“If your mother
is/was wonderful, be grateful. Not every
child is so lucky.” (Dr. Melody T.
McCloud)
It may seem strange to hear a command from the Lord in Titus
2:4-5 that older women are to teach younger women to love their children. One would think that loving your child is an
automatic given. But is it?
Mother’s Day is supposed to be a day to honor Mother. All the cards say things like, “Thank you for
being the most wonderful mother in the world… You were always there for me –
supporting me, encouraging me, helping me be all I could be…
But for too many, it’s a pain-filled time.
Why would a mother not love her children? Perhaps she had no role model when she grew
up, so she treats her children as she was treated. Another reason could be that
the child was fathered by a man who raped or divorced her.
Perhaps the mother simply sees him/her as a bother, limiting
the fulfillment of her dreams and aspirations in life. She may not like what having a baby can do to
her figure – she’s narcissistic.
One thing is certain: the mother never bonded with her
child.
As I did some research, I was stunned by what I found. For example, I learned that psychiatrists
have a name for a “condition” where mothers deliberately make their child sick,
subject him to many medical tests and procedures, and even have him/her
hospitalized. All the while, people
praise Mother for being so devoted and attentive. The “condition,” called MSP, describes a
mother who uses her children in mean ways (even adult children) to gain praise
and sympathy for themselves.
Unbelievable! A bad mother can be
manipulative, jealous, deceitful, and harmful – even wicked.
The other week I helped Wendy Morad edit a manuscript for
the book she’s writing about the story of her life, titled “Hope Kept Me
Alive.” I felt sick to my stomach as I
read of the horrible years of abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother and
others who were supposed to love and care for her. Wendy gave me written permission to share
anything I wanted to from her manuscript.
“My Catholic mother almost aborted me. Her marriage to my father failed. Then, as a five-year-old, I was kidnapped,
abandoned, given away by my own mother and raised by a stranger. My childhood was saturated with physical and
emotional pain as I endured dysfunction and bizarre mistreatment. Inside I was a dying soul; my body was
bruised, often bleeding, and taken advantage of. If there ever was a human punching bag, it
was I.
“My mom gave me to Linda to raise. I was taught to steal for her and lie. Many times after I would drift off to sleep I
was suddenly awakened by Linda. She
would beat me up in my bed, pull my hair, slap me around, scratch or hurt me in
cruel ways. That experience was like
some kind of malicious shock treatment I had to endure without sedation. I was tormented with nightmares for
years. If I wasn’t awakened by Linda,
demons would take their turns torturing me… I lived in constant fear from a
very young age. I was afraid to close my
eyes at night…
“I saw my mother once in a while after I was given to
Linda. At the age of nine I watched my
mother try to kill herself as she picked up sharp pieces of a broken mirror off
the floor and slit her wrist. I watched
her push the glass into her wrist and move it back and forth…I don’t remember
how deep the cuts were or how much blood she lost, or who came to help…my mind
blocked it out…
“My mom was embarrassing to be around. She was irrational and disorderly, and
communication consisted of outbursts of anger, arguing, crying, throwing and
breaking things, even the Walkman I had received as a Christmas present. She crushed my heart and made me feel
hated. She was happy to see me upset,
and never offered an apology. She
destroyed my toys, ripped and cut my dolls apart with scissors. She stole my money in my piggy bank after she
smashed it to the floor. My mother broke
my heart. I just wanted to be loved, to feel secure, to feel wanted…
“How I longed for a kind word. My favorite childhood phrase was, “I’m rubber
and you’re glue; what you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” I was a victim of bullying at school, with no
one to comfort me. I could never relax…”
Wendy’s life is (hopefully) not a picture of the great
majority of families. But I know that
there are many young mothers with some dysfunction who need to be taught how to
love their children or the command to do so wouldn’t be in the Scriptures.
Since I am an older woman
of sixty-seven years, a lover of Jesus and a mother of three and grandmother of
four, I am to teach the younger women. If
I were to mentor a younger woman to love her children, I would want to take the
following steps:
1. Make sure she has
declared Jesus to be the Lord of her life.
2. Pray with her against
trauma suffered in her own life and ask God to set her free and forgive those
who hurt her so she can love and bond with her children. Teach her to pray, and to ask her children
for forgiveness for any wrong treatment they received from her.
3. Teach her not to
place unreasonable demands on her children, but to be gentle with them. “Let your gentleness be evident to all…”
(Philippians 4:5) and “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each
other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
(Ephesians 4:32)
4. Teach her to
encourage the child, give her compliments, and say nice things about her to
others. “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so
that you may know how to answer everyone.”
(Colossians 4:6) Another
scripture I think of is Proverbs 31:26: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and
on her tongue is the law of kindness.”
(NKJ)
5. Teach her not to
let harsh, demeaning talk – cursing, swearing, etc, come out of her mouth – not
to crush her child’s spirit. “Do not let
any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for
building others up according to their needs.”
(Ephesians 4:29)
6. Teach her that no
physical abuse is allowed. “Get rid of
all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of
malice.” (Ephesians 4:31) The command
given to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 is also a command for mothers: “And you,
fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the
training and admonition of the Lord.” (NKJ)
7. Teach her to provide
proper nourishment – learn to cook good meals.
Proverbs 31:15 says, “She gets up while it is still dark, and provides
food for her family.”
8. Teach her ways to
discipline her child with godly instruction and fairness. “Train a child in the way he should go, and
when he is old he will not turn from it.”
(Proverbs 22:6)
9. Teach her to make
time to play with her children. “Each of
you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of
others. Philippians 2:4
10. Teach her to show
affection to her children with hugs, pats on the back, favors granted, and
smiles. “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly [and I would add 'motherly'] love, in honor
preferring one another.” Romans 12:10
(KJV)
Here’s a link for further reading on the subject of mothers
who don’t love their children:
In closing I’m reminded of a poem by William Ross Wallace
and the famous line that reads, “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand
that rules the world.” http://www.potw.org/archive/potw391.html
What an awesome privilege and responsibility we have as
mothers to love our children!
Note: All scriptures are from the NIV unless
otherwise noted.
Copyright © 2013 Elaine
Beachy
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