Doormats

In my previous blog post on clutter, titled “Up To Here,” I wrote, “Relationships can become cluttered too.  Sometimes to preserve the boundaries of your personhood, it becomes necessary to set limits on the amount of access people have to your life.  Don’t become a doormat or a “yes-man.”  Don’t give of yourself out of obligation or compulsion.  It will clutter your life with unhealthy emotions.  In I Corinthians 9:7 it says everyone should give what he decides in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, because God loves a cheerful giver.”

A reader commented that he never thought of cheerful giving when it came to his relationships.  I’d like to address that in this post.  Who of us hasn’t struggled with doing something cheerfully for someone?  Should we repress our true feelings and talk ourselves into helping out “cheerfully” when we really don’t want to?

Do you feel like you have to do what others expect of you?  Can’t say “no” to a request?  Do you let people walk all over you?  Are you afraid to disagree or say “no” for fear it will sound “unchristian?”  Sometimes people expect us to always say “yes” or be silent because we’re Christians.  After all, aren’t we supposed to be kind and helpful and just love everybody?  Aren’t we supposed to put ourselves last and others first?

Maybe you have a “no” stuck on your tongue.  Perhaps you feel powerless—always at the mercy of someone else’s wishes or crisis.  I used to be a powerless person; “yes” rolled off my tongue quite freely because I wanted people to think well of me.  God forbid I should ever say “no” to a request or truly speak my mind.  Don’t make waves, Elaine; keep the peace, just get along.  Don’t make anyone angry.  Always accommodate others.  No one told me to do that; it was just how I coped with things in my life.

Now don’t get me wrong; I truly love people and like to help them.  But I need to love myself too.  Am I not as valuable as others?  Scripture says, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.  This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”  Mark 12:30-31 (NKJ)  If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you love and respect your neighbor?

People who take advantage of your generosity are consumers.  They become takers and expect your compliance.  Years ago I was asked to fill in as leader of a kids’ class on a Sunday night at church.  The person who asked me assured me I would only need to do it until they found someone else—a week or two at the most.  I gave up Sunday night plans with my family to accommodate his request.  Several months went by, and I finally approached him and complained that he’d not kept his word.  I felt angry.  He laughed a bit and said in a condescending tone, “Aw, did someone step on your widdle-bitty heart?”  I finally told him, “I quit: I won’t be there anymore.”  I was finished.  I felt disrespected and taken advantage of.  At the same time I felt guilty, because, after all, wasn’t this good church work for God?  Was I right to not want to do it anymore?   

Then there are people who commit to things before they know the details, and then feel stuck and resentful.  The following illustration in Danny Silk’s book “Keep Your Love On,” bears out that point.

“Hey Danny, you want to help me move?”

“Sure.  Yeah, I can do that.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Uh, my son has a baseball game in the morning.”

“No problem.  How about 6:00 AM?  You busy then?”

“It’s my day off, so I wasn’t planning on getting up that early.  But sure.”

“Can we borrow your truck? We don’t have one.”

“Yeah, uh, sure.”

“Great.  Can you fill it up with gas because I don’t have any money?”

“Okay.” 

It doesn’t take rocket science to know what’s wrong with this picture.  Did Danny’s story “get your dander up?”  It did mine.  Just because we’re “good Christians” doesn’t mean we have to be a doormat and let people walk all over us.  It’s not healthy.  Doormats are useful things.  At the entry of a home, they catch the mud, snow and rain (or doggie doo) as one wipes his feet on them before going indoors.  But we should not let people bring their troubles to our door and expect us to automatically bail them out.  Sometimes we need to lovingly stand that doormat upright and make it a boundary! 

Sure, we want to be cheerful givers to our family, friends, and others.  But if we end up feeling exploited and don’t confront “takers,” we can easily become offended and bitter.  The way you can be a cheerful giver and protect your relationships is to let people know where your boundaries are; then you can give because you want to, not under compulsion, like the Scripture says in I Corinthians 9:7.  If you don’t have healthy boundaries, you can’t give cheerfully, and others will not respect you because you don’t respect yourself.  Your priorities, not the needs of others, should control your choices.  

People can be workplace doormats, too. “People at the office are beginning to realize that I’m good at what I do and that I know what I’m doing.” Ralph* commented.  Some are starting to take advantage of me.  The other day Joe* came to me for help with a project, and it was something I would have had to spend twenty minutes of my valuable time to learn how to do.  So I feigned ignorance and told him to ask Jack for help, since he’s very knowledgeable in that field.  I really didn’t have time to do his work and mine too.  Was it wrong of me to feign ignorance when I could have learned how to do it?”

Spouses and family members need good boundaries.  Tom* and Sue* planned a much-needed three-day weekend get-away to Solomon’s Island for their twentieth wedding anniversary.  Sue packed their suitcases, eager to leave early Friday morning as planned.  Thursday evening after dinner, Tom’s friend, Ned, called and said his car broke down again, and asked Tom if he would fix it to save him some money.  Tom had helped Ned before, and was good with cars, so Tom felt obligated to help Ned.  Besides, he’d been trying to sow seeds of Jesus’ salvation into Ned’s life.  It was important to reach out to him. But Tom also knew how much this trip meant to Sue. 

Tom covered the mouthpiece of the phone, and asked Sue, “Hon, could we leave for the weekend sometime Friday afternoon instead of morning?  Ned needs me to fix his car…”  Tom didn’t finish the rest of his sentence as he saw Sue’s eyes convey stunned disbelief.  Her eyes filled with tears as she turned and quietly walked out of the room without answering him.

In the above scenarios, Ralph would probably have felt better about himself had he been straight-up with Joe and kindly told him he didn't have time to help him and get his own work done, too.  Tom should never even have considered asking his wife to change their plans.  He should have simply expressed his regrets and told Ned outright they were going out of town early the next morning, and let Ned figure out how to handle his own car problems (or maybe suggest a good mechanic.)  And Sue should have stood up for herself and told her husband she felt hurt and de-valued.  (I can see a blow-up coming in Sue if she continues to stuff her feelings: either she’ll blow up at Tom or she’ll have a nervous breakdown).

Why do we think it’s somehow unloving or uncaring to be honest and tell people we don’t have time for something, have other plans, or have no interest in doing what they asked?  Just because we have good boundaries doesn’t mean we are hard-hearted or don’t love people, either.  Jesus had good boundaries.  Mark 6:31 (NIV) says, “Then, because so many people were coming and going that they could not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.’”  

We can choose to be powerful and cheerful in our relationships rather than be upset and powerless people who are at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions and desires.  I’ll explain what I mean by “powerful” versus “powerless” in my next post.  For more on this subject, I recommend the book, “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk.

May God help you establish good boundaries, dear reader!

*Fictitious names

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy