Several years ago my mom and I visited a facility that
housed elderly residents. I remember the
smells, the lonely looks in the eyes of those with nothing to do, sitting in
wheel chairs parked along the side of hallways.
A few reached out a feeble hand as if to ask for help or to feel someone's touch. Most of them looked
at us with dull eyes that spoke of resignation and hopelessness—and utter
loneliness.
There are also lots of people walking the streets, in the
workplace, sitting in our churches, shopping in grocery stores, or sitting
around a family table who feel the painful devastation of loneliness. Sometimes those who seem to be the “life of
the party” in a crowd or who are the “social butterfly,” are the loneliest of
all when they slip between the sheets at night. Alone, and forgotten.
Lucy struggles with loneliness. She and her husband live in a gorgeous home,
and as the CEO of his own company he makes a great income. Work keeps him
occupied seven days a week while Lucy tries to fill her lonely days with
shopping, watching TV, or sometimes going out with friends or to a Bible
study. When she comes home from church,
she eats alone either at home or in a restaurant because Brandon is engrossed in his work or busy
watching television.
Paula’s husband comes home from work, eats dinner then flops
in his easy chair where he falls asleep watching TV. She and Rob don’t really have any friends, and they never go out. So
she tries to find solace in reading myriads of books and taking online courses to pass the lonely evening hours. Her heart feels withered and dry from the
barren, heart-wrenching loneliness she feels. Day after day, week after week, month after
month, and year after year passes with no change.
Dan says ever since the baby came, Nancy has no time for him. She’s always giving attention to the baby,
and expects him to do his share of feeding, diapering and laundry as well, which
he is glad to do. But Nancy seems to only be tuned to the baby’s
needs and forgets about his need for companionship and romance. Dan feels lonely.
Children can be lonely too.
How many kids feel rejected and unloved, unnoticed by their parents? Could it be that the bullies in our schools are
products of homes where they are unnoticed, unappreciated, and taken for
granted? If they feel isolated and not
socially connected in school, kids tend to drop out of school. Too often they begin a life of delinquency
and other antisocial behavior. Could it
be that these are the children who grow up to become a burden to society and
our already burgeoning prisons?
As I watched the heart-breaking news of the shootings at the
Navy Yard in D.C. this week, I had to wonder what kind of home life Aaron
Alexis had as a child. Did he have a
father who engaged him in healthy dialogue, affirmed him as a person and showed
him unconditional love? What kind of
mother did he have? Did he feel valued
by his parents? Was he taught that God loved him and had a good plan for his
life because of Jesus?
Mother Teresa is quoted as saying, “Loneliness and the
feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” She spent her life rescuing unwanted children
from the streets of Calcutta .
I remember reading about a horrible social experiment years
ago (I think it was in Russia) where some orphaned babies were put in a group
and only fed and changed; there was to be no social interaction, no eye contact
or physical touch beyond absolute necessity whatsoever from the caregiver. The babies were in excellent health, but over
half had died before six months lapsed.
When the baby’s attempts to gain eye contact and response from the
caregiver by its verbal gurgles and coos failed, all movement ceased. When the baby was unable to gain any empathy,
he gave up and died. My heart feels sick
when I recall this terrible tragedy.
I’ve read somewhere that even babies in the womb who are
unwanted during pregnancy are affected by the thoughts of the mother, and may
experience depression, loneliness, or other maladjustment's later on in life. There are plenty of websites with information
that confirm what I read. Positive
thoughts (and words) may be the most important health tip for any expectant
mother.
Indeed, the feeling of being unwanted has to be the most
terrible emotional and mental poverty that leaves the wounded looking for love
in all the wrong places. Family
relationships that are broken and dysfunctional leave children feeling
abandoned and empty because they feel “invisible” and unloved.
Sometimes children go through periods of loneliness when
they feel they have no one to play with and feel excluded from others,
especially if the family moves to a new area and school district. Or they may feel lonely when they lose a pet
or special possession, and most definitely when they lose a friend, parent or
grandparent.
It’s imperative that we parents keep open hearts, eyes, and
ears to the facial expressions, words and behavior of our children. Don’t let the pressures of life make you see
your children as a bother rather than a blessing. Your child will surely pick up on your
attitude, and he will feel distanced from you.
How can he feel free to talk to you if he feels he’s just in your way
and you have no time for him? You may provide the best clothes, food, and
shelter money can buy, but if your child doesn’t feel valued or cherished, it
means little to him. What he wants and
needs are understanding and acceptance, a loving touch and words spoken with
kindness and reassurance that help him flourish.
We all have a fundamental need for friends, close
relationships and inclusion in a group.
Without that need filled, people can fall apart mentally and physically. I love the Father’s heart shown in Psalm
68:5-6: “A father to the fatherless, defender of widows is God in His holy
dwelling. God sets the lonely in
families; He leads forth the prisoners with singing…”
People are the most valuable and important thing on this
earth. If you sense someone is withdrawn
or lonely, have the love and courage to ask them if they’re okay. Look to the interests of others and bear
their burdens. Scriptures I think of are
Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill
the law of Christ,” and Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to
your own interests but also to the interests of others.” Someone needs to care! You never know what a phone call, a kind
smile, a cheerful conversation, or a light touch on an arm or shoulder can do
for someone.
God doesn’t want anyone to feel lonely, desolate, or aching inside. Jesus died and rose from
death as us, taking our place. “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was
bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement needful to obtain peace
and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes that wounded Him we
are healed and made whole.” (Isaiah 53:5, Amplified Bible)
Jesus is our best Friend Who sticks closer than a brother. And we need to be “Jesus with skin on” to
others, too.
God bless you with good friends, dear Reader!
Copyright © 2013
Elaine Beachy
