Carrie and Trent

Carrie:

Carrie gritted her teeth and slammed the dishes into the dishwasher.  She couldn’t believe Trent would be so insensitive on her birthday!  Not that he noticed—he never even mentioned her birthday.  Why hadn’t he taken her out to dinner to celebrate? Instead, he even turned on the television to watch an episode of M*A*S*H during dinner.  She felt like she could m-a-s-h him.

She brushed away angry tears as she wiped the table and countertops furiously, and glanced at Trent settled comfortably in his favorite chair watching TV and reading the newspaper.  How could he take her so for granted?  Look at him -- taking it easy while she was still slaving away, cleaning up after a dinner she shouldn't have had to make in the first place.  

Carrie made up her mind to not say anything.  She would be “noble” and suffer in silence.  This wasn’t the first time she’d felt disappointed by Trent.  Why couldn’t he treat her like he used to when they were dating?  He’d been so attentive and thoughtful then…

Trent:

Trent peered at Carrie over the newspaper.  Why was she acting so strangely?  She hardly said a word during dinner, and the sound of dishes flung into the dishwasher alerted him that something was up.  He noticed her deep sigh and flushed cheeks.  Was she angry about something? 

It seemed she’d changed a lot lately.  His mind went back to last week when Justin and Marybeth came over to watch a movie, and he’d cringed with embarrassment as Carrie put him down in front of his friends. She’d criticized what he was wearing and talked about how he snored when he slept.  She said how he was too outspoken in their life group at church and walked through the house like a blundering moose. 

Maybe it had something to do with that diet book he’d given her last month…  He focused his attention back on the television.  There'd be no romance in this house tonight...

The Crazy Cycle

What’s going on here?  According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book, “Love and Respect,” Carrie and Trent have gotten themselves onto the “Crazy Cycle” and can’t seem to get off.  It goes something like this:

Because she feels unloved, Carrie reacts to Trent without respect; without respect from Carrie, Trent reacts to her without love.  Can you see this crazy wheel?  Is there a way off this destructive merry-go-round?  (Only it’s not so “merry!”)

 

Let’s pretend Trent could see a picture of Carrie’s emotional world.  Love is the air she needs to breathe, and there’s an imaginary hose connected to her love tank.  When Trent steps on her air hose, Carrie feels unloved.

If Carrie could see Trent’s need to breathe the air of respect, she wouldn’t be so quick to step on the air hose attached to his love tank and make him feel disrespected. 

When you see the spirit of the other deflate, and communication shuts down (or maybe a royal verbal battle ensues), you would know you are stepping on their air hose.  Don’t exercise squatter’s rights: get off! 

“Well,” you may ask, “Who’s to get off first?” 

Here’s some good advice: the one who considers himself the most spiritual goes first.  Humility and good communication skills are keys in “clearing the air.”  Placing blame only makes the crazy cycle spin faster.

Maybe you don’t know what to say.  Here are some dialog openers you may find helpful:    

The husband could say to his wife, “I feel disrespected.  Did I come across to you as unloving just now?” 

And the wife could say to her husband, “That felt unloving to me.  Did I just come across as disrespectful toward you?”

The Energizing Cycle

Dr. Eggerichs describes the energizing cycle: his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.  That wheel will take you in the direction you want to go!

Husband, speak kindly to your wife and encourage her.  Speak well of her and keep her faults between the two of you.  Shield and protect your wife from physical harm and verbal abuse of others.  Thank her for the good things she does, build her up, and value her.  

Learn what things make your spouse feel loved or respected, whether it’s receiving gifts, or words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, or quality time. 

If you don’t’ know your love language, I recommend both husband and wife take this quiz on Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, and let each other know what yours is.

Both husband and wife should practice being cheerful and friendly.  I wonder how much marital trouble could be avoided if they just did this one thing: smile at one another!  Guard your marriage by refusing to take offense and allowing it to fester. 

Wife, brag about your husband’s good points to others and speak well of him.  Tell him his faults in private if you must, but don’t ever despise him in your heart.  Thank him for doing things for you and don’t take him for granted.  Comment on things well done.  Do things that you know make him feel respected.  Proverbs 31: 11-12 says, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life.”

I love how the Amplified Bible speaks to the husband-wife relationship in Ephesians 5:33.  “However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates him, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.]

You’ll stay off the Crazy Cycle and enjoy the Energizing Cycle instead. 

God bless you, dear reader.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy