Self Control and Purity

The apostle Paul writes in Titus 2:3-5: “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers, or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” 

My two previous posts were on husband/wife relationships, and mothers loving their children.  Today I want to talk about what I would say to a young wife about being self-controlled and pure, with the goal being not to malign the Word of God.

What does it mean to malign the Word of God?  According to Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary, “malign” means to be evil in nature or influence; showing intense, and often vicious, ill will.  It also means to utter misleading or false reports that injure and speak evil of someone or something.  Even subtle misrepresentation, not always deliberate lying, along with continued attack on a reputation, defames and slanders a good name. 

This means that women are to exhibit self-control and purity so no one can speak evil of God’s Word and bring disrepute to the name, “little Christ,” or Christian, by how a woman behaves. 

If you’re like me, you automatically associate the word “self-control” with dieting and weight loss. I have been conditioned to primarily think that way too.  And not over-eating certainly is part of being self-controlled.  So is drinking wine in excess, which causes drunkenness and ungodly behavior.  Indeed, our Scripture passage from which I’m writing these posts says that the older women should teach the younger wives not to be addicted to much wine.  But there are other areas I want to address as well.

We need to refrain from gossip.  James 3:2 says “We all stumble in many ways.  If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.”  Whether at a Bible study or a Pampered Chef party, it’s especially easy for women to gossip about someone, dissecting juicy tidbits of gossip that make one feel better than “that person.”  Ask God to fill you with His love for others; practice thinking kind and helpful thoughts about others, giving them grace just as you would want to receive grace from someone.

We women need to keep our tempers under control.  We can’t suck words back into our mouths after they leave the lips.  We need to regularly pray, “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”  (Psalm 141:3)

You may not think that the subject of keeping your promises is a matter of self control, but it is.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep or have no intention of keeping.  Your word must be your bond.  Psalm 115:4 tells us we must keep our promises even when it hurts.  Be a woman of integrity! 

Be pure in heart.  What does that look like?  It means having eyes only for your husband, and keeping the secret places of your heart devoted to him, your marriage relationship and your family.  Don’t look to another man (pastor or not) for understanding, sympathy and counsel.  Keep yourself only to your husband, so long as you both shall live.

I’ll add a personal illustration here that I shared sometime in 2012 on this blog.  When my kids were in school, I became addicted to watching soap operas.  One day I suddenly became aware of the thought, “having an affair wouldn’t be so bad.”  I was shocked at the thought.  In horror, I watched as the Lord revealed to me what my life would be like if I ever had an affair.  I would lose my Christian witness, my family, my children’s respect and influence in their lives, and bring disgrace on my whole family.  It terrified me so badly that I turned that TV off and never watched any soap operas again! 

So I’m warning you: be careful what you watch on TV.  The devil uses subtle means to sow his thoughts into your brain.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  (Proverbs 4:23)  Be careful of the romance novels you read.  Would Jesus want you to read them?  Would Jesus approve of the TV shows you watch? 

We women need to be circumspect about the way we dress.  I believe the way a woman dresses reflects what’s in her heart.  Is her heart pure?  Then she will want to dress modestly.  By that I mean she will be very self-conscious of wearing plunging necklines and short skirts.  I know it’s very common, even in church, to see women and young girls with necklines that show three to four inches of cleavage.  I have been embarrassed more than once by what I saw.  Ladies, don’t shame yourself or the name of Jesus by dressing like that.  Wear what you would want to wear around Jesus, and you’ll do well.  Don’t let your heart be drawn to lure the attention of the opposite sex.  It matters how you live.  The Spirit of God works through your born-again spirit to change you.  A heart that wants to please God above all else is key here. 

I love the way the Amplified Bible translates I Timothy 2:9: “Also I desire that women should adorn themselves modestly and appropriately and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with elaborate hair arrangement or gold or pearls or expensive clothing, but by doing good deeds…as befits women who profess reverential fear for and devotion to God.”

For two years before I got married and one year after I was married, I worked in the Flushing Shirt Factory in Meyersdale, PA.  I worked next to a lady who was an unbeliever.  At that time I was a Mennonite, and I’d been trying to share Jesus with her, when one day she quipped, “You know, those Amish women who wear long dresses are no better than those who don’t.  It just takes them longer to get their skirts up.”  Talk about diverting attention from the subject at hand!  But I wondered if she knew someone who lived an immoral lifestyle.  I sincerely hoped not.

Be self-controlled and pure, dear sisters in Christ.

God bless you.

(All Scriptures are from the NIV unless otherwise noted.)

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

When Mother Love Is Not

 “If your mother is/was wonderful, be grateful.  Not every child is so lucky.”  (Dr. Melody T. McCloud)

It may seem strange to hear a command from the Lord in Titus 2:4-5 that older women are to teach younger women to love their children.  One would think that loving your child is an automatic given.  But is it? 

Mother’s Day is supposed to be a day to honor Mother.  All the cards say things like, “Thank you for being the most wonderful mother in the world… You were always there for me – supporting me, encouraging me, helping me be all I could be…

But for too many, it’s a pain-filled time.

Why would a mother not love her children?  Perhaps she had no role model when she grew up, so she treats her children as she was treated. Another reason could be that the child was fathered by a man who raped or divorced her.

Perhaps the mother simply sees him/her as a bother, limiting the fulfillment of her dreams and aspirations in life.  She may not like what having a baby can do to her figure – she’s narcissistic. 

One thing is certain: the mother never bonded with her child. 

As I did some research, I was stunned by what I found.  For example, I learned that psychiatrists have a name for a “condition” where mothers deliberately make their child sick, subject him to many medical tests and procedures, and even have him/her hospitalized.  All the while, people praise Mother for being so devoted and attentive.  The “condition,” called MSP, describes a mother who uses her children in mean ways (even adult children) to gain praise and sympathy for themselves.  Unbelievable!  A bad mother can be manipulative, jealous, deceitful, and harmful – even wicked.

The other week I helped Wendy Morad edit a manuscript for the book she’s writing about the story of her life, titled “Hope Kept Me Alive.”  I felt sick to my stomach as I read of the horrible years of abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother and others who were supposed to love and care for her.  Wendy gave me written permission to share anything I wanted to from her manuscript.

“My Catholic mother almost aborted me.  Her marriage to my father failed.  Then, as a five-year-old, I was kidnapped, abandoned, given away by my own mother and raised by a stranger.  My childhood was saturated with physical and emotional pain as I endured dysfunction and bizarre mistreatment.  Inside I was a dying soul; my body was bruised, often bleeding, and taken advantage of.  If there ever was a human punching bag, it was I.

“My mom gave me to Linda to raise.  I was taught to steal for her and lie.  Many times after I would drift off to sleep I was suddenly awakened by Linda.  She would beat me up in my bed, pull my hair, slap me around, scratch or hurt me in cruel ways.  That experience was like some kind of malicious shock treatment I had to endure without sedation.  I was tormented with nightmares for years.  If I wasn’t awakened by Linda, demons would take their turns torturing me… I lived in constant fear from a very young age.  I was afraid to close my eyes at night…

“I saw my mother once in a while after I was given to Linda.  At the age of nine I watched my mother try to kill herself as she picked up sharp pieces of a broken mirror off the floor and slit her wrist.  I watched her push the glass into her wrist and move it back and forth…I don’t remember how deep the cuts were or how much blood she lost, or who came to help…my mind blocked it out…

“My mom was embarrassing to be around.  She was irrational and disorderly, and communication consisted of outbursts of anger, arguing, crying, throwing and breaking things, even the Walkman I had received as a Christmas present.  She crushed my heart and made me feel hated.  She was happy to see me upset, and never offered an apology.  She destroyed my toys, ripped and cut my dolls apart with scissors.  She stole my money in my piggy bank after she smashed it to the floor.  My mother broke my heart. I just wanted to be loved, to feel secure, to feel wanted…

“How I longed for a kind word.  My favorite childhood phrase was, “I’m rubber and you’re glue; what you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”  I was a victim of bullying at school, with no one to comfort me.  I could never relax…”

Wendy’s life is (hopefully) not a picture of the great majority of families.  But I know that there are many young mothers with some dysfunction who need to be taught how to love their children or the command to do so wouldn’t be in the Scriptures.

 Since I am an older woman of sixty-seven years, a lover of Jesus and a mother of three and grandmother of four, I am to teach the younger women.  If I were to mentor a younger woman to love her children, I would want to take the following steps:

1.  Make sure she has declared Jesus to be the Lord of her life.

2.  Pray with her against trauma suffered in her own life and ask God to set her free and forgive those who hurt her so she can love and bond with her children.  Teach her to pray, and to ask her children for forgiveness for any wrong treatment they received from her.

   

3.  Teach her not to place unreasonable demands on her children, but to be gentle with them.  “Let your gentleness be evident to all…” (Philippians 4:5) and “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:32)  

4.  Teach her to encourage the child, give her compliments, and say nice things about her to others. “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  (Colossians 4:6)  Another scripture I think of is Proverbs 31:26: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.”  (NKJ)

5.  Teach her not to let harsh, demeaning talk – cursing, swearing, etc, come out of her mouth – not to crush her child’s spirit.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.”  (Ephesians 4:29)

6.  Teach her that no physical abuse is allowed.  “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”  (Ephesians 4:31) The command given to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 is also a command for mothers: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (NKJ)

7.  Teach her to provide proper nourishment – learn to cook good meals.  Proverbs 31:15 says, “She gets up while it is still dark, and provides food for her family.” 

8.  Teach her ways to discipline her child with godly instruction and fairness.  “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  (Proverbs 22:6)

9.  Teach her to make time to play with her children.  “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Philippians 2:4

10.  Teach her to show affection to her children with hugs, pats on the back, favors granted, and smiles. “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly [and I would add 'motherly'] love, in honor preferring one another.”  Romans 12:10 (KJV)

Here’s a link for further reading on the subject of mothers who don’t love their children:

http://revangiem-n.com/tag/why-doesnt-my-mother-love-me-why-dont-i-love-my-children-mother/

In closing I’m reminded of a poem by William Ross Wallace and the famous line that reads, “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”  http://www.potw.org/archive/potw391.html

What an awesome privilege and responsibility we have as mothers to love our children! 

Note:  All scriptures are from the NIV unless otherwise noted.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Carrie and Trent

Carrie:

Carrie gritted her teeth and slammed the dishes into the dishwasher.  She couldn’t believe Trent would be so insensitive on her birthday!  Not that he noticed—he never even mentioned her birthday.  Why hadn’t he taken her out to dinner to celebrate? Instead, he even turned on the television to watch an episode of M*A*S*H during dinner.  She felt like she could m-a-s-h him.

She brushed away angry tears as she wiped the table and countertops furiously, and glanced at Trent settled comfortably in his favorite chair watching TV and reading the newspaper.  How could he take her so for granted?  Look at him -- taking it easy while she was still slaving away, cleaning up after a dinner she shouldn't have had to make in the first place.  

Carrie made up her mind to not say anything.  She would be “noble” and suffer in silence.  This wasn’t the first time she’d felt disappointed by Trent.  Why couldn’t he treat her like he used to when they were dating?  He’d been so attentive and thoughtful then…

Trent:

Trent peered at Carrie over the newspaper.  Why was she acting so strangely?  She hardly said a word during dinner, and the sound of dishes flung into the dishwasher alerted him that something was up.  He noticed her deep sigh and flushed cheeks.  Was she angry about something? 

It seemed she’d changed a lot lately.  His mind went back to last week when Justin and Marybeth came over to watch a movie, and he’d cringed with embarrassment as Carrie put him down in front of his friends. She’d criticized what he was wearing and talked about how he snored when he slept.  She said how he was too outspoken in their life group at church and walked through the house like a blundering moose. 

Maybe it had something to do with that diet book he’d given her last month…  He focused his attention back on the television.  There'd be no romance in this house tonight...

The Crazy Cycle

What’s going on here?  According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book, “Love and Respect,” Carrie and Trent have gotten themselves onto the “Crazy Cycle” and can’t seem to get off.  It goes something like this:

Because she feels unloved, Carrie reacts to Trent without respect; without respect from Carrie, Trent reacts to her without love.  Can you see this crazy wheel?  Is there a way off this destructive merry-go-round?  (Only it’s not so “merry!”)

 

Let’s pretend Trent could see a picture of Carrie’s emotional world.  Love is the air she needs to breathe, and there’s an imaginary hose connected to her love tank.  When Trent steps on her air hose, Carrie feels unloved.

If Carrie could see Trent’s need to breathe the air of respect, she wouldn’t be so quick to step on the air hose attached to his love tank and make him feel disrespected. 

When you see the spirit of the other deflate, and communication shuts down (or maybe a royal verbal battle ensues), you would know you are stepping on their air hose.  Don’t exercise squatter’s rights: get off! 

“Well,” you may ask, “Who’s to get off first?” 

Here’s some good advice: the one who considers himself the most spiritual goes first.  Humility and good communication skills are keys in “clearing the air.”  Placing blame only makes the crazy cycle spin faster.

Maybe you don’t know what to say.  Here are some dialog openers you may find helpful:    

The husband could say to his wife, “I feel disrespected.  Did I come across to you as unloving just now?” 

And the wife could say to her husband, “That felt unloving to me.  Did I just come across as disrespectful toward you?”

The Energizing Cycle

Dr. Eggerichs describes the energizing cycle: his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.  That wheel will take you in the direction you want to go!

Husband, speak kindly to your wife and encourage her.  Speak well of her and keep her faults between the two of you.  Shield and protect your wife from physical harm and verbal abuse of others.  Thank her for the good things she does, build her up, and value her.  

Learn what things make your spouse feel loved or respected, whether it’s receiving gifts, or words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, or quality time. 

If you don’t’ know your love language, I recommend both husband and wife take this quiz on Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, and let each other know what yours is.

Both husband and wife should practice being cheerful and friendly.  I wonder how much marital trouble could be avoided if they just did this one thing: smile at one another!  Guard your marriage by refusing to take offense and allowing it to fester. 

Wife, brag about your husband’s good points to others and speak well of him.  Tell him his faults in private if you must, but don’t ever despise him in your heart.  Thank him for doing things for you and don’t take him for granted.  Comment on things well done.  Do things that you know make him feel respected.  Proverbs 31: 11-12 says, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life.”

I love how the Amplified Bible speaks to the husband-wife relationship in Ephesians 5:33.  “However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates him, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.]

You’ll stay off the Crazy Cycle and enjoy the Energizing Cycle instead. 

God bless you, dear reader.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy