It’s a phenomenon I’m trying to figure out: why people
rarely respond anymore to an invitation for a social event, including weddings. Do they ignore it because they think it
doesn’t matter if they participate or not?
Is it because of the way they were invited? Would formal note cards elicit a better
response than e-mail? Is there no
interest in the social event? Are lives
too busy and duties too pressing? Have
people lost the etiquette of politeness?
Years ago, I was involved in the circles of
party-going with Tupperware, Amway, Premiere Jewelry, and Pampered Chef, as both
a hostess and a guest at a number of these functions. (And for seven years I was a decorating
consultant with Home Interiors & Gifts, and recruited ladies to hold
parties for me in their home.)
As the hostess, I knew the tension and effort of
trying to get people to my party in order to have a good showing for the
demonstrator. Perhaps you can
relate. I’d send out postcards to a list
of about twenty-five friends, and I had to make follow-up phone calls a few
days before the party to encourage attendance.
I hated that part. My
advice? If you’re the hostess, don’t
hound those who don’t voluntarily respond to your invitation. A brief call to remind them of the event is
okay, but it’s demeaning to you and to them when you insist on knowing whether
or not they plan to come, and if not, why.
Honestly, I think people who don’t respond are
good-willed people, and there may be any number of reasons for their
silence. Here are a few of them:
- The dreaded words, “I have to check my calendar,” usually means “No,” but they are afraid to say so up front. Afraid of what? Offending you.
- When you call, and they say, “I saw that invitation here somewhere…” you know they may be disorganized, or probably too busy, and just forgot.
- When they say, “I don’t know…I’ll have to wait and see,” kind of signals they’re afraid to commit, in case something better comes along.
- Maybe they just don’t feel like socializing; there are times when one wants to be alone and quiet.
Even though unintentional, the absence of an RSVP shows
lack of graciousness and consideration.
It’s frustrating and confounding for the host. It indicates to the sender that the invitation
wasn’t welcome in the first place. The
polite thing to do is reply the same day you receive the invitation, and be
truthful, but gracious. If you want to
go, but don’t know whether or not you can attend, the respectful thing to do is
to ask the hostess if it would be an imposition on her if you wait to give a
definite answer until nearer the time of the event when you’ll know your
schedule. If you don’t want to go, you
can just tell her you won’t be there, and wish her well with her party. The hostess should accept “No” as a valid
answer and not pressure you for an explanation.
It shows respect for the individual.
As one who has both given and received many invitations
to multi-level marketing parties over the years, I also understand the side of the
recipient of an invitation quite well.
Sometimes I felt annoyed at the intrusion the invitation brought into my
life’s already busy schedule, and resented the fact that I had to choose
between not going and trying to please my friend who was hosting the
party. And sometimes I did think it
would be fun to attend, but didn’t want to spend money for something I really
didn’t need. Often, pleasing people won
out. Ugh. Have you been there, too? Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy a good party, and am
honored to be included in an invitation, but I need to be honest in my response
to the same.
I’ve done some research online about the RSVP, (which in French is Reondez s’il
vous plait, and literally means, “Reply if you please,” or “Please reply.”) I learned that in the years leading up to the
1950’s, nobody wrote RSVP on an
invitation, because it was considered very rude. People took it to mean that the hostess
didn’t trust the invited guest to respond promptly.
But in the 1960’s and 70’s, people started not
responding anymore to invitations. It
became a fading art. As I ponder why, somehow I think our culture has lost its
sense of gracious politeness. I also
think the moral revolution of “free love” with the Hippie Movement, the Roe vs.
Wade decision on abortion, and the loosening of family ties and increasing
disrespect for authority somehow affected our sense of social responsibility. Without a strong moral compass, people tend to just do as they please. Like others don’t matter quite so much
anymore. Devalued. Just like the babies we killed and threw
away. Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that before.
It also occurs to me that perhaps life then had a lot
less social activity, and an invitation to a party or social event was cause
for celebration! There was no Facebook,
Twitter, Instagram, Google, LinkedIn, My Space, and Pintrest, to keep people constantly
in touch with an overload of information and interaction. People can get burned out socially. I have a granddaughter who sometimes says, “I’ve
reached my limit now for social involvement; I need some ‘me’ time.” Smart girl.
So, for me, the bottom line regarding the RSVP is to
mind my manners: value people, weigh my options carefully, be prompt and honest
in responding, and keep the promises and commitments I do make. (Keeping promises is another subject.)
Copyright
© 2015 Elaine Beachy
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