When Marriage Disintegrates

Tears flowed down Vanessa’s beautiful black face.  She gripped my hands as she related her painful story.

“Elaine, I need God to help me get through this; please pray for me,” she began.  “My husband Gary is white, and we’ve had a beautiful and happy marriage until five years ago.  I’m a breast cancer survivor, and doctors said I should have a hysterectomy so I won’t get uterine cancer.  I went through with it.  Of course, then I couldn’t have any more children, and he blamed me for that.  Our relationship started to fall apart, and these past five years have been a wild roller-coaster ride of a living nightmare because of all the emotional abuse he’s heaped on me.”

She made deep up and down roller-coaster motions with her hands and dabbed at her eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong—Gary wasn’t entirely to blame for the deterioration of our marriage; I bear my share of it.  We’ve both done and said things we regret.  But Elaine, he’s a Christian, and I just can’t understand why he’s acting the way he does.  I feel so confused, so unloved and tossed aside.  Gary always defended me to his mother, who was very much against us getting married in the first place.  He always stood up for me; we loved each other, and for years we had a great marriage.

“What is it with holidays?  Is he trying to make it as painful as possible?  The day before Thanksgiving last year, he told me he’d found someone else – someone younger.  Two days before Christmas, he announced he was moving out.  Then the day before Mother’s Day this year, he served me with divorce papers.  I didn’t want this divorce, and tried to get him to go with me to counseling, but he was stubborn.  Two days before what would have been our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, our divorce was final.”

Vanessa paused and wiped her face with a tissue and tried to compose herself.  After a bit she continued.

“I refuse to medicate myself with drugs or alcohol, or withdraw from church, stay to myself, and do other things I’m tempted to do, but it is just so hard.  I have never walked through anything so dark and terrible in all my life.  I understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to dull the pain.  But I know that’s a dead-end street, and I’m not going there.

“Our two children are suffering so much.  Daniel is nineteen, has moved out and sees Gary at work; he’s very angry at his dad and struggling with substance abuse.  Amy is twenty-one and lives with me.  I feel like I’ve failed my children… Our once happy home is split in two.  My daughter is slipping into depression, and I feel so helpless to know what to do for her.  I know I need to find some help for her.  I find myself watching way too much TV with her...I know I have to go to work and keep moving… I just want our family relationships to somehow be restored even if we’re divorced… I want our children to have a good relationship with their father.

“Gary said he wants to buy another house, and wants our current townhouse to be put into my name.  Just last week he was so angry because the refinancing on our townhome is taking longer than he'd like, and he blames me for that too.  The truth of the matter is that the refinancing difficulty is his fault because he inadvertently didn’t make the mortgage payment within the allotted time because he was out of town due to the death of his father.  But I just can’t reason with him.  It starts a huge fight, and I’m just so tired.”

My mind was reeling as she unburdened herself.  How my heart went out to her!  I prayed with Vanessa and told her I was so proud of her for not giving up, and for being in church every Sunday instead of staying home and withdrawing.  I told her she was a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer.  Sometimes the best thing to do is just to put arms around someone who’s hurting and cry with them.  

Vanessa inspires me as I see her Sunday after Sunday standing in her usual spot in the church sanctuary and worshipping the Lord with upraised hands.  I know she truly is giving a sacrifice of praise to her Savior, and my heart goes out to her.   

How could this happen to a once-happily married Christian couple?  How could a Christian man, who once stood up and defended his wife to his own mother, now turn on her?  What foundation of offense was laid, one plank at a time, until he became a prisoner in a house of bitterness? 

Do you see why I have such a passion and heart for children and the family?  Why I am so vehemently against anything that would destroy God’s plan for marriage according to the Holy Scriptures?  The world is reeling with sin and pain.  Scenes like this scenario are written in hell, and as mankind agrees with the devil, it is established. 

Stay free of taking offense, dear reader.  Don’t become a prisoner in a house of bitterness. I love you.

*Names have been changed to protect identity.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Violence Among The Young

“We were bored.”  Such was the reason given by two teenagers who shot and killed a man.  Another report said they wanted to be famous.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing yesterday when I turned on my TV and heard the shocking news.  Surely it was a bad joke.  But no. 

Three teens in a vehicle had followed twenty-two year old Christopher Lane and shot him in the back as he was minding his own business, enjoying a jog along a road in Duncan, Oklahoma.  He was here in the United States on a baseball scholarship at East Central University. 

On probation, fifteen-year-old James Francis Edwards Jr, had been in court that very day to sign papers related to his previous run-in with the law.  He and sixteen-year-old Chancey Allen Luna were charged as adults with first degree murder.  A third teen who allegedly drove the vehicle, seventeen-year old Michael Jones, was also arrested and bond set at $1 million.

The Facebook sites of these three teenagers showed they idolized musicians of violent rap music.  Sky News reported that investigators found this message on one of the alleged killer’s Facebook pages: “Bang.  Two drops in two hours.”  Apparently these three young men were on a killing spree.  The mother of the sixteen-year old said he and his two friends were part of a “wannabe gang,” but said her son was not a killer.*

These kids are sons, grandsons, and nephews.  What went wrong? Were they in search of significance? What was their home life like?  Did they have loving and caring families?  Somehow, I have a hard time picturing that.  Were the parents so self-absorbed and engrossed in their work/careers that they left their sons to fend for themselves?  Did they consider their children hopelessly uncontrollable?  Did violent video games play a part in creating such a callous mind-set?  Did those rap music heroes poison the minds and create a desire to act out what they were hearing day after day?  Did the parents know or care what their sons were listening to and posting on Facebook?  

One thing we know for sure: something turned their lives down the wrong path.  It’s just heart-breaking. 

And one can’t blame the gun laws.  There are laws a-plenty on the books against teens and criminals having guns, but they have them anyway.  Criminals always find ways to get guns.  To say a gun is to blame for this crime is like saying a rope is responsible for a lynching.  Do we need to outlaw ropes, too?  How about rocks, knives, high buildings and bridges, cars, planes, etc?  No—people are responsible for their actions, regardless of whatever is at their disposal or what weapon they use or how they behave in public and private.

Parenting is hard work.  No one said it was easy.  It takes diligence; it takes engaging in discipline when you’d rather just “let it slide” this time, because you don’t have the energy or want to take the time to correct your children.  It takes following through with instructions given and consequences for disobedience.  If you love your children, you’ll know and care about who your kids hang out with.  You’ll care about what they watch on TV, at the movies, on YouTube, or what music they listen to; you’ll teach them to be honest and trustworthy.  Of course, the precursor is that you as a parent are a good example yourself.  Care about your children; take an interest in them, honor them as little people created in the image of God.  It takes nipping undesirable traits in the bud.  Little things turn into big things down the road of life.

Be firm when you have to say “No” to a request, but be careful to choose your battles and think prayerfully before issuing consequences.  Don’t just automatically say “No” when you don’t want to be bothered with a request.  Say “Yes” as often as you can conscientiously do so.

Find good things for your kids to be involved in: sports, music, art classes, church youth group activities, volunteering at a homeless shelter, etc.  Encourage them to get a job mowing the neighbor’s grass for some spending money.   Give them responsibilities around the house and yard.  Have fun together – go on a picnic or go hiking. Talk honorably with your teens.  Let your child know he should be a pace-setter, a leader rather than a follower of what everyone else is doing. 

Most important of all, be a committed Christian and lead him into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Set your teen's sights high; declare God’s goodness over his life.  Your children need to know God cares about them and needs them to make a difference for good in this world. 

Growing up I heard the phrase, “Idleness is the devil’s workshop.”  In the case of this murder, the words, “We were bored,” certainly gives credence to that saying.

I think of the scripture, “The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.”  Proverbs 29:15 (KJV) and, “Do not be misled: bad company corrupts good character.”  I Corinthians 15:33 (NIV)

The other day I sent a little inspirational e-mail to my grandchildren who have e-mail accounts, and I think it conveys my additional thoughts well.  Here is a partial copy and paste:

In some ways our lives are like a garden. I think the soil is like our heart, right? The kind of seed we sow in that soil will sprout and push tiny shoots above the ground. The more we feed and water that seed, the taller it grows.

Our thoughts are like seeds we sow. I thought of a quote by Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first female Prime Minister years ago:

“Watch your thoughts for they become words.
Watch your words for they become actions.
Watch your actions for they become habits.
Watch your habits for they become your character.
And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.
What we think, we become.
My father always said that... and I think I am fine.”

― Margaret Thatcher

I think that’s a good motto to live by, don’t you? I like it myself. To keep weeds out of the garden of our heart, we need to destroy thoughts before they have a chance to take root, and then plant good thoughts instead. Thoughts become words, and the words we say steer our lives like the rudder on a ship, as the Bible says in James 3:2-12. Isn’t that amazing?

Enough said.

God bless you, dear reader!

*Source: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/21/police-say-teen-shot-australian-student-in-oklahoma-for-fun-it/

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

The Old(er) and the Young

A friend has inspired me with his interest and love of the young generation; he’s also a godly example to his peers.  When he is in a gathering of people, you’ll find him sharing answers to prayer and encouraging others in their walk with the Lord.  How wonderful to see the young in that conversation group as well!

Every Thursday, my friend fasts and uses his lunch hour instead to e-mail, text, and pray for people.  He speaks into the lives of his peers and the next generation. 

For over a year, he and his wife fasted dinner together once a week and prayed for a young man who needed Jesus.  Last fall this precious young man knelt with his father at home and surrendered his life to Jesus as his Lord and Savior.  Hallelujah!  Now my friend drives two hours one way every month to have breakfast with him and encourage him.  He continues to cover him in prayer.

As she spends time with the Lord in daily Bible reading and prayer, a godly grandmother I know is writing a journal for her young granddaughter.  What a priceless legacy!  (I plan to write my memoirs for my children and grandchildren after I publish the third book in my Biff and Becka trilogy.)

The “ceiling” of the older generation should be the “floor” of the young, and we should help them succeed.  But it’s true that often the young insist on finding their own way through life and reject the wisdom and experience of their elders.  That’s why we need to cover them in prayer, give them grace, and encourage them to excel.

There needs to be mutual respect between the generations.  What one gives out comes back; what one sows, one reaps.  What I mean is that if an older person is unkind or critical of a young person, that young one will likely respond to the older person in kind.  Likewise, if a young person is snippy, disrespectful and rude, he should not be surprised if he is not given respect by his elders.

The older generation tends to prefer visiting someone in person vs. using Skype; talking on the phone vs. texting; sending greeting cards and letters vs. e-mail or social media.

 

The older generation provides settled traditions and customs that give structure and support to the young.  The older generation provides a “nest,” if you will, for the younger ones to grow up in.  It has the advantage of experience and, hopefully, godly wisdom that the young people need.  Young ones need to hear and learn of living a life of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, because that’s the only solid footing for them in life.  “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” Psalm 127:1  

The younger generation is seemingly obsessed with how fast they can communicate with one another, and display intimate details of their life for the whole world to see through glass walls of social media.  Sometimes they do very rash, foolish and stupid things that hurt their friends and their own reputation. 

But they can also more easily envision new things, help invent new technology, help older people learn new things, and have fresh insights about the world around them.  They show boundless energy, enthusiasm and passion for what they believe in, and can encourage the older generation to stoke the fires of old dreams that may have died.

I remember the passion I felt as a teenager about injustice and world conditions.  That passion never left me, and remains today; it’s expanded to passion for the rule of God’s Kingdom on earth. 

As a high school senior in 1964, I heard a lot about Communism and its terrible effects on the lives of those governed by it.  I was moved and deeply impassioned about the horror stories of mistreatment I read, and carried a book titled “You Can Trust The Communists…to be Communists,” around with me in the school's hallways.  It drew some questioning looks from students, but I didn’t care.  I was on a mission to educate the world about these things.  I remember the report I gave in Mr. Deeter’s history class on the atrocities suffered by those held in labor camps in Communist regions.  I don’t think he was too impressed: he cut my report short.

It’s a precious thing when a young person considers a parent or grandparent to be their role model, one to be looked up to.  I remember Miss Horchner’s class in high school where we girls were supposed to give a report on the person we most wanted to be like in life, and why.  I listened as other girls got up and said they wanted to be like a famous country music singer, a dancer, a musician, a gymnast or an actress, etc.  I felt slightly intimidated, but also proud, when it was my turn to stand in front of the class.  I wrote that the person I most wanted to be like was my mother.

I’ll never forget the look on Miss Horchner’s face when I finished.  It was one of being close to tears.  She remarked, “Very nicely done!”

In thinking of the young and old, I remember a scripture in Joel 2:28, NIV, that says, “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people.  Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.”  What a wonderful promise from God!

The older generation needs to provide prayer covering for the young generation.  We need to show them we care by extending acceptance and a hand up in friendship as the friend I mentioned.

I know my grandmother Olive Yoder covered her children and grandchildren in prayer and I am blessed because of it.  See more on grandmothers at my blog post in 2011: http://elaine-beachy.blogspot.com/2011/10/grandmothers.html.  Also see a tribute to my parents here:  http://elaine-beachy.blogspot.com/2011/10/picture.html

I hope you’ll take five minutes to listen to this wonderful song by Steve Green: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eERKnxzNzwg  It conveys my heart quite well.

God bless you, dear reader!  I invite your comments below.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

    

Honorary Uncle

I have a special place in my heart for my distant cousin and high school teacher, Kenton Yoder, whom I affectionately call my “third son.”  He and our children went to school together and have always been close friends.  Although we live separated by 150 miles, Kenton comes to Virginia to visit several times a year and has been part of our family vacations for a number of years.  He is such a blessing to our family.

Kenton shares my concern and love for the next generation, and his actions prove it.  My “third son” has “done me proud!”  Let me explain.

My first grandchild, Alissa Rose, turned sweet sixteen on August 3, 2013.  Amid the celebration, I was shown an e-mail she received from her “honorary uncle.”

I e-mailed Kenton and asked his permission to publish his beautiful letter: he said “yes.”  I also asked my granddaughter’s permission (and received it) to have her name used.  The following is what I wrote Kenton in my request:

“When I read your e-mail to her, I had tears in my eyes, because I could feel the love and care you had in your heart for her (Alissa).  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for investing in her life – taking the time to write such a lovely thing!

As a grandmother, it fills my heart with much thankfulness to God for placing you in her life.  The generations need each other; indeed, that was to have been the subject of my next blog post… No doubt your words will stay with her forever.  That e-mail is better than anything you could have bought for her.  I am forever grateful for that!”

Without further ado, I present to you the priceless e-mail letter from my honorary son to my granddaughter Alissa:

Dear Alissa,

Happy 16^th Birthday, my Honorary Niece! I wonder if you would permit me to talk with you a bit about some things that would perhaps be difficult and awkward for me to mention if we were face-to-face, because they are so important and personal.

There are so many things about you that I enjoy and appreciate. Your whole-hearted enjoyment of the activities you engage in, your lack of pretentiousness, your athleticism and grace in gymnastics, your musical ability, your intelligence, your laughter, your good relationship with Nicole....

God has blessed you with so many gifts and with one very special gift that is becoming vanishingly rare in the U.S. today—two parents who love God, who are committed to and love each other, and who love you. I thank God that you have so far resisted the temptation so common among teenagers in our society today to believe and act as if your parents are stupid, not worthy of your respect and honor. I pray that you will continue to honor your parents’ wisdom, because God really will make that a great blessing in your life.

I don’t know anything (good or bad) about your friends. I was fortunate when I was your age to have friends like your dad, your Uncle Kevin, and your Uncle Doug. They were friends that made me want to become a better person than I was to be worthy of their respect, approval, and honor. Be friendly and kind and polite to everyone, especially to those who lack friends, but surround yourself with friends that you can “live up to,” that make you want to be a better person. Why make your life harder by often being around those who encourage you to do things that are wrong or dishonorable? You are so beautiful in heart and mind and body, you are like the clean, bright flash of a sword in the sunlight. But a sword left in the mud will become dim and dull and rusty. It would grieve me if you let “mud” soil your soul.

One of the hardest things for anyone to do when pressed by a close friend to do that which is wrong is to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. It would hurt God, my parents, and me. Please don’t ask me again.” It makes you feel like a pious prig, as if you were claiming to be better than your friend, and of course you know in your heart that that isn’t really so, that you struggle with sin and temptation just as much as any of your friends. It would be so easy just to go along, not make a fuss. But if you honor God, God will honor you, and it may surprise you the respect and honor you will gain in the eyes of your friends. Going along with evil is always easier and more comfortable, but it will NEVER earn you the true respect of your peers (at least not from any person whose respect you want). I want to encourage you to be the kind of person that your friends can come to for help and advice. If you are drowning, you don’t ask help of the person who is sinking beside you, but from someone who is standing on the bank and can throw you a rope.

Lastly, be a good friend. Guard your tongue. God says it is the hardest thing in the world to tame. Work on finding kind and genuine complimentary things to say about people. Resist the temptation to criticize people who aren’t there; instead shift the conversation to something else. Talking about someone behind her back and not being discreet with secrets that you know are great ways to ruin friendships and lose their trust and confidence.

I am afraid that I have left you with the impression that I do not trust you or that I am afraid for you. This is not so. But having seen you begin so well, I want to see you run the rest of your race with joy and peace and freedom with the fresh wind in your face. Not burdened with regrets and might-have-beens.

I hope you enjoy this next year. 16 for me was a great year, and they just kept getting better into my twenties. I hope you find that to be true in your life as well. More things to enjoy, deeper friendships, more freedom, lots of happy memories. Again, best birthday wishes to you.

Your Honorary Uncle,

Kenton

A marketing slogan from Hallmark Cards comes to mind: “When you care enough to send the very best!”  Thank you, Kenton, for living out that Hallmark slogan and for allowing me to publish your beautifully-written sentiments.

Every child should have a person like Kenton, besides their parents, who will speak into his life.  Together we can build a fortress against the evil one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  How could you speak into the life of a young person in your circle of influence?

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy