The Crazy Cycle

No, I’m not talking about PMS.  The “crazy cycle” is a phrase coined by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book and DVD teaching titled Love and Respect, and it happens in many relationships, especially marriage.  Let me explain. 

Men speak, hear, see, and interpret communication through blue megaphones, blue sunglasses, and blue earphones, while women speak, hear, see and interpret through pink.  Not wrong, just different.  For example, when a wife says she has nothing to wear, she means she has nothing new to wear.  When a guy says he has nothing to wear, he means, “I have nothing clean to wear!”  Pink versus blue. 

Everyone needs to feel cared for and valued.  Imagine that each person has a “love tank” with an attached air hose through which to breathe.  If the husband steps on his wife’s “air hose,” she’s not going to suffocate and die.  She yells, “Get off my air hose, you beast!”  And if she steps on his air hose of respect, he’s not going to let her make him wither away.  He’ll shout, “Get off my air hose!”  And a fight ensues.  The question is: will we decode the messages we send one another? 

The wife comes to her husband, lamenting, “I can’t believe I’ve gained all that weight over Thanksgiving and Christmas!  I feel fat and ugly.”   So that week, her husband is in the bookstore and sees the featured book of the week, Shed Those Excess Pounds: Post-Holiday Menus Included, prominently displayed as the special of the month.  He buys it, brings it home for his wife, hands it to her, and she goes ballistic.  He’s confused, because he wanted to help fix the situation.  But through her pink ear phones, his wife hears, “You don’t love me; you don’t accept me unless I look like a Dallas cheerleader!”  And she storms off, yelling at him with less than complimentary words.  Her air hose got crimped.  Dr. Eggerichs says that even through a woman’s anger, if the husband learns to listen carefully, he will hear a faint cry, “Please love me!  Why won’t you love me?”  It’s faint praise, because he matters to her.  Will he learn to decode her?

The next month, the wife is in the bookstore, and she sees a book titled, “Improve Your Relationship,” and she buys it for her husband.  She says to herself, “I know my husband is very busy, so I’ll read it and highlight the important parts for him.  She ends up underlining half the book, then places it on the end table next to his arm chair in the living room.  But he ignores it.  Oh, he knows it’s there.  Inside, he’s fuming: “This is the third marriage book she’s bought in a year.  And it causes huge fights.  If I don’t say anything, I’m in trouble.  If I say something, I’m in bigger trouble.”  So he white-knuckles it and glares at the TV.  Through the marriage book he hears, “I don’t respect you; I don’t approve of you unless you read this book right now!”  She’s crimped his air hose.  Guys seek to do the honorable and respectful thing by avoiding confrontation face to face.  Will the wife learn to decode him? 

Emerson makes the observation that a woman is very sensitive about her body image, while the man can bring out “Atlas” anytime he wants to.  Not wrong, just different.

The woman wants to talk about their relationship to create feelings of intimacy and love, while the man sees it as an attempt to force him to change. 

Couples get on the crazy cycle when, “Without love, she reacts without respect; and without respect, he reacts without love.”  And the crazy cycle starts spinning.  Round and round it goes; where it stops, nobody knows—except the divorce lawyer (unless one of them breaks the cycle). 

The question everyone wants to know is, “Who is to break that crazy cycle?”  Dr. Eggerichs says that after much thought and prayer, the Lord gave him this answer: “The one who sees himself or herself as the most mature.”  Hmm.  How’s that for motivation? 

The goal of Mr. Eggerichs’ Love and Respect teaching is to show couples how to change the crazy cycle, how to get on the energizing cycle, and finally the rewarded cycle.  God created women to need love, and men to need respect.  Not wrong—just different.  

Ephesians 5:33 (NIV) says, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”  God commands the husband to love his wife because it doesn’t come naturally to him.  Likewise, God commands the wife to respect her husband because respect doesn’t come naturally to her.  It’s a decision of the will to obey God’s instructions, and it works!

According to Dr. Eggerichs, our culture has become a feminine, love-focused culture.  Even the greeting card industry proves it: there’s not one card that mentions respect.  Says Emerson, “The Women’s Lib movement sincerely believes men are flawed; their thinking is, ‘If we could just change men and make them more like us, everything would be great.’  These women are good-willed women with good intentions, but they are not Christ-followers.  Even our educational system tries to make boys behave like girls.  If they don’t, we’ll medicate them.”

Dr. James Dobson, when he heard Dr. Eggerichs’ teaching on love and respect, freely admitted and regrets the fact that for years he counseled couples incorrectly.  He always focused on getting the man to love his wife.  Emerson said when God showed him the aspect of respect for the husband, “I finally realized the reason the husband wouldn’t come back for more counseling was because he felt disrespected and blamed for not loving his wife enough.  I had focused on the husband showing love for his wife.  The counseling was all one-sided.  I had done it wrong for years!”    

I recommend Dr. Eggerichs’ materials to every church, to every couple.  My husband and I have led the study three times in small group settings, and it changes all relationships – not just married ones.  One woman told us it even helped her with the boss at work!  His books are available on Amazon and the fourteen-session DVD/workbook sets are sold from his website http://loveandrespect.com/ .  Change the home – change the culture! 

Copyright © 2015 Elaine Beachy