Underage Dating

A culture is created by an atmosphere and a climate.  

How does a culture come to think of underage “dating” as normal behavior for even young school students?  I think a lot of kids associate “dating” with sexual activity: “hooking up” or “getting it on.”  It’s as if our children are being pushed at a younger and younger age to try to deal with emotions and situations they are in no way ready for.

Life for these kids is way too complicated; their emotions and reasoning skills are undeveloped, so they make bad decisions.  They may feel “grown up,” but they certainly aren’t.

Thirteen-year old Ryan and twelve-year-old Sally are on a “date” with their school friends at the theater on a Friday night.  Sitting high up in the dark row at the top, the atmosphere is conducive to some heavy petting.  Hey, their friends around them are into that too, so the climate is one of acceptance—no restraint or guilt or fear of reprisal here.  Because of acceptance, a culture of sexual promiscuity is created.

 Guys brag and compare themselves to other guys as they discuss girls and their own sexual exploits.  Girls feel peer pressure to do certain things to be popular.  These very young “couples” talk about their “relationship,” and if they happen to break up, they say they are “single” again. 

Because of all the social media like Instagram, Facebook, My Space, etc, kids have come to want to know everyone else’s business.  A friend told me her thirteen-year-old granddaughter, whom I’ll call Bryanna, sort of liked a boy (I’ll call Cory) at school.  They would talk and walk around together at school.  One day the kids told Cory to ask Bryanna to “go steady” with him, and he was to tell her to meet in a hallway at a certain time. 

When Bryanna got there to meet him, all the other kids made a circle around the two of them and told him to ask her the question.  To them it was just a game – an event of little consequence.  But Bryanna was terribly embarrassed, and said, “No,” and for a long time after that withdrew and avoided talking to the boy.  The other girls were so mad at her, and said they would take him away from her.  Bryanna faced harassment on Instagram. 

Bryanna was invited to a party one of her school friends was having.  Her mom told her “No,” and Bryanna was very upset.  However, afterwards, another girl who attended the party told Bryanna they played “Seven Minutes in Heaven,” where a boy could take a girl into a private room and for seven minutes do anything he wanted to her.  Really??  I ask: where was the parent in that home?  Unbelievable!

All too often parents think it’s “cute” to see their youngsters “dating” and encourage it.  I even heard one professing Christian dad say about his daughter, “Well, they’re only young once; let them have their fun.”  This in response to the mother who was concerned that their 15-year old daughter was possibly engaging in sexual behavior!  Did he think he was being her friend by not training and teaching her?  Or did he wish to live vicariously through his daughter?

I think it’s fine for young people to be in social outings together such as school or church youth group activities with a chaperon present.  But I believe true serious dating should be reserved for when they are ready to begin looking for a potential marriage partner.

I don’t need to tell you the pain of broken dreams and lives when teen girls (or even pre-teen), left to themselves, end up pregnant, or have an abortion.  I don’t need to tell you the shame felt in a family when a son impregnates a girl out of wedlock.  The spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical consequences are heart-breaking and cause trouble for the whole family and society.  Proverbs 29:15 (NKJ) states, “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”

(I want to add here that if you have been caught in any of these heart-breaking situations, don’t feel condemned.  Rather, be humble, go to God, ask His forgiveness, and He will give you a clean slate.  The blood of Jesus cleans you from all sin.  He can give you a brand new start!  Yes, He will!  If you have never given your life to Jesus, see my July 15, 2013 blog post “SAVED.”)

 Parents, we must be guardrails for our children.  They feel loved and cared for when they have healthy boundaries, when we care enough to talk gently and with respect about sexual matters.  Parents, the most important thing we can do for our children is to have a healthy, personal relationship with Jesus Christ ourselves.  Children live what they learn.  Know God’s Word, and show them what God says about sexuality and their bodies.  (See 2 Timothy 2:22, I Thessalonians 4:4, and I Peter 5:8-9.  Also see my previous post titled “Marriage Matters.”)

In the maze of sexual murkiness, will you please be the light for your kids to follow?  If you’re a grandparent, will you help be their compass, too?  Parents, will you please help your precious children find their way safely through the minefield of sex hormones, drugs, self-esteem issues, peer pressures and a worldly dating culture?  Will you teach them to dress with modesty?  

Dads, this includes boys who wear their pants below the buttocks.  You should know it’s a practice that started in prison among homosexual men.  According to a TV show I saw on this subject, the male who wore his pants in such a way signaled he was the submissive one—if you get my meaning.  The dominant males wore their pants pulled up.  Boys with sagging pants show sagging self-worth and a sagging, shiftless attitude toward life.

Dads, talk to your sons.  Speak with respect and encouragement into their lives.  Show them what it is to be a man of God.  A great book for pre-teen boys is “Lintball Leo’s Not So Silly Questions about Your Body” by Dr. Walt Larimore, MD.  Another good book for teenage boys is “For Young Men Only: A Guy’s Guide to the Alien Gender” by Jeff Feldhahn and Eric Rice.  Pray much for your son.  Pray with him, too.  Let him hear you pray for him: it does something wonderful in his heart.

Moms, here’s a website about modesty for your teenage daughter: www.modestishottest.com.  “The Pink Lid” is a conference in Florida for all girls 12-18, and will be held near the end of September, 2013.   It’s a conference on modesty, sexual purity and more.  The website is www.thepinklid.com.  

Moms, “Gentle Passages” by Robin Jones Gunn is a wonderful book that offers great help as you teach your daughter the facts of life and sexual purity.  When my granddaughter was about ten years old, I bought it and gave it to my daughter for her daughter.  The ceremony of “The Secret of the Fine China Plate” is so tender and touching.  Pray much for your daughter.  Pray with her, too.  Let her hear you say her name in prayer: it does something wonderful in her heart.

I’d like to close this post with this touching poem from the book by Robin Jones Gunn:

      When Hearts Are Young

Come to me when my heart is young

Let tender words roll off your tongue.

Reveal the sweet mysteries one by one

When my heart is young.

Come to me when my ears are small

Before my thoughts have heard it all.

Whisper clearly God’s gentle call

When my ears are small.

Come to me when my eyes are clear

Before my heart has learned to fear.

Show me the beauty in all you hold dear

When my eyes are clear.

Come to me when my frame is straight;

Before my peers don’t hesitate.

Promise me the blessing for those who wait

When my frame is straight.

Come to me and be the one

Who guides me till this journey’s done.

And on the other shore I’ve become

A woman like you

With a heart still young. 

              -- Robin Jones Gunn

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy