Mothers and Mental Sound Tracks

I share the following free verse poem I wrote in 1994 during a time of personal struggle as a mother of teenagers; may God use it to encourage you.

I hate the fact
That I feel the need
To be assured
About my child's spiritual health.

I play fears from the sound track
Of my mind,
Painting images there
That would like to drive me "bananas"
With wondering. Speculation. What if?
Would he really do that?
No, he couldn't possibly!
But then again, maybe he would?
Distrust. Uncertainty.
Needing reassurance.
How small of me.
Why do I struggle like this?

Am I the only mother
Who feels like this?
If I am caught off-guard,
I can be driven to misery for hours
With mental anguish
Until I wake up and realize--
It's happened to me again!

Then I repent, and speak God's Word
Over my child,
Speaking what I expect
God to do in his life.
Speaking my faith.
I put that image
On the screen of my mind,
And I am at peace.

Whatever things I desire
When I pray,
I believe I receive them
When I pray,
And I will have them
Sooner or later.
Keep the image up.
Give the Holy Ghost
Something good to work with.
Be not weary in well doing,
For in due season I shall reap
If I faint not.
Then I find peace.

Has any other mother
Ever felt like plastering the walls
Of "Home Sweet Home"
With scripture verses
To make sure her child
Will hear God shout at him?
Later, I am filled with shame
At such compulsion.

I must remember:
God brought me
Into a love relationship with Himself,
And He can do the same
With my child.
He cares about him
Even more than I do.
Now, that's something
I'm prone to forget.
I've been so used to being
Responsible for him.

How well I remember
Feeling responsible for everything
In years past!
Uptight, and feeling responsible
For myself. For others.
Not even trusting
My own husband sometimes.
Feeling driven to know everything
And fix everything.
Afraid to even trust God
With the life He gave me.
Afraid to let go the puny rope
Of my self-effort
That is about to snap.

If I fear what I can't see,
I can also have faith
For what I can't see.
And when I let go,
I fall upon the Word,
Finding sure and trustworthy promises
Abounding there--
A rich feast for my tormented soul.

I need to constantly
Accept my limitations
And entrust my anxieties to God,
Casting all my care upon Him,
For He cares for me.
Easier said than done.
But do it, I will.
By God's help, I will!

Copyright © 2017 Elaine Beachy