Loneliness

Several years ago my mom and I visited a facility that housed elderly residents.  I remember the smells, the lonely looks in the eyes of those with nothing to do, sitting in wheel chairs parked along the side of hallways.  A few reached out a feeble hand as if to ask for help or to feel someone's touch.  Most of them looked at us with dull eyes that spoke of resignation and hopelessness—and utter loneliness. 

There are also lots of people walking the streets, in the workplace, sitting in our churches, shopping in grocery stores, or sitting around a family table who feel the painful devastation of loneliness.  Sometimes those who seem to be the “life of the party” in a crowd or who are the “social butterfly,” are the loneliest of all when they slip between the sheets at night.  Alone, and forgotten.

Lucy struggles with loneliness.  She and her husband live in a gorgeous home, and as the CEO of his own company he makes a great income. Work keeps him occupied seven days a week while Lucy tries to fill her lonely days with shopping, watching TV, or sometimes going out with friends or to a Bible study.  When she comes home from church, she eats alone either at home or in a restaurant because Brandon is engrossed in his work or busy watching television. 

Paula’s husband comes home from work, eats dinner then flops in his easy chair where he falls asleep watching TV.  She and Rob don’t really have any friends, and they never go out.  So she tries to find solace in reading myriads of books and taking online courses to pass the lonely evening hours.  Her heart feels withered and dry from the barren, heart-wrenching loneliness she feels.  Day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year passes with no change. 

Gary feels lonely when his wife, Susan, expects him to get his own dinner, then chooses to spend evenings at the computer or go out bowling with her friends instead of taking some time to sit with him while he watches a football game or TV show he likes.  He feels lonely when she criticizes and disrespects him, especially in front of others.

Dan says ever since the baby came, Nancy has no time for him.  She’s always giving attention to the baby, and expects him to do his share of feeding, diapering and laundry as well, which he is glad to do.  But Nancy seems to only be tuned to the baby’s needs and forgets about his need for companionship and romance.  Dan feels lonely.

Children can be lonely too.  How many kids feel rejected and unloved, unnoticed by their parents?  Could it be that the bullies in our schools are products of homes where they are unnoticed, unappreciated, and taken for granted?  If they feel isolated and not socially connected in school, kids tend to drop out of school.  Too often they begin a life of delinquency and other antisocial behavior.  Could it be that these are the children who grow up to become a burden to society and our already burgeoning prisons? 

As I watched the heart-breaking news of the shootings at the Navy Yard in D.C. this week, I had to wonder what kind of home life Aaron Alexis had as a child.  Did he have a father who engaged him in healthy dialogue, affirmed him as a person and showed him unconditional love?  What kind of mother did he have?  Did he feel valued by his parents? Was he taught that God loved him and had a good plan for his life because of Jesus?

Mother Teresa is quoted as saying, “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”  She spent her life rescuing unwanted children from the streets of Calcutta.

I remember reading about a horrible social experiment years ago (I think it was in Russia) where some orphaned babies were put in a group and only fed and changed; there was to be no social interaction, no eye contact or physical touch beyond absolute necessity whatsoever from the caregiver.  The babies were in excellent health, but over half had died before six months lapsed.  When the baby’s attempts to gain eye contact and response from the caregiver by its verbal gurgles and coos failed, all movement ceased.  When the baby was unable to gain any empathy, he gave up and died.  My heart feels sick when I recall this terrible tragedy. 

I’ve read somewhere that even babies in the womb who are unwanted during pregnancy are affected by the thoughts of the mother, and may experience depression, loneliness, or other maladjustment's later on in life.  There are plenty of websites with information that confirm what I read.  Positive thoughts (and words) may be the most important health tip for any expectant mother.

Indeed, the feeling of being unwanted has to be the most terrible emotional and mental poverty that leaves the wounded looking for love in all the wrong places.  Family relationships that are broken and dysfunctional leave children feeling abandoned and empty because they feel “invisible” and unloved.        

Sometimes children go through periods of loneliness when they feel they have no one to play with and feel excluded from others, especially if the family moves to a new area and school district.  Or they may feel lonely when they lose a pet or special possession, and most definitely when they lose a friend, parent or grandparent. 

It’s imperative that we parents keep open hearts, eyes, and ears to the facial expressions, words and behavior of our children.  Don’t let the pressures of life make you see your children as a bother rather than a blessing.  Your child will surely pick up on your attitude, and he will feel distanced from you.  How can he feel free to talk to you if he feels he’s just in your way and you have no time for him? You may provide the best clothes, food, and shelter money can buy, but if your child doesn’t feel valued or cherished, it means little to him.  What he wants and needs are understanding and acceptance, a loving touch and words spoken with kindness and reassurance that help him flourish.  

We all have a fundamental need for friends, close relationships and inclusion in a group.  Without that need filled, people can fall apart mentally and physically.  I love the Father’s heart shown in Psalm 68:5-6: “A father to the fatherless, defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families; He leads forth the prisoners with singing…”

People are the most valuable and important thing on this earth.  If you sense someone is withdrawn or lonely, have the love and courage to ask them if they’re okay.  Look to the interests of others and bear their burdens.  Scriptures I think of are Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ,” and Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Someone needs to care!  You never know what a phone call, a kind smile, a cheerful conversation, or a light touch on an arm or shoulder can do for someone.

God doesn’t want anyone to feel lonely, desolate, or aching inside.  Jesus died and rose from death as us, taking our place. “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement needful to obtain peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes that wounded Him we are healed and made whole.” (Isaiah 53:5, Amplified Bible)

Jesus is our best Friend Who sticks closer than a brother.  And we need to be “Jesus with skin on” to others, too.

God bless you with good friends, dear Reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy