Marriage Building

Many couples make the mistake of viewing their wedding day as the most important part of their marriage, and have the attitude, “If it doesn’t work out, we can always get divorced.”  If you want a blessed marriage, don’t look to Hollywood and prenuptial agreements for a template!  How secure would you feel in a relationship if your fiancé insisted on a pre-nup?  Think about that.  It’s the seedbed for divorce.

The Christian couple needs to make sure they are on the same page spiritually and have the Lord as the center of their marriage.  Couples should discuss their expectations and goals for their marriage beforehand.  As Dave and I recently read our love letters from forty-eight years ago, I was struck by how we began each letter with either a scripture or a verse of good poetry, and how we continually talked about the Lord and His importance in our lives.  Trust in, and commitment to one another and to the Lord are absolutes in building a life-long, happy marriage.

You’ll notice I said, “building.”  The survival of your building (as in The Three Little Pigs) depends on your building material: straw, sticks or bricks.  Flimsy building materials include selfishness, blaming, unforgiveness, anger, attempts at controlling the other, jealousy, unresolved arguments, the silent treatment…you get the idea.  Those materials are made of straw and sticks—fire starters—and that big, bad wolf will burn your house to the ground.

When the atmosphere is thick and tight with frustration, resentment, and anger, and you wait for the other to apologize and break the standoff, holding the other responsible to be the first to own up to their wrong-doing, you get on a destructive, never-ending crazy cycle that spins out of control.  If you don’t break that crazy cycle, you will likely end up in divorce court.  Let me suggest that whoever fancies himself as the most spiritual makes the first move toward reconciliation.  Only persons who yield to the Spirit of God can break such a situation.  It’s actually a position of power!  (The big, bad wolf doesn’t want you to think so.)

  

Personal choices are the building materials of your marriage.  Build your house with bricks forged in the furnace of God’s love by choosing humble, meek, kind, and understanding attitudes.  Like the little pig that built his house out of bricks, your house will then withstand the storms of life and the onslaughts of the devil, the “big bad wolf” who comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  Don’t allow fire starters to collect in your home!

Together, build a house that can’t be blown down!  Dave and I have learned that the husband needs respect just as a wife needs love.  Ephesians 5:33 in the Amplified Bible commands, “However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self, and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him, and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”  See also I Peter 3:1-12.

Counselors and the church have made the mistake of focusing only on love in a marriage.  Let me explain.  Have you ever seen a Hallmark card for a husband that says, “I respect you?”  If you have, I’d like to see it.  I submit to you that in our love - dominated culture, those cards most likely all say, “I love you with all my heart...” or a similar variety of expression of love for the husband or boyfriend. 

Since some of you have asked me to share some marriage tips with you, here are things Dave and I do consistently:

•         Be kind to one another.

•         Link arms; be a team.

•          Look for the good in each other, and give personal compliments often (even if you don’t  feel like it). 

•          Speak well of one another in public, as well as in the privacy of your own home. 

•          Always be respectful of your spouse’s ideas, time, energy, opinions, and preferences.

•          Refuse to harbor a critical spirit. 

•          Guard the tone of your voice and watch your body language.  Hands on the hips, a pointing finger, and a sharp tongue tear down the walls of home sweet home. 

•          Be quick to apologize for your part in a hurtful argument or wrong-doing. 

•          Smile often, choose a cheerful attitude, speak a kind word or scripture of encouragement.

•          Try to please one another; learn what makes a person feel loved and respected, and do them!

•          Never say the “D” word: divorce!  Don’t even think it!

I want to add one important caveat:  my comments are not intended for those who are in a physically or emotionally-abusive marriage!  In such circumstances, separate yourself from that abuse and get help!  This post is intended to help fine-tune unhappy marriages that have gotten into a rut of neglect and disorder.  Be careful whom you marry; seek the mind of the Lord and don’t just take your own way in choosing a mate.  There is no earthly blessing so great as a God-centered, peaceful marriage filled with joy and security! 

Copyright © 2015 Elaine Beachy