Contentment and the Stuff Mart

Even as a senior citizen, I still love Veggie Tales! When I babysat our granddaughter years ago, she and I loved to watch Madame Blueberry and the Stuff Mart.  Although Madame had lots of good friends and a nice tree house, she was still unhappy because she thought she needed more “stuff.”

Like Madame Blueberry, many people look at what others have: a bigger house, a nicer car, better vacations, stylish clothes, new furniture, and the list goes on and on.  We want them because we feel discontented, or bored.  We want them because we feel jealous, envious, or inferior to others who have “more.”  Learn why Madame Blueberry was so “blue.”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2un3RWta_4

I Timothy 6:6 reads: “But godliness with contentment is great gain; for we brought nothing into this world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.”

And Hebrews 13:5 says, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.  So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?’”

Is it possible the reason we covet and are discontent is because we’re afraid someone else will “get ahead” of us, receive more praise, more approval from others?  I believe the Lord is saying, “Your value is not in what you have, but in who I say you are.” 

You may ask, “So you’re saying I shouldn’t care what house I live in, what kind of clothes I have, or whether or not I have enough money?”  No, that’s not what I’m saying.  God created us to want to be creative, invent things, and be a good care-taker of what He’s given us.  I like what I read somewhere: we shouldn't be discontent to the point of being agitated or disquieted.  

Sometimes I get the urge to buy new accessories for the house because after six or seven years, I get tired of the “same old, same old.”  You ever been there?  That’s when I have to ask myself, “Why do I want to buy something new?”  For me, I think that it's my creative side calls to me.  For example, I imagine what our master bedroom would look like with different curtains and bedspread.  But then I remember the scripture about being content with what I have, and I think of the many who wish they had a home—or anything, for that matter. I start thanking God for what I already have, and the urge to buy something new dissipates. 

  

Instead, I look at my house and try to think how I could rearrange the furniture, or relocate wall art, candles, silk flowers and greenery.  Decorating for the seasons helps satisfy my creative side, too.  I closed my Home Interiors & Gifts business in June of 2009, and I still had a lot of things left from my stock.  I had an open house sale that year, gave a lot away, and kept just what fit into a closet.  I do love color, design and creativity, and I don’t think Jesus is against that.  In fact, He created us to want to improve our environment, be creative and inventive.  He just doesn’t want our lives to be disquieted with wanting more and more “stuff” for the sake of accumulation.  

If we so choose, the simple things in life bring us joy and contentment.  Charles Dickens said, “Cheerfulness and contentment are great beautifiers and are famous preservers of youthful looks.”  Madame Blueberry certainly wasn’t nice to be around when she was sucked into Complaining Swamp. In the end, she learned to be thankful for what she had.

Contentment comes from learning to be thankful—not comparing ourselves to others or entertaining the green-eyed monster.  Comparisons create feelings of stress, envy, jealousy, and resentment.  So what if someone is smarter, cuter, has something nicer or bigger, or is approved by high society?  Our worth does not depend on earthly, temporal things.  As followers of Jesus Christ, our perspective must be on eternal values learned from God’s Word.  I Timothy 6:17-18 tells us, “Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.  Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.”

The Russian author, Leo Tolstoy, tells the story of a man who was told he could have all the land he could walk around in one day, but he had to be back at the starting point by sundown.  The man walked for a long time, and thought he’d better head back, but he kept saying, “Just a little bit farther,” and kept walking to widen his territory.  Finally, he knew he had to head back, and he ran.  In the distance he saw his starting place, and in a burst of speed and determination, he crossed the finish line just as the sun slipped behind the hill.  He fell to the ground, gasping for breath, as blood gushed from his mouth and nose, and he died.  In the end, the only land he needed was six feet. 

God bless you, dear reader! 

All scriptures are from the NIV Bible. 

                                    Copyright ©2014 Elaine Beachy

How to Pray for Your Children

What’s a parent to do?  Besides Television Thoroughfare and Computer Court being dangerous places for children to play, drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous behavior threaten their health and safety if they associate with the wrong peers.  Schools with liberal philosophies on sex education, evolution, and moral relativism threaten to erode godly values. 

Some parents make financial sacrifices and enroll their children in expensive private or Christian schools in an attempt to protect them from wrong influences.  But, human nature being what it is without Jesus, there is no guarantee that, even in Christian schools, safety from every threat will be found.    

You install television and computer filters to help protect your children from destruction.  You are careful to watch over your child’s friendships.  If you’re a Christian parent, I know you care deeply that your child receives salvation by faith in Jesus Christ.  You’ve cultivated a godly atmosphere of love in your home, and taught the Word of God to them.  But still you struggle with worry and fears because of unprecedented challenges your children face in today’s society, as sin and lawlessness increase.  

As children spread their wings and fly from the nest, so to speak, many parents worry whether they have done enough to disciple their children in the ways of the Lord to prepare them for life.  What if they walk away from Jesus?  What if they marry the wrong person?  What if they choose the wrong career?  What if they adopt New Age teaching, get sucked into the occult or witchcraft?

A mother’s pillow is wet with tears before she falls asleep at night, only to awaken in the early morning hours with the pain of a wayward son or daughter still in her heart.  She blames herself for failing as a parent and prays in distress, fearful that her child will turn against God and be eternally lost.  Fear haunts her.  Fathers also experience this pain. "What if… what if… what if… " STOP!  Such thoughts and speech are destructive – and negatively productive! 

                              

I have hope and good news for you: declare the Word of God over your children!  “The Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword…”  (Hebrews 4:12, NKJ)   Stop praying in fear.  Declare the Word of the Lord with the power and authority Jesus gave you!  You will find hope and faith arise in your heart when you do.  It gives God a framework of faith in which to work on their behalf.  Claim God’s promises about your children and stand on them in persistent faith, no matter how circumstances look.  The Word says in Psalm 127:3 that “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.”   Speak life!  Choose words based on what God says about your children and declare them prayerfully, with faith in God: Don’t say things like:

·         My kids are a pain in the neck.

·         Suzie will never change.

·         Satan has my kids.

·         Johnny is no good.

·         I wish I didn’t have any kids.

Do you want those words to bear fruit?  I don’t think so.  You should be aware that parents who repeatedly say or think such things give the devil legal license and inroads into their children’s lives.  Don’t do that!  Proverbs 18:20 (NKJ) says that the power of life and death are in the power of the tongue.

·         My children are a blessing.

·         God is doing a good work in Suzie’s life.

·         My children are taught of the Lord.

·         God will fulfill His plan in Johnny’s life.

·         I’m blessed to be entrusted with raising children for the Lord.

One of my favorite scriptures to pray over my children is Isaiah 54:13:  “All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace.”  Another one is, “I will pour out My Spirit on all people.  Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions…”  (Acts 2:17)  And, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  (Proverbs 22:6) 

I put my children’s names in the Scripture verses and say them back to God.  “For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”  Isaiah 55:10-11 (NKJ)  God gave us His Word, His promises, to speak in the earth, that He may establish them.  It's the Genesis law of sowing and reaping.  Your words are spiritual seeds; choose them carefully.  The crop you raise will be your own.

Remember that Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  The Lord has given us very great and precious promises that are realized when we speak our faith in His word, and with persistent patience, wait on the Lord to bring about the fulfillment.  Like a farmer who plants his crops in the earth, and waits for the harvest, so we sow into the spiritual realm with the words of our mouth.  What kind of harvest do you want?  It’s important to say what God says about you, your family, and your circumstances.

For more on speaking God’s Word over your children, I recommend Mike Shreve’s book, “65 Promises From God for Your Child – Powerful Prayers for Supernatural Results.”

Be encouraged, dear reader, and God bless you!

All Scriptures are from the NIV translation unless otherwise noted.

Copyright ©2014 Elaine Beachy

Vacations Are for... Relaxing?

Everyone needs to get away now and again for a change of scenery, and experience new things.  A lot of the fun, for me at least, is in the planning and anticipation of a family vacation.  For many years, when our grandchildren were in elementary school, we went to Nags Head every September for a whole week when rental rates for beach front houses were less than half price.  But now with teens that can’t take a week’s leave from high school, we’ve had to come up with other options.

This year some of our family managed a vacation to Arizona.  Our son Doug found a beautiful house for us to rent in Sedona; our daughter Deb is a great planner, and together with Doug’s help, put together an itinerary which included places to eat, day trips to the Grand Canyon, Jerome, Sunset Crater, and other sites and activities of interest.

I spent the entire week of July 7-11 shopping for summer-weight pants and shirts for Dave, doing all our laundry, ironing and packing suitcases.  We were up early Saturday morning, July 12, and our plane left Dulles International Airport around noon.

Flying is not my favorite thing, although I’ve done it a few times.  I’m not afraid, mind you; it’s just the tension of making sure you pack everything you need, hurrying with luggage from place to place, hurrying to get baggage checked, hurrying to get to the terminal, etc, that kind of takes some of the fun out of flying.  Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, right?  You know – getting away from the rat race, renewing body and soul…

Then there is the plane ride itself.  Sitting on the tarmac for an hour and a half is not exactly my idea of soaring to new heights.  My chiropractor gave me instructions to get up and stretch my back every hour of the flight. (That didn’t happen.)  Breathing re-circulated air isn’t my cup of tea either.  Then there is the disconcerting fact that I don’t want to drink much water or anything, (although I should) while traveling, either by car or plane, to avoid frequent bathroom breaks.  Stuck in my seat, I took small sips from my water bottle.  When the stewardess served snacks, I sipped my small cup of apple juice and nibbled the airline’s little bag of tasty oven baked Veggie Wheat Thins, and watched the “occupied” light overhead go on and off as passengers went to and from the bathroom.  I debated: do I go now or wait?  I didn’t want to risk getting a bladder infection, so I finally decided to make my move.

We sat front of center on the plane, but the front privy was occupied, so I opted for the one at the rear of the plane.  Dave had a window seat, Doug had the isle seat, and I sat in the middle.  Doug stood up to let me out, and I staggered my way back the isle past passengers whose heads and arms hung out in the isle as they slept on pillows.  I had to apologize frequently for disturbing them before I finally reached my destination. 

Just as I reached for the door handle of the privy, the plane hit an air pocket that rocked us pretty hard.  The seat belt signs came on, and the pilot warned passengers to stay buckled in their seats.  Perfect.  There I stood, a disobedient passenger with a pressing problem.  I opened the door to peer at the tiny receptacle, and was thankful I didn’t weigh a pound more than I already did.  I made my way inside, shut the door, and slid the lock into place.  (Or so I thought.)  I had barely sat down to enjoy my relief when the door flew open.  A male flight attendant was just outside the door, and I quickly lunged forward, grabbed the handle and pulled the door shut and slid the lock closed again as the plane rocked back and forth.  I was afraid to let go of the handle, lest the door fly open in spite of the bolt being in the “locked” position; so I held it shut with one hand.  With the other, I searched for the toilet paper.  When I found it, I used my elbow to stop the roll from spinning out of control as I severed a desired length of jagged paper and managed operations with one hand.  I prayed that the door would stay shut when I stood up to re-clothe myself.  I don’t think I ever pulled up a pair of pants so fast in all my life.  The tiny toilet had a dramatic flush; it almost sucked my breath down with it.  After I washed my hands at the teeny sink, I steadied myself against the turbulent plane’s motion for about twenty seconds before venturing to open the door.  The male flight attendant didn’t speak or look at me as I made my exit and lurched back to my seat.  Thank God I wasn’t in the front bathroom when the door flew open!

Did I mention vacations are supposed to be relaxing?

On Thursday morning of our vacation week, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. with wheezing on my chest.  Dave went to the Safeway after breakfast and bought Vicks Vapo-Rub, cough drops, and DM cough syrup for me.  I praise God that I felt fairly decent the rest of the time there and until we arrived home at 1:30 a.m. Sunday morning from the plane flight home.  Once home, my chest got so bad I called the doctor Monday morning, July 21, and was able to get an appointment late that day.  Diagnosed with bronchitis, I was given an inhalant treatment in his office, and three prescriptions.  My doctor said I likely contracted the virus on the plane out to Arizona.  That bronchitis (and sinusitis) kicked me hard for four weeks.  Soon after we were home, I also discovered that two tubes of prescription creams I was very careful to pack when we left Arizona were missing. I asked my doc to issue a new prescription for one of them.  The cost? A mere $118.00.  Dave said he thinks the TSA confiscated it.  Some plane ride, huh? 

We did have a good time in our rental house, and our view from the patio was stunning!

We had fun eating out together.  Rattlesnake, anyone?  They can have it...

Alissa and Nicole enjoyed several free end-of meal rounds of cotton candy (so did some of the adults!)

The young set went hiking early every morning, and sometimes Alissa and Nicole joined them. 

The Grand Canyon was quite an experience!

Montezuma's Castle was not a castle as we picture one.  But people lived in these high, dark places.

We took a group photo on our back patio by the pool and hot tub the last evening of our week before we had to fly home the next day.  At this spot, swimming and "cannon-balling" was great fun for the family at night, and some enjoyed the in-ground hot tub as well. The pool was lit, and stars twinkled overhead as warm breezes gently brushed our faces. Keith Yoder, our son-in-law, set his high-quality camera on a small tripod on the stone wall, set the timer, and dashed back in place to be included in the vacationer’s photo.

Credit goes to Keith Yoder for all the photos on this blog post.  Thank you, Keith!

I hope you had a great vacation this summer.  God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy

Mother and Child

A news story on Manassas Patch caught my attention the other day.  A Fairfax, VA woman, Adrianna Teran, who reportedly gave birth to her child at home, has been indicted on charges of first-degree murder and child abuse in the killing of her baby last year, according to the Washington Post.  She walked into Inova Fairfax Hospital with the baby’s body in May 2013.  Police said a medical examiner ruled the death as a homicide and the cause of death was a blunt force trauma to the head. 

My husband Dave and I discussed our culture’s chilling disconnect between the sentence of first-degree murder for this mother, and the “legal” killing of a baby any time before it draws its first breath.  I felt I had to speak up, so I posted a comment on Manassas Patch. Needless to say, it drew some fire! 

I wrote, “Okay, so yes, what this woman did in killing her day-old baby is horrible, atrocious, and deserving of the sentence of murder.  But explain this: why is a woman not prosecuted for killing her baby in the womb?  Why isn’t she prosecuted as a murderer when “doctors” suck the brains out of her baby as it’s coming down the birth canal?  Why are abortion clinics allowed to exist?  Why is a mother encouraged to kill her baby in the womb if it’s inconvenient to give birth to it?  Hmm?  What an evil, double standard!  Abortion is murder, PERIOD!  Wake up, people!

Catherine R. from Fairfax wrote a rebuttal: “It’s not the same thing, Elaine.  Pro-Choice means you don’t ever have to have an abortion if you don’t ever want one.  But you are not entitled to force your beliefs on anyone else.”

Really?  I responded:

“It IS the same thing, Catherine.  Ending the life of your baby in or out of the womb is murder. I am not forcing my beliefs on anyone; you speak your mind, I speak mine.  The sad thing is, the baby has no “choice.”  It’s the mother who “chooses” to murder her baby. I know people don’t want to hear that, don’t like to hear that, but it’s the truth.  Pro-Choice, as you call it (I call it Pro-Abortion) gives the mother the legal right to murder her baby.  Sad day in America for sure!  Just because something is “legal” in our country does NOT mean it’s morally right.  And therein lies the problem.”

One person posting as “Vienna” agreed with me that abortion is murder.

Later, as I worked in the kitchen, I felt led to add this comment to Manassas Patch:  “I do want to add that for those women who’ve had abortions, my heart goes out to them, because I’ve personally heard friends say how their pain of abortion negatively impacted them for many years. They found forgiveness and healing of their soul when they asked Jesus to forgive them, because they were truly sorry.  Jesus will heal and restore all who come to Him.  There is a wonderful ministry called Sozo here in Manassas for anyone who desires inner healing from trauma of any kind.”  (Living Faith Church in Manassas provides the Sozo ministry).

The following quote is from Deborah K. (whose comment was deleted after posting, but still came into my e-mail).  “I think where Elaine and so many others are missing it is that Elaine calls Pro-Choice Pro-Abortion which it is not.  Pro-Choice is the right for the woman with the counsel of her family and doctor – if she so chooses their counsel – to choose what is best for her. There are times when a woman’s health can be severely threatened due to the health condition of the mother where the added strain of carrying a baby could harm the mother’s health.  Pro-Choice doesn’t mean Pro-Abortion.  Pro-Choice is the inherent right to make a decision for yourself and your unborn baby without interference from anyone else. And like Catherine said, Pro-Choice means you don’t ever have to have an abortion if you don’t want one.  There are too many people trying to force their beliefs (religious or otherwise) on others – and it needs to stop.  They wanted me to have the amniocentesis test when a blood test came back abnormal.  But with the amniocentesis comes the risk that you could potentially lose or harm the baby (a risk of the procedure.)  They (my HMO referral doc) told me, “But the baby might have Downs or club foot, etc.”  I then said that would be fine with me.  They said but you should have the test – and I said why would I put an additional risk onto the life of the baby if I’m fine with the outcomes you are suggesting.  I didn’t have the test, and the baby was 100% fine.  Beware of these referral places as they make money off every test they can convince a woman to have – they want to be able to bill back to the HMO.  Bottom line – I made my own decision without being forced to do something I didn’t want to do – an inherent right = FREEDOM.” 

Sandra B. entered the discussion: “Reasonable people can disagree when life begins.  Some believe it is at conception, some at time of viability outside the womb.  Unreasonable people try to push their beliefs on to others.  For those who decry abortion, I’m sure you also support sustaining life past birth, right?  -- including helping mothers and children who need food stamps, WIC, and health insurance, including expanding Medicaid, right?”

I replied, “Sandra, you said “Unreasonable people try to push their beliefs on to others.”  Aren’t you trying to push your beliefs onto others?  A battle of ideas and beliefs that goes back to the Garden of Eden has always existed.  Disharmony and arguments have always existed. Only God has all the Truth.  That’s why God, our Creator, gave us His truth by written Word so we would know the right choices to make for success and peace in life.

“God (not I) declares when life begins, in Psalm 139:13-16 (New Living Translation).  It says, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day passed.”  God says life begins at the moment of conception.  So I choose to believe what God says.  God has a good plan laid out for each person conceived, but when people choose to abort that God-given life, it hurts His kind and loving heart.  I wonder how many doctors, scientists, inventors of good things, etc, that would have blessed our nation and the world, were aborted?  I grieve with God for every lost life. 

“To answer your last question/statement, Sandra, YES I support sustaining life past birth.  I believe in helping the helpless.  Absolutely.  What I don’t believe in is a bloated bureaucratic system that rips off the tax payer and feeds itself by encouraging unnecessary dependence and disincentive in people – a system that deadens dreams and potential in generations of people.  God has answers for that, too, if our lawmakers would take them into account.”

Sandra B. replied, “Yup, just as I expected.  You get to choose who is deserving, post-birth.  You get to choose what is “unnecessary dependence.”  You might want to look up some quotes from Jesus.  Don’t remember him putting qualifiers on helping the poor.  In your system, the Government gets to choose how a woman handles her pregnancy, then tells her it’s her responsibility to raise the baby. Must be nice to have it both ways.” 

Sigh.  Do you see the battle we’re in, folks?  Total distortion of what I said and refusal to believe the truth shows hardness and bitterness of heart.  I am all for helping the truly needy.  She chose to deflect the original issue that abortion is murder, the taking of a human life, and respond with sarcasm.  The government has always had “qualifications” for receiving financial help.  And yes, the woman is responsible before God to either give the baby up for adoption or raise the child herself with the help of family and friends.  The government must not sanction the murder of innocent babies!

Now to the conjecture made by Catherine R. and Deborah K., that Pro-Choice means "you don't have to have an abortion if you don't want one."  Seriously?  That reasoning implies there's a law in our country that says you must abort your child, and the "Pro-Choice" crowd has to protect the woman from having one.  Are they living in China?  What twisted thinking.

I prayed for these women, that God would turn their hearts to humility, honesty, and an acknowledgement of the truth.  I pray for the day in our nation and culture when abortion will once again be considered murder and the diabolical atrocity that it is.

God bless you, dear reader! 

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy

Renaissance Dad

My husband and his consistent godly ways -- a true renaissance man

A renaissance man is one who has wide interests and is expert in several areas.  As I thought about Father’s Day, I wondered how many dads are interested or expert in the lives of their children.  The Scripture from Ephesians 6: 4 (NKJ) came to mind: “And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”  What gain is it for a dad to satisfy his intellect, obtain the respect of the whole world, but lose his own children?  

He knows about science, history and math;

He knows about cooking, too.

In ways of the world he’s unsurpassed,

But the value of kids he eschews.

How can a dad avoid exasperating his children?  What makes a “well-rounded man?”

·         Tell your child he’s a blessing; offer encouragement and help with things that are hard for him.  Write little notes and put them on his pillow, in a lunch box, or send texts.  (Make sure they are encouraging!)

·         Speak kindly; don’t tell him he’s a big fat idiot, a loser, who will never amount to anything.  Never shame him in order to try to get him to change—especially in front of others, where you think you may have more leverage to bend him to your will.  Find something good to say to and about your child.

·         Nurture an emotional connection with your child.  Pay attention to him and be friendly.  Love your child; have compassion for him as he learns to grow into adulthood.  Don’t demand perfection of him; he will feel exasperated as he continually fails to meet your impossible standards.

·         Have fun with your kids; allow yourself to act silly and participate in their childhood games.  Go on walks with them, plan a picnic, go to the zoo, vacations, etc.  They will always remember those good times.

·         Be generous as much as possible; don’t be stingy.  If you tell your kid he’s a financial burden, he will feel anxious and sad.  Give him some spending money once in a while and let him have the joy of buying something himself.

·         Never physically (or verbally) abuse your child!  Such wounds go deep into the soul and follow them through life – usually producing a life of bitterness, estrangement, and more abuse from him to others.  Harsh and unjust punishment is the fertile seedbed of violent criminals in our society. 

The book of Proverbs is full of advice from a father to his child.  The apostle Paul was a spiritual father to Timothy, Titus and others.  Timothy 4:7-8 (NKJ) says, “But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness.  For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things…”

In my opinion, a godly father is a true renaissance man.  Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there!  Be the leader in your home; set the example.

Copyright © 2014 by Elaine Beachy

Powerful Or Powerless?

Knock-Out Roses by my front porch

What do I mean by “powerful?” I certainly don’t mean an ego trip or a "knock-out" punch.  I do not mean that one person should play the role of a tyrant or exercise control over another.  By “powerful” I mean that you are emotionally strong enough to have healthy boundaries and not let people control you.  A powerful person is calm, assertive, positive, self-controlled with inner strength and resolve fueled by the power of the Holy Spirit. By “powerless,” I mean someone who is just the opposite: uptight, negative, angry, and emotionally weak. 

Home relationships are so “daily.”  How husbands and wives relate to one another is of utmost importance.  Since powerful parents produce powerful children, it is imperative that we parents learn to be powerful.  It will change the way children are disciplined.  Yes, parents can change generational cycles of family dysfunction! 

Children learn very quickly whether you’re a powerful or powerless parent.  Mom says, “Sammy, come here; it’s time for your bath.”  But Mom is busy watching TV and hasn’t prepared the bath water. Five minutes pass, and she says, “If you don’t come here right now, you’re gonna get it!”  Sammy keeps playing with Superman.  Another minute passes, and the child doesn’t make one move to obey.  Again, Mom threatens, voice louder this time, “Sammy, I said come here right now!”  Sammy ignores her and walks Superman up a wall.  Frustrated (perhaps because she has to stop watching her TV show to give the bath) Mom clicks off the TV, strides angrily toward Sammy, and whacks him hard on his backside.  The now-screaming parent says, “When I say come, I mean COME!”  Sammy whirls around, shouts at his mom to shut up, then fights and slaps her.  Now in a vise-grip hold, Sammy is marched off to the bathroom, where a warm bath is anything but fun as he is pushed and shoved and roughly treated. 

Powerless parents carry the seeds of child abuse and domestic violence.  The home is the cradle of a nation.  If the cradle is battered and shattered, what does that do to our nation?  Jails bulge with violent offenders.  Thank God there are many wonderful, godly, powerful parents.  But even in Christian homes, there is way too much child abuse.  We need to learn how to be powerful (as I have defined it).

The following lists of powerless vs. powerful people are based on Danny Silk’s book, “Keep Your Love On” and were made into a double-sided laminated bookmark by Lori, for the Women’s Life Brunch at Living Faith Church:

Powerless People

• Are consumers – they don’t give back in relationships
• Blame the messes of their life on others
• Don’t believe they have the power to manage themselves
• Use language such as “I’ll try,” “I have to,” “I can’t.”  They cannot say “YES or “NO.”
• Create an anxiety-driven environment wherever they go
• Don’t have healthy boundaries in relationships
• React to situations without thought
• Are not able to deal with their emotions in a healthy and responsible way
• Are either the “Rescuer,” “Bad Guy,” or “Victim” in relationships 

Powerful People

• Recognize they are responsible for themselves…they do not try to control others
• Use language such as “I can,” and “I will.” They say “YES,” or “NO.”
• Are not swayed by popular opinion or pressure. They know exactly what they want and how to communicate it.
• Intentionally create the environment they want to live in
• Refuse to be the victim of others
• Are who they say they are on a consistent basis
• Respond instead of react to situations
• Set clear boundaries, not walls, in relationships
• Their choice to love will stand no matter what the other person does or says.

Being powerful is very freeing; but just know that when you start setting consistent boundaries, you may confuse, anger or embarrass some of your family and friends when you don’t respond in your usual way. 

Eric* and Connie* had a difference of opinion.  True to fashion, Eric shouted at Connie in an attempt to intimidate her into compliance.  Eric was shocked when she said, “I will not let you talk to me that way.  When you are ready to talk calmly, we’ll discuss it.  I love you and want to have this discussion, but not in an abusive, disrespectful way.”  Connie turned and left the room.  She could tell by the expression on his face that he was stunned by her behavior.  After an hour, she came back into the room and sat down next to him.  They were able to discuss the situation rationally, and Eric learned a new way of interacting because Connie had the courage to break with powerless behavior.  

Domestic violence can happen when a couple’s relationship is built on mutual control.  Danny writes, “The unspoken pact (of mutual control) between them is, ‘It’s your job to make me happy, and it’s my job to make you happy.’  And the best way to get you to work on my life is for me to act miserable.  The more miserable I am, the more you will have to try to make me feel better.” 

Danny continues, “Powerless people use various tactics, such as getting upset, withdrawing, nagging, ridiculing, pouting, crying, or getting angry to pressure, manipulate, and punish one another into keeping this pact.  But this ongoing power play does nothing to make them happy…A relational bond built on mutual control simply can’t produce safety, love, or trust.  It can only produce more fear, pain, distrust, punishment, and misery.”

When it comes to sex, the husband (or wife) may use such tactics to avoid actually asking for intimacy.  Each thinks the other should know what he/she expects.  Learning to speak your true feelings with love takes courage and a major mind shift for those who aren’t used to powerful thinking.  No one needs to be a victim.  When you give the other person the same courtesy you desire, good things happen.  You know – the Golden Rule and all that.  J

When Danny taught programs for men and women convicted of domestic violence, he learned of one man who was arrested because he hit his wife.  But the police didn’t consider that “before that incident, his wife had knocked him unconscious twice – once with a frying pan and once with a gun.  So when she came at him a third time, he went on the offensive and knocked her down.  The cops took him away because she had a black eye and he didn’t.  That’s the kind of relationship they’d shared for over two decades.  They called it love.  But it was really two powerless people who had agreed to engage in a lifelong battle for control.” 

Sad, isn’t it?

*Names are fictitious.

Copyright © 2014 by Elaine Beachy

Doormats

In my previous blog post on clutter, titled “Up To Here,” I wrote, “Relationships can become cluttered too.  Sometimes to preserve the boundaries of your personhood, it becomes necessary to set limits on the amount of access people have to your life.  Don’t become a doormat or a “yes-man.”  Don’t give of yourself out of obligation or compulsion.  It will clutter your life with unhealthy emotions.  In I Corinthians 9:7 it says everyone should give what he decides in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, because God loves a cheerful giver.”

A reader commented that he never thought of cheerful giving when it came to his relationships.  I’d like to address that in this post.  Who of us hasn’t struggled with doing something cheerfully for someone?  Should we repress our true feelings and talk ourselves into helping out “cheerfully” when we really don’t want to?

Do you feel like you have to do what others expect of you?  Can’t say “no” to a request?  Do you let people walk all over you?  Are you afraid to disagree or say “no” for fear it will sound “unchristian?”  Sometimes people expect us to always say “yes” or be silent because we’re Christians.  After all, aren’t we supposed to be kind and helpful and just love everybody?  Aren’t we supposed to put ourselves last and others first?

Maybe you have a “no” stuck on your tongue.  Perhaps you feel powerless—always at the mercy of someone else’s wishes or crisis.  I used to be a powerless person; “yes” rolled off my tongue quite freely because I wanted people to think well of me.  God forbid I should ever say “no” to a request or truly speak my mind.  Don’t make waves, Elaine; keep the peace, just get along.  Don’t make anyone angry.  Always accommodate others.  No one told me to do that; it was just how I coped with things in my life.

Now don’t get me wrong; I truly love people and like to help them.  But I need to love myself too.  Am I not as valuable as others?  Scripture says, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.  This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”  Mark 12:30-31 (NKJ)  If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you love and respect your neighbor?

People who take advantage of your generosity are consumers.  They become takers and expect your compliance.  Years ago I was asked to fill in as leader of a kids’ class on a Sunday night at church.  The person who asked me assured me I would only need to do it until they found someone else—a week or two at the most.  I gave up Sunday night plans with my family to accommodate his request.  Several months went by, and I finally approached him and complained that he’d not kept his word.  I felt angry.  He laughed a bit and said in a condescending tone, “Aw, did someone step on your widdle-bitty heart?”  I finally told him, “I quit: I won’t be there anymore.”  I was finished.  I felt disrespected and taken advantage of.  At the same time I felt guilty, because, after all, wasn’t this good church work for God?  Was I right to not want to do it anymore?   

Then there are people who commit to things before they know the details, and then feel stuck and resentful.  The following illustration in Danny Silk’s book “Keep Your Love On,” bears out that point.

“Hey Danny, you want to help me move?”

“Sure.  Yeah, I can do that.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Uh, my son has a baseball game in the morning.”

“No problem.  How about 6:00 AM?  You busy then?”

“It’s my day off, so I wasn’t planning on getting up that early.  But sure.”

“Can we borrow your truck? We don’t have one.”

“Yeah, uh, sure.”

“Great.  Can you fill it up with gas because I don’t have any money?”

“Okay.” 

It doesn’t take rocket science to know what’s wrong with this picture.  Did Danny’s story “get your dander up?”  It did mine.  Just because we’re “good Christians” doesn’t mean we have to be a doormat and let people walk all over us.  It’s not healthy.  Doormats are useful things.  At the entry of a home, they catch the mud, snow and rain (or doggie doo) as one wipes his feet on them before going indoors.  But we should not let people bring their troubles to our door and expect us to automatically bail them out.  Sometimes we need to lovingly stand that doormat upright and make it a boundary! 

Sure, we want to be cheerful givers to our family, friends, and others.  But if we end up feeling exploited and don’t confront “takers,” we can easily become offended and bitter.  The way you can be a cheerful giver and protect your relationships is to let people know where your boundaries are; then you can give because you want to, not under compulsion, like the Scripture says in I Corinthians 9:7.  If you don’t have healthy boundaries, you can’t give cheerfully, and others will not respect you because you don’t respect yourself.  Your priorities, not the needs of others, should control your choices.  

People can be workplace doormats, too. “People at the office are beginning to realize that I’m good at what I do and that I know what I’m doing.” Ralph* commented.  Some are starting to take advantage of me.  The other day Joe* came to me for help with a project, and it was something I would have had to spend twenty minutes of my valuable time to learn how to do.  So I feigned ignorance and told him to ask Jack for help, since he’s very knowledgeable in that field.  I really didn’t have time to do his work and mine too.  Was it wrong of me to feign ignorance when I could have learned how to do it?”

Spouses and family members need good boundaries.  Tom* and Sue* planned a much-needed three-day weekend get-away to Solomon’s Island for their twentieth wedding anniversary.  Sue packed their suitcases, eager to leave early Friday morning as planned.  Thursday evening after dinner, Tom’s friend, Ned, called and said his car broke down again, and asked Tom if he would fix it to save him some money.  Tom had helped Ned before, and was good with cars, so Tom felt obligated to help Ned.  Besides, he’d been trying to sow seeds of Jesus’ salvation into Ned’s life.  It was important to reach out to him. But Tom also knew how much this trip meant to Sue. 

Tom covered the mouthpiece of the phone, and asked Sue, “Hon, could we leave for the weekend sometime Friday afternoon instead of morning?  Ned needs me to fix his car…”  Tom didn’t finish the rest of his sentence as he saw Sue’s eyes convey stunned disbelief.  Her eyes filled with tears as she turned and quietly walked out of the room without answering him.

In the above scenarios, Ralph would probably have felt better about himself had he been straight-up with Joe and kindly told him he didn't have time to help him and get his own work done, too.  Tom should never even have considered asking his wife to change their plans.  He should have simply expressed his regrets and told Ned outright they were going out of town early the next morning, and let Ned figure out how to handle his own car problems (or maybe suggest a good mechanic.)  And Sue should have stood up for herself and told her husband she felt hurt and de-valued.  (I can see a blow-up coming in Sue if she continues to stuff her feelings: either she’ll blow up at Tom or she’ll have a nervous breakdown).

Why do we think it’s somehow unloving or uncaring to be honest and tell people we don’t have time for something, have other plans, or have no interest in doing what they asked?  Just because we have good boundaries doesn’t mean we are hard-hearted or don’t love people, either.  Jesus had good boundaries.  Mark 6:31 (NIV) says, “Then, because so many people were coming and going that they could not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.’”  

We can choose to be powerful and cheerful in our relationships rather than be upset and powerless people who are at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions and desires.  I’ll explain what I mean by “powerful” versus “powerless” in my next post.  For more on this subject, I recommend the book, “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk.

May God help you establish good boundaries, dear reader!

*Fictitious names

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy

Up To Here

No, it’s probably not what you think.  The expression “I’ve had it up to here!” usually pertains to a person or situation that irritates them until they feel like blowing their stack.  Some people “have it up to here” another way – with “stuff.”

Several years ago, I watched a TV show about extreme hoarders and their compulsion to surround themselves with “stuff.”  At the request of a loved one, a consultant was brought in to help that one get their home straightened out, get psychological help, and learn to do without so much “stuff.”  I watched in fascinated revulsion at the scenes before my eyes.  I couldn’t believe anyone could live in such a pigsty. 

Kitchens had filth and grime on every surface, with piles in every corner.  The stove as well as the sink was piled high with unwashed dishes and cook pots encrusted with weeks of dried-on food that threatened to topple at any moment.  The kitchen table was piled high with stacks of mail and remains of the last meal.  Even the chairs held piles of “stuff.”

I saw room after room with barely a path to walk through.  Clothes, many with tags still attached, were stacked hip-high along both sides of the path to the next room.  There was no place to sit, unless one threw more things onto the already-littered floor.  Take-out Styrofoam containers with half-eaten food and plastic eating utensils littered the coffee table.  Clothes were strewn over arm chairs, the sofa, and a desk top.  Candy wrappers, empty chip bags, crumbled pieces of paper and mail found a home among the dirty clothes, making mammoth mountains of misery.  Only the TV screen was free of clutter.

The master bedroom had one path to the disheveled king size bed that was covered with dirty linens.  Piles of wrinkled laundry sat in baskets waiting to be folded or put away.  I won’t even discuss the bathroom.

The consultant who was brought in rented a huge warehouse and organized a gigantic community yard sale to get rid of the “stuff.”  My mouth gaped in amazement as I saw that warehouse filled with one family’s things.  The consultant’s team brought out things from the garage, the shed, the attic and the basement and their cars.  More than once, rotten boards and moldy drywall from years of un-ventilated storage were discovered as things were cleared out.

Hoarding and clutter are first cousins.  What soul condition brings about such a lifestyle?  Perhaps the fear of not having enough, due to lack experienced in childhood is an emotional cause.  The need to feel loved, valued, and comforted can also lead to hoarding, because these poor souls see “things” as comforting.

Laziness and procrastination also produce clutter.  Clutter starts by feeling too lazy, tired, or overwhelmed to take action: he/she doesn't want to clean up and put things away. It’s easier to throw a sweater on the floor along with the keys, purse and mail than to put each in its proper place immediately.  People who are easily distracted procrastinate.  Something else looks more interesting or demanding, and they go do that.”  So they don’t steward properly the first thing they were doing.

A person’s loved one who has died may find it difficult to throw things away because of the need to keep that feeling of “love connection.”  An impossible situation develops when feelings of grief and obligation become paramount in keeping a deceased loved one’s memory alive by holding on to their belongings.

A good solution that honors the memory of a parent or loved one is to take pictures of everything and place them neatly in a scrap book.  You show much more honor and respect to their memory that way than if you allow their unneeded things to clutter your house.  Or, to make room, you may wish to sell some of your own items and keep theirs.

Some people keep “helpful” clutter just in case a neighbor needs to borrow one of ten drills the husband stores in the garage, for example.  Or they keep things “just in case” they may ever need them.  We keep clothes that are too small, hoping to someday get back into them.  By the time we lose the weight (if ever), the style is outdated or no longer appeals to us.  Our tastes in clothing do change over time.  Give away clothes you can’t wear. 

Many Americans (perhaps other cultures too) buy big houses and strain their budgets to keep up with the Joneses; we foolishly buy bigger houses with more rooms in order to store more “stuff.”  Beware: it can easily lead to credit card debt and financial clutter.  

A burgeoning calendar of activities is another form of clutter.  You can buy a calendar with bigger squares to write more “stuff” on it, but we each only get twenty-four hours in a day.  Learn to say “no” to some activities, and instead, invest in time spent with your family.  Above all, one needs to have quiet time with God to meditate on His Word and pray. 

Trashy speech is mouth clutter.  Do we gossip, use profanity, speak in anger, or simply just talk too much?  Have you ever been in a social setting around someone who talks constantly?  It wearies the soul.   

Then there’s intellectual clutter.  We can be addicted to the stock market, news and politics, memorize sports stats and scores, follow movie stars or singers, etc.  Curtail information overload.  Constant controversy and arguments are also clutter.  (Picture your brain in the same condition as the house I described above.)  

Relationships can become cluttered too.  Sometimes to preserve the boundaries of your person-hood, it becomes necessary to set limits on the amount of access people have to your life.  Don’t become a doormat or a “yes-man.”  Don’t give of yourself out of obligation or compulsion.  It will clutter your life with unhealthy emotions.  I Corinthians 9:7 says everyone should give what he decides in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, because God loves a cheerful giver.

Where do I need to "clean house?"  When we leave clutter and hoarding behind, we say “yes” to a clean heart and home for ourselves.  We make room to live life to the fullest!

Happy de-cluttering, dear reader!

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy

Love Goes On and On

 

She may not wear high fashion,

Or go about with “airs.”

She may not have the latest “do,”

Or know about “The Bears.”

But clothed with strength and dignity,

She laughs at days to come.

She knows it snows and has no fear

As she protects her home.

Her children rise and call her blessed,

And husband sings her praise.

She does him good and never harm,

The full length of his days.

He lacks no confidence in her,

She works with eager hands.

Her arms are strong for every task;

In business, takes her stand.

Her heart is for the needy.

Instruction’s on her tongue.

Charm deceives and beauty leaves,

But love goes on and on.

I dedicate this tribute to godly mothers to my own mother, Elva Yoder.  I stand and salute you, Mom; I stand and call you blessed.  Happy Mother's Day!  I love you.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and your mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”  Ephesians 6:1-2 NIV

My poem was constructed from Proverbs 31:10-31. 

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy

The Trust Factor in Communication

We develop trust (or distrust) from the time we're born.  As babies, when we were  hungry, cold, wet, tired, or in pain, we expressed that need through crying.  A parent picked us up, the need was addressed, and trust established.

Dr. Spock's seriously flawed theory was that one should just let the child cry so as not to "spoil" him. However, that can start a cycle of mistrust rather than trust.  If we're left to cry for long periods of time, we learn that it's painful to not have our needs met when we voice them.

Then as we grow up, we close our heart (and mouth) because we're afraid people will reject us; we don't "cry" any more.  Our relationships become superficial. We think, "If they really knew what I thought our how I feel, they wouldn't like me."  So we close our heart. Or we may lash out with criticism and judgement that says, "I'm keeping you away from me.  It hurts to not have my needs met."

When we learn to not have our needs met, we develop an orphan spirit.  From an orphan spirit, one turns to something to have that need met, such as sexual promiscuity, homosexual tendencies, alcohol, drugs, pornography, addictions, etc.

The good news is that Jesus promised, "I will not leave you as orphans."  (John 14:18) He will heal every heart hurt if we come to Him with it.  He says, "Forgive all the people who've hurt you; trust Me first, and I will heal you from every hurt you'll ever have."  Don't ever close your heart to anyone.  Boundaries may need to be established to not let someone abuse us, but our hearts can still be open to them as we pray God's best for them.  If we trust God to heal every heart hurt, our identity will change; we'll feel strong.

Sally's mother was angry and critical when Sally left her denominational church to join a non-denominational one.  Mother continually insinuated that Sally was into doctrinal error and the rift between them widened.  One day Sally realized she needed to find her voice and tell her mother how she felt.  She needed to be understood.  Sally went to her mom and said, "Mom, when you talk to me like that, I feel disrespected.  You don't even know what I believe. Would you like me to tell you what I believe?"  That was the beginning of the healing of their relationship.

Another time, Sally was at a "girl's movie night out."  The hostess said, "Sally, you get to pick tonight's movie."  But before Sally could pick one, the  hostess grabbed one and put it in the VCR.  But Sally had learned to find her voice.  She spoke up and said, "I feel controlled."  It made Sally feel free of the whole scenario and put it back on the hostess to let her respond however she wished.  Had she said, "You're so controlling," it would have been a hostile expression of judgment toward the hostess.

Have you ever been around someone where you could feel the emotional tension by their actions, but they wouldn't talk?  When you asked them what's wrong, they replied, "Nothing."  Yet they want you to figure out what they're so upset about.  Maybe you've been such a person.  Many people lack the life skills needed for good communication.

Learn to express yourself -- your needs.  Don't expect your needs to be noticed by someone else. Sometimes we think people should be able to read our minds.  But my responsibility is to know what is going on inside of me and express it.  You are responsible to know what's going on inside of you and express it.  I am not responsible to know what's going on inside of you.  You're responsible to communicate your need to me.

Why don't we say what we mean?  Why don't we say how we feel?  The answer is fear of rejection. Speaking the truth in love will always work; love always works.  God's kind of love never fails.

How's the trust factor in your communication?

***

I wrote this post from notes taken during this morning's session of Women's Life at Living Faith Church in Manassas, VA.  Thank you, Sally, for your excellent teaching!  Sally facilitates Sozo Ministry for inner healing at Living Faith Church.  The church website is www.livingbyfaith.com. 

Copyright © 2014 Elaine Beachy