Powerful Or Powerless?

Knock-Out Roses by my front porch

What do I mean by “powerful?” I certainly don’t mean an ego trip or a "knock-out" punch.  I do not mean that one person should play the role of a tyrant or exercise control over another.  By “powerful” I mean that you are emotionally strong enough to have healthy boundaries and not let people control you.  A powerful person is calm, assertive, positive, self-controlled with inner strength and resolve fueled by the power of the Holy Spirit. By “powerless,” I mean someone who is just the opposite: uptight, negative, angry, and emotionally weak. 

Home relationships are so “daily.”  How husbands and wives relate to one another is of utmost importance.  Since powerful parents produce powerful children, it is imperative that we parents learn to be powerful.  It will change the way children are disciplined.  Yes, parents can change generational cycles of family dysfunction! 

Children learn very quickly whether you’re a powerful or powerless parent.  Mom says, “Sammy, come here; it’s time for your bath.”  But Mom is busy watching TV and hasn’t prepared the bath water. Five minutes pass, and she says, “If you don’t come here right now, you’re gonna get it!”  Sammy keeps playing with Superman.  Another minute passes, and the child doesn’t make one move to obey.  Again, Mom threatens, voice louder this time, “Sammy, I said come here right now!”  Sammy ignores her and walks Superman up a wall.  Frustrated (perhaps because she has to stop watching her TV show to give the bath) Mom clicks off the TV, strides angrily toward Sammy, and whacks him hard on his backside.  The now-screaming parent says, “When I say come, I mean COME!”  Sammy whirls around, shouts at his mom to shut up, then fights and slaps her.  Now in a vise-grip hold, Sammy is marched off to the bathroom, where a warm bath is anything but fun as he is pushed and shoved and roughly treated. 

Powerless parents carry the seeds of child abuse and domestic violence.  The home is the cradle of a nation.  If the cradle is battered and shattered, what does that do to our nation?  Jails bulge with violent offenders.  Thank God there are many wonderful, godly, powerful parents.  But even in Christian homes, there is way too much child abuse.  We need to learn how to be powerful (as I have defined it).

The following lists of powerless vs. powerful people are based on Danny Silk’s book, “Keep Your Love On” and were made into a double-sided laminated bookmark by Lori, for the Women’s Life Brunch at Living Faith Church:

Powerless People

• Are consumers – they don’t give back in relationships
• Blame the messes of their life on others
• Don’t believe they have the power to manage themselves
• Use language such as “I’ll try,” “I have to,” “I can’t.”  They cannot say “YES or “NO.”
• Create an anxiety-driven environment wherever they go
• Don’t have healthy boundaries in relationships
• React to situations without thought
• Are not able to deal with their emotions in a healthy and responsible way
• Are either the “Rescuer,” “Bad Guy,” or “Victim” in relationships 

Powerful People

• Recognize they are responsible for themselves…they do not try to control others
• Use language such as “I can,” and “I will.” They say “YES,” or “NO.”
• Are not swayed by popular opinion or pressure. They know exactly what they want and how to communicate it.
• Intentionally create the environment they want to live in
• Refuse to be the victim of others
• Are who they say they are on a consistent basis
• Respond instead of react to situations
• Set clear boundaries, not walls, in relationships
• Their choice to love will stand no matter what the other person does or says.

Being powerful is very freeing; but just know that when you start setting consistent boundaries, you may confuse, anger or embarrass some of your family and friends when you don’t respond in your usual way. 

Eric* and Connie* had a difference of opinion.  True to fashion, Eric shouted at Connie in an attempt to intimidate her into compliance.  Eric was shocked when she said, “I will not let you talk to me that way.  When you are ready to talk calmly, we’ll discuss it.  I love you and want to have this discussion, but not in an abusive, disrespectful way.”  Connie turned and left the room.  She could tell by the expression on his face that he was stunned by her behavior.  After an hour, she came back into the room and sat down next to him.  They were able to discuss the situation rationally, and Eric learned a new way of interacting because Connie had the courage to break with powerless behavior.  

Domestic violence can happen when a couple’s relationship is built on mutual control.  Danny writes, “The unspoken pact (of mutual control) between them is, ‘It’s your job to make me happy, and it’s my job to make you happy.’  And the best way to get you to work on my life is for me to act miserable.  The more miserable I am, the more you will have to try to make me feel better.” 

Danny continues, “Powerless people use various tactics, such as getting upset, withdrawing, nagging, ridiculing, pouting, crying, or getting angry to pressure, manipulate, and punish one another into keeping this pact.  But this ongoing power play does nothing to make them happy…A relational bond built on mutual control simply can’t produce safety, love, or trust.  It can only produce more fear, pain, distrust, punishment, and misery.”

When it comes to sex, the husband (or wife) may use such tactics to avoid actually asking for intimacy.  Each thinks the other should know what he/she expects.  Learning to speak your true feelings with love takes courage and a major mind shift for those who aren’t used to powerful thinking.  No one needs to be a victim.  When you give the other person the same courtesy you desire, good things happen.  You know – the Golden Rule and all that.  J

When Danny taught programs for men and women convicted of domestic violence, he learned of one man who was arrested because he hit his wife.  But the police didn’t consider that “before that incident, his wife had knocked him unconscious twice – once with a frying pan and once with a gun.  So when she came at him a third time, he went on the offensive and knocked her down.  The cops took him away because she had a black eye and he didn’t.  That’s the kind of relationship they’d shared for over two decades.  They called it love.  But it was really two powerless people who had agreed to engage in a lifelong battle for control.” 

Sad, isn’t it?

*Names are fictitious.

Copyright © 2014 by Elaine Beachy