).

Why do we think it’s somehow unloving or uncaring to be honest and tell people we don’t have time for something, have other plans, or have no interest in doing what they asked?  Just because we have good boundaries doesn’t mean we are hard-hearted or don’t love people, either.  Jesus had good boundaries.  Mark 6:31 (NIV) says, “Then, because so many people were coming and going that they could not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.’”  

We can choose to be powerful and cheerful in our relationships rather than be upset and powerless people who are at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions and desires.  I’ll explain what I mean by “powerful” versus “powerless” in my next post.  For more on this subject, I recommend the book, “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk.

May God help you establish good boundaries, dear reader!

*Fictitious names

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy