Masks

Masks.  Kids wear them at Halloween; adults wear them to costume parties.  Some wear an expressionless mask of rigid emotional control to disguise the heart.

According to Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, the definition of a mask is "a pretense, a disguise, something that serves to conceal something from view; to take part in a masquerade."

There are all kinds of masks.  Some, such as a painter's mask and a gas mask, protect us from harmful substances.  Surgical masks protect against disease, and an oxygen mask is beneficial if needed.  A ski mask protects the skier from harsh wind and cold, and a cosmetic mask nourishes the skin on our faces.

Other masks, such as a costume party mask, theatrical mask, Halloween mask or a witch doctor's mask, is what we usually think of as soon as the word "mask" is mentioned.  Something scary or grotesque to hide behind.

Then there is the "poker face" mask, a mask to hide the truth from others, a face void of expression.  We have internal masks to hide our emotions or beliefs.  Why do we wear emotional masks?  I believe it's because of fear: fear of being ridiculed and rejected, of emotional and psychological damage, or sometimes fear of incurring physical harm, as in abuse situations.

The face says a lot about a person; our feelings and thoughts register on our faces and in our body language. The face reflects the heart.  Do we want to cover our hearts?

How many times have you asked someone, "How are you?" The expected standard answer is "Fine.  How are you?"  And then each moves on.  What if we really stopped and told someone exactly what's going on inside us: our struggles, needs and fears?  Would we truly want to hear it?  Would it be refreshing?  Would we feel overwhelmed, ill-equipped to know what to say?  Would the person who asked you the question keep right on walking without waiting for an answer?  Would you do the same?  We are such creatures of habit, and I'd like for us to think about that.  To develop an attitude of caring and genuine love for others.

Among our family and friends and in our church circles, too many of us "put on a front," and hide our true feelings and beliefs, afraid to truly let anyone inside.  It's like we close a door to any perceived threat.  And sometimes with good reason.  If we have been hurt and "stung" before, we are cautious and tentative.  The result is that we close ourselves off from people and are crippled in our friendships.  Or people may perceive us as not genuine, of having a hidden agenda.  And we create inner tension for ourselves as we hold in our feelings.  Inner tension and stress can cause sickness and disease.

It takes a conscious effort to allow oneself to trust again.  But the benefits of allowing others to see the real "us" is that others will trust us to be honest and genuine. We'll also feel better physically and emotionally.

The flip side of the coin is this: emotional masks are not always bad.  Wearing an emotional mask can protect us from inappropriate expressions of shock, disappointment, laughter or anger.  I think of how a psychologist or counselor or pastor may have to wear a "poker face" mask to avoid alienating the person he's trying to help.

I'm currently reading a book titled "Dreams and Visions: Is Jesus Awakening the Muslim World?" by Tom Doyle with Greg Webster.  A "poker face" mask and careful answers can save the life of a Muslim who's converted to Christianity.  And there are many.

We in the free world have no idea what goes on in those countries unless we read a book like the one I'm reading.  We take our freedoms for granted.  And really, compared to what our Christian brothers and sisters have to endure in Muslim countries, we owe it to ourselves to get rid of our thin skin and fear of being judged by others.  We owe it to ourselves and others to take off our masks of fear and rigid control and let freedom, honesty and love shine out from us to others.  Let's be bold to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with our neighbors and in the marketplace.  Let's speak the truth in love, as Jesus taught.  Let's unmask and open our hearts.  Scary?  Perhaps.  But remember Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me."

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

What Would Jesus Do?

If you were the one who did the abuse or bullying, I have good news for you!  There is forgiveness, hope and peace offered by Jesus in His completed work on the cross for all our sins.  "As it is written, there is none righteous, no not one. . . for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God; being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus."  Romans 3: 10 and 23 (KJV)

The ground is level at the foot of the cross of Jesus, the only Perfect One who ever lived on the earth.  He took upon Himself the full punishment of God's anger against sin, and paid your and my debt.  Let me assure you, if you have asked Jesus to be your Savior and trusted in what He did to make you righteous, you are totally forgiven, made clean through Jesus' blood.  God declares you righteous: believe it.  He loves you, and that's why He sent Jesus to pay the debt of sin we could never pay ourselves.  Jesus says the same words to you as He spoke to the woman caught in adultery: "go and sin no more."  If you think about the goodness of God's grace toward you and the forgiveness you have received, you will have the power to stop the abusive behavior because you will not want to act that way anymore.

If you have been the victim of child abuse or bullying, I want to help you be free from it's painful effects in your soul.  First of all, look to God's Word for your help and truth.  To be free from the prison bars of hate that hold you captive because of mistreatment, you must first of all forgive your abuser or bully.  Easier said than done, I agree.  But if you let anger and hatred control you because of what someone did against you, you are still giving that person power over your life!  The only way out is to forgive them with the help of Jesus.

A simple prayer from your heart will be heard by God: "Lord Jesus, I choose to forgive the one who abused / bullied me.  I ask you to bless __________ with your truth and righteousness."  Even if feelings of hate or hurt still want to surface, choose to declare, "I forgive you, __________, for what you did.  Bless them, and heal me, Lord Jesus."  Repeat as  needed.  The gospel is the power of God unto salvation to all who believe! God wants to save and heal them as well as you.  I know it will take humbling yourself to pray this prayer for them.  That's what God calls "dying to the flesh."  Humbling ourselves to the truth of God's Word.  God will help you.

Many of us know Joyce Meyer and her story of sexual, verbal and physical abuse she endured at the hands of her father for many years as she was growing up.  Her mother knew, but did nothing to stop it.  Can you imagine the betrayal, hatred and anger Joyce must have felt in her home situation?  To make a long story short, the Lord helped her forgive her father bit by bit, and one day he received Jesus as His Lord and Savior under Joyce's ministry, and she baptized him herself!  Now, that's the power of God!  (If you don't know Joyce, she's a minister and international speaker at conferences everywhere, and God is using her mightily!)  I recommend getting her book "Beauty For Ashes" to read her story and how she overcame with God's help.  The book is also a teaching book to help you receive healing and walk in wholeness.

If you are currently in an abusive situation where your life or mental health is in danger, you must separate yourself from the perpetrator and go to a safe place.  Contact your pastor or a trusted leader for help, (provided they are not the ones doing the abusing!)  If a child's life is in danger, s/he must be put in a safe place also.  If there is no one in your church who can immediately take in the child or adult in danger, you must contact social services in your area.  Don't let the abuse continue: you are responsible if you know and do nothing.

To the rest of us I ask: if we know an abuser or bully, would we have the courage and spiritual grace to ask the Holy Spirit what we can do to help that person become a new person in Christ Jesus?  What can we do to help the perpetrator stop his evil actions?  What would Jesus do?  The only answer is in that person becoming a new creation in Christ Jesus where he humbles himself to the truth of the gospel.  For sure, the first step is to pray earnestly for that person before even going to see him.  We are our brother's keeper.

One can see how much Jesus loves the little children as we read the gospels.  He was known to take them up in His arms and bless them when others thought they were a nuisance and a bother, "time-wasters."  (See Mark 10:13-16)

Matthew 18:10 & 14-17 is a passage of Scripture that I believe can be applied to child abuse or bullying.  Jesus was talking about little children and someone hurting them.  "Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.  For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost. . . "Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.  Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.  And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."

Let all that we do be out of love, with hearts broken by the Holy Spirit to see the needs on both sides of the painful subjects of child abuse and bullying.  God bless you, dear reader.  Let's work the field of souls together!

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is unwanted, ongoing aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance.

Bullying is all about controlling, belittling, destroying a person's self-worth, and shredding someone else's reputation.  A person who bullies wants to bring someone down in order to lift themselves up.  Think about it. What's the root?  Pride.  The exaltation of self over others.  God's Word speaks to this: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."  Philippians 2:3 (NIV)  Isn't that what caused Satan's expulsion from heaven?  You bet it is.  He said "I will exalt myself above the Most High; I will ascend to His throne."  He wanted to be in control; but God threw him out of Heaven.  He has come down to us in fury; now he tries to control us and rule over us.  He is building up his own kingdom, an "in Your face" tactic against God.  He is walking to and fro throughout the earth, sowing his diabolical seeds of pride wherever he finds fertile ground for it.

Fertile ground for the seeds of bullying and control is that dark place in a person's heart that hides sin and the struggles with shame.  Taking offense and refusing to forgive is extremely fertile ground for Satan.  Bullying is the devil's work.  Don't let Satan rule over you.  Expose your sin, failures, and shame to the light of Jesus' gospel of truth and let Him change you.  Forgive quickly.

What are some signs your child may be a victim of bullying?  Here is a website with some good info: http://extension.unh.edu/Family/Parent/teenpubs/bully.pdf  I'll list some signs of victimization here:

• Fakes an illness or runs away from school
• Tearful at the thought of going to school; has stomach aches
• Grades drop
• Loses self-confidence
• Gets angry when asked about what's going on in his life
• Has unexplained injuries, bruise marks, torn clothing
• Has nightmares
• Begins wetting the bed
• Shows sadness/depression, or talks of suicide
• Has angry outbursts
• Withdraws
• Loses possessions: toys, jacket, sneakers stolen
• Needs extra money because s/he was robbed
• Extra-hungry after school because his lunch or lunch money was stolen

Bullies look for kids who are smaller, get upset or cry easily, who are unpopular at school, have social issues and struggle with shyness and anyone who is different in looks or weight.  I read that some parents are even letting their children undergo plastic surgery to change the shapes of their noses, ears, etc. to avoid being harassed.  This is ridiculous, and bullying must stop!

Bullying takes different forms:

• Verbal:  teasing, name-calling, taunting, inappropriate sexual comments, and threatening to cause harm.
• Social:  hurting someone's reputation or relationships, telling other kids to join in the harassment, spreading rumors and lies, and embarrassing someone in public.
• Physical:  hitting, kicking, pinching, spitting, tripping, pushing, taking or breaking someone's things, and making mean or rude hand gestures.

 Bullies view violence as an okay way to interact with other children.  I wonder what they're learning at home.  How do these family members relate to one another?  Can you see where I'm going with this?

According to the NEA (National Education Association), 160,000 students miss school every day for fear of attack and intimidation by other students.  71% of students report that incidents of bullying are a problem at school.  Those in lower grades reported being in twice as many fights as those in higher grades.  However, there is a higher rate of serious violent crimes in middle school and high school.  Statistics are high that kids who are bullied by peers carry out lethal violence, and will have a prison record by their mid-twenties.  The motive is always revenge.

Revenge.  Now there's something to think about.  We must turn to the Word of God for answers.  Here are some pertinent verses from Romans chapter 12: verse 14, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."  Verse 17, "Do not repay anyone evil for evil," and verse 21, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."  Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

I think every school should have this Scripture verse from Luke 6:31 displayed in every hallway:  "Do to others as you would have them do to you."  Could I dare hope this dream will become a reality?

Ever since the Federal Government banned God from our schools, we've had this dramatic increase of violence, bullying and a drug problem in our land.  And honestly, shouldn't Luke 6:31 be on a wall in a prominent place in our own homes?  Let's start there.

I have a great idea!  There's a company called "Simply Said" that will make any wall saying you want, and you transfer the self-stick lettering to your wall.  Go to the website www.mysimplysaiddesigns.com/melanie and contact Melanie.  Or contact her by phone at 540-305-4252.  You can choose your own lettering style and color for your wall.  Tell her you want the words of Luke 6:31 made into a saying for your wall, and it can be shipped right to your home anywhere in the United States.  (You may also want to order one for your office work space.)

I have a passion to reach kids and their parents at the home level, because the home is the nucleus of our society.  As the home, so the nation!  And really, if parents would have the Word of God at the center of their home, and teach their children to live for God, we wouldn't have the bullying problems we do.

Teachers are not responsible to raise your children -- you are!  Dads and Moms: Man Up!  Take charge of your child's moral compass.  Don't hand it to the school teacher!

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

What To Do When Bullied

A blog reader I'll call Phyllis* has a close friend, Morgan* with a daughter named Kaylee.*  Morgan unburdened herself to Phyllis about the bullying her daughter endures at school and in the neighborhood.  Phyllis writes:

"I just got finished reading your blog on bullying and it's very good.  My close friend Morgan told me that two girls in her daughter's school, one of whom used to be a good friend and a Christian, are relentless in bullying Kaylee and are trying to get other students to gang up on her too.  The worst thing about it is that the moms appear to be promoting, instead of stopping, these verbal attacks!  Morgan would not tell me all that they are saying. When Kaylee first told her mom about the bullying, Morgan was so hurt and angry, she lost her temper in front of Kaylee and had to apologize later.

"Morgan told me it's so hard to love others and not take offense.  Her philosophy has always been to let the kids work things out and not interfere every step of the way.  I know the mother of the one bully, Kate,* hits her in the face, and was told by her mom that she'll probably get pregnant in High School.  She did.

"The mother of Vanessa,* another of the girls who bullies Kaylee, was someone Morgan thought was going to be a her friend in the Lord, but it has not turned out that way.   Morgan told me that the mothers of these two girls who bully know that she had Kaylee out of wedlock (although Morgan is married now.)  We've talked about it a number of times and realize some of the chief stone throwers could have had an abortion or sex before marriage, but no baby.

"They don't know what all Morgan has gone through.  Her daughter Kaylee is quite developed physically and the girl bullies, Kate and Vanessa, are always commenting on that and how she looks in her clothes.  Kaylee seems to have a number of friends, and was on the basketball team this fall.  Morgan seems to think that was also a source of jealousy on the part of Kate and Vanessa.  These two girls are right in the neighborhood.  They are very two-faced: one minute they are praising Kaylee, and the next minute they are against her.

"There is a lot of relying on "things" in their neighborhood to keep people happy: pools, cars, clothes, etc.  I always pray when I drive through there that God would pour forth His Spirit onto the families there."

Here are my comments.  I am appalled that professing Christian women can behave this way and feed the fires of bullying.  How the body of Christ needs a revelation of the grace of God toward us, realize we're forgiven, mind our own business and cut others a lot of slack!  Somebody say Amen!

What can a child do when faced with bullying?  I sent Phyllis the link to a helpful website:  
http://extension.unh.edu/Family/Parent/teenpubs/bully.pdf  I'll recap some of the ideas here along with some of my own:

• Sit near the bus driver
• Be unpredictable: go to your locker at different times during the day.  Take a different route to or from school or leave at different times.  Even 5 minutes makes a difference.
• Walk with a friend or group of friends 
• Stay calm and don't react with violence
• Maintain eye contact with the bully.  Don't look down or try to walk away.
• Say, "Stop picking on me.  I won't be your target." 
• Say something unexpected like "I guess I'll have to live with being stupid.  But wow, you're one of the smart people in the world!  Good for you!"
• For a Christian who is bullied, I would suggest s/he look at the bully and confidently say, "I'm so glad Jesus approves of me.  I don't need your approval."  It will be good for the one being bullied to hear herself say something positive about herself out loud and build social self-confidence.
• Get a book on setting healthy boundaries and learn how and when to say "No" and stand up for yourself.  Educate yourself.
• Join a club or youth group, friends you enjoy spending time with.
• Pray for the bully.  (In private)

I really believe in the power of our Heavenly Father to intervene and change these bullies.  God is all about saving and restoring.  Luke 6:27-28 (KJV) says "Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."   Jesus also said "But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly."  Matthew 6:6 (NKJ)

In the case of Kate and Vanessa, one would pray, "Jesus, I bless Kate and Vanessa in Your Name because you told me to. Amen."  

I wish I'd remember where I read the account of a young student whose teacher, repeatedly, was unmerciful to him and embarrassed him in front of the whole class on purpose. She was bullying her student.  This boy's mother told him to begin blessing his teacher with prayer every day.  After a few weeks of this, the teacher was totally changed and thereafter spoke well of him even to the class!

My prayer for Kaylee is that she (and her mother Morgan) will have the spiritual strength to do the difficult thing, take on this bullying situation as Jesus would do, and bless these two bullies.  Let's watch to see what God will do!

Thank you, Phyllis, for writing!  Your friend is blessed to have you in her corner!

If you'd like to write me, my e-mail is elainesplace4@verizon.net.

*Names have been changed to protect identity.

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

Bullying

October is Bullying Prevention Awareness month.  In my research on child abuse, I found a direct connection between kids who were abused and bullying.  Particularly at school, but also in neighborhoods.

Parents who don't give their kids emotional warmth and nurture or who mete out harsh physical punishment produce bullies.  Kids tend to give out what they get at home, and retaliate on others with the anger and violence they feel within themselves for the treatment they receive, either from their parents or an older sibling.  Too many children also witness abusive treatment of one parent against the other, and feel powerless to intervene.  This devastates the child and family unit. The child may lash out at others in school to release his pent-up anger he wishes he could release on the abusing parent.

I was surprised to learn that overly-permissive parents who don't give their child healthy boundaries, or don't supervise their children, also produce bullies.   I believe these children are wanting their parents to care enough to set good boundaries on their activities and behavior; they want to feel cared for.  If there are no boundaries, the child feels he is not worth a parents' love and notice.  Violence can be the result of his feeling emotionally abandoned.

Another factor that causes bullying is the violent TV shows, movies, and video games that our kids are allowed to indulge in.  Is it any wonder that children tend to act out what they see in these venues?

Bullying in schools is a huge problem in our nation.  In my research on bullying, students reported that teachers and staff don't address bullying in the classroom, and there's little student supervision in the lunchroom, at bathroom breaks, and recess.  One middle-school student I talked to said bullying in her school is a big problem; girls gossip with judgmental attitudes and bad language about another girl's appearance.  If you don't wear a certain brand of clothes or shoes, you are ridiculed and minimized.  There's a lot of "girl drama," a "king of the hill," and a "who's who" kind of hierarchy.  This student also told me she felt bullied by a teacher who ridiculed and censored her in front of her classmates for giving a report that didn't agree with the teacher's political point of view.  She told me teachers definitely push  their own politically-correct ideas and want to force the kids to fit her mold.

Our children must be taught to look for God's approval, not their peers.

And I would add here that in our current culture where homosexuality is in vogue in our schools, that parents must teach their children to stand against being indoctrinated that it's "okay."  Additionally, we must teach our young people not to say derogatory things against students who say they are "gay," but rather teach our kids to show kindness and respect to everyone, and pray for those who are drawn into the sin of homosexuality.

How do we begin to solve the bullying problem?  The answer begins in each person, each parent, having a love relationship with the Lord Jesus.  Acknowledge our own wrong-doing and rebellion before God and ask to receive forgiveness of our own sin.  Ask Jesus to be the Pilot of our life and baptize us in the Holy Spirit.  Find a good church that upholds God's Word as final authority on any subject, read the Bible for ourselves and talk to our Pilot about everything that concerns us.  Only when we realize how much we have been forgiven by God, can we give out that love to our families.

We are not fit to be in authority unless we are under God's authority!

We as parents will do well to heed the instruction of our Creator in teaching and training our children.  We are responsible to lead them to the Word of God for answers, so when they are on their own they will know how to behave and choose wisely for themselves.  We need to teach them that God is our final authority on everything.  It's not enough to shout, "Because "I said so!"  Maintain a respect for the Word of God; don't rationalize or compromise or deviate from what is right.  Parents must teach their children to have a Compass that points True North; the Compass that will never lead them astray.

Proverbs 4:20-27 reads, "My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.  Do not let them out of your sight, keep them withing your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body.  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.  Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.  Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.  Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that re firm.  Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil."

This gives children a solid foundation for all of life; they will feel loved and cared for as they see you, the parent, live out your life by the same standard you hold out to them.  And it takes diligence and faithfulness.  I think of the Scripture in Galatians 6:9 (NIV) "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  That good harvest will be healthy, happy children who will bless society and help change American culture in a godly way.

To combat bullying, after the personal foundation is right, parents need to be taught to have good parenting skills:

• Know your role as a parent 
• Don't expect too much of young children
• Understand the developmental stages of children
• Understand their needs -- listen with your heart
• Don't see punishment as a way of training your child.  This will result in a child having a poor self-image, feeling s/he can never please you.  Discipline is different than punishment.  Discipline takes godly effort to show them why their behavior was wrong.  Punishment is "getting even," lashing out in anger because your child may have embarrassed or inconvenienced you.  

What should you do when your child comes to you with a bullying complaint?   Here are some suggestions:

• Ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"
• Avoid "knee-jerk" reactions, such as lashing out verbally in anger at the one who hurt your child.  You may upset your child by such a reaction, which may cause him to want to protect you and himself by not telling you any more or by denying it.
• Approach the situation in a calm, respectful way that acknowledges and respects your child's story and feelings.
• Get your facts straight.
• Ask questions of others.
• Be your child's advocate, but ask if he/she maybe could have responded better in the situation.  Together, think of ways s/he could respond.  
• Pray together for the one who did the bullying.
• Teach her to have good boundaries and self-protection

I extracted some helpful information from the following website: http://www.kidpower.org/library/article/bullying-facts/

So much more could be written about child abuse and bullying, but my prayer is that the book I've written (and the two to follow) will help stop child abuse and bullying in our society by modeling a happy, godly home.  My first book for children is titled Biff and Becka's Springtime Adventures.  Godly attitudes for relationships and parenting are interwoven amid the young characters' antics and experiences.  Intended to be read to kids ages 4 - 8, older children (and parents) love it too.  My website is www.elaineandfriends.com, where you may order from my publisher or Amazon and Barnes & Noble.  The E-books version is also available, Digital Rights Management-free only through my publisher.

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

Causes of Child Abuse

We could talk about abuse of animals and pets.  We could talk about churches whose members are emotionally and spiritually (and sometimes even sexually) abused by the pastor or others in authority.  School teachers who abuse students.  Oppressive regimes, government abuse of power and lawlessness abound in our world. Selfishness, the desire to control, is everywhere.  And selfishness always hurts someone.

But for the purpose of our discussion on abuse, I'll limit my topic to the family unit.

Here are some reasons I believe parents abuse their children:

• poor parenting skills
• were themselves abused as children
• financial tensions
• child care overload
• alcohol or drug problems, or other addictions such as gambling
• poor self-image

At the core of any kind of abuse is the urge to control someone or something.  Sometimes that urge to control shows itself as unholy anger that inflicts pain on someone else, manipulation such as pouting, withholding love and provision, etc.

Children also learn to abuse others as a result of the treatment they receive from their parents, or perhaps an older sibling, or another family member.  Physical or sexual abuse is not always done by the parent(s).  

Anger that leads to child abuse is heightened when a person is too tired, too sleepy or too hungry.  Actually, any number of life's irritants and stresses encourage out-of-control anger.  I know well from personal experience how being over-tired and frustrated can make you feel like losing control.

Our first child, a son, born two months prematurely, had to be away from us in a hospital for a month.  When  he finally came home, I was scared to care for a preemie, as I'd never had experience with that.  Other than the time he almost choked to death on vitamin drops, all went well.

Twenty months later, my baby daughter was born, healthy and well.  For the first three months, for some reason, she cried every night.  One night she wouldn't stop crying.  Seems I had tried everything I could think of to comfort her.  I had pleurisy from getting too cold at night when I got up to feed her, and I was tired.  Her crib was in our bedroom in our mobile home, and my frayed nerves were on edge as she just cried and cried.  I didn't know what to do.  I just wanted to get some sleep, and as the anger at her crying and my helplessness mounted, I suddenly had an urge to pick her up and throw her into a corner of the bedroom.  I remember how shocked and horrified I was at my feelings.  How could the thought of hurting my baby girl even cross my mind? If I had not been a Christian, who knows what I may have done?  I thank God for His power in me that kept me from hurting her in any way.

(As I recall, I finally put a few drops of the McNess company's Aromatic Compound (intended for adults) into an ounce of warm water and gave her that.  It settled her stomach.)

Parenting is a rewarding, but a demanding and often difficult task. One way we can help prevent child abuse is to offer a new mom some time away from the house.  Babysit for her one afternoon a week, or give the young parents an evening out together.  Be a friend; take in a meal, offer to clean her house, do laundry, or whatever would be appreciated by her.  Be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.  Be real.


I told you the above story to say that I too am human.  We have all at times probably been harsh with our children, punished them too severely, did and said things that hurt them deeply.  We ourselves have likely been the recipients of the same.  The truth is, every family on earth is broken in some way or another.  We all need Jesus to make us whole.

If you are a parent or caregiver who has abused your or someone else's child, please know that there is forgiveness and healing through Jesus.  I don't condemn you; I want you to be whole.  Humble yourself and make amends with those you hurt if they are still alive.  If you have not given your life to Jesus and have a relationship with Him, ask Him to forgive you of your sins and make your spirit alive to God.  He will answer your prayer and come live inside your spirit; He will make you a new person!  When you experience God's grace and forgiveness for you, then you can give it to others.  We all need God's eternal life.

God bless you, dear reader!  If you'd like to e-mail me, contact me at elaine@elaineandfriends.com or elainesplace4@verizon.net.

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

Child Abuse: Part Two

We make a big deal in this country about child hunger:  feeding programs in schools and homeless shelters in neighborhoods.  And rightly so.  But what about the kids who are starved for love?  Does anyone know they are starving emotionally?  From what I've observed, too many parents have lost "natural affection" for their kids.  They are treated as objects to push, shove, hurry along; a bother and a chore.  School teachers are not allowed to put an arm around the shoulder of a student anymore because of fear of sexual harassment charges.  What has happened to nurture in our society? 

I submit that a lot of sexual abuse and violent acts are done by children and adults who grew up severely deprived and stunted in their quest and need for love.  God’s love.  They try to find it in all the wrong places; girls and boys become promiscuous and have perverted behavior because they ache for someone to truly love them – to validate them.  

(Speaking of natural affection lost, homosexuality is now accepted pretty much as the norm in high schools because our culture has tolerated the behavior.  I think father-son and mother-daughter relationships are not what they should be.  The home is not right; thoughts are not right.  If we do not think it worthwhile to stick with God's Word, disaster awaits.  Psalm 12:8 says, "The wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men." (NIV)  Our culture [and sadly, far too many churches] do not have respect for God's Word and pretty much do and think as they please -- with devastating results.) 

Bullying is a big problem in our schools.  Children and teens bully others, often because of the abuse they experience at home.  Bullying gives them a sense of power and control, of "fighting back" for how they are treated at home.  These families and children don't know what real love is or how to show it properly.  And if these children don’t go to church or have good teaching at home, how are they to learn what real love is?  They grow up stunted in their spiritual, emotional, and sometimes even physical, growth.  If the parents of those kids came from abusive families, how will the cycle ever end?   

I believe this is true of Christian families as well.  Just because a person realizes his sin and need of God, and asks Jesus to be his Savior, doesn't mean all negative behavior changes automatically.  One's heart must be open to receive the love of God and realize how much he was forgiven by God.  He must experience God's grace before he can give it to others.  He has to renew his mind to God's way of thinking (Romans 12:2).  He needs to be discipled, to be taught.  Jesus told us in the great commission, "Go and make disciples of all people." (Matthew 28:19) 

This is what I do in my books.  As my rabbit character Biff and his family in my book(s) go through life, I apply God's Word to every situation and teach godly principles.  Our kids and parents need godly teaching -- good modeling.  Fairy tales and Harry Potter won't do.  

Having spiritually healthy parents will prevent stop them from abusing their children.  I believe the way I can help is to write books for children (that parents will read to their younger ones) that model a godly home.  To talk plainly about Jesus and His power that changes us when we put our faith in Him for salvation.  Yes, I talk about what salvation means in my books; I talk about wrongdoing and sin (even though other writers told me I shouldn't do that because it will "narrow my reading base."  In other words -- fewer sales.  But I had to obey God as He led me.)  Beginning with Jesus and His wisdom is where transformation starts.  I want to help parents behave like mature adults in their parenting.  Give sound instruction from God's Word to children.  Without respect for God's Word and knowing what God says about any subject, there is no true wisdom.  "The fear (deep reverence) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Psalm 111:10 (NIV)

A few weeks ago I gave a number of my books to our church to use as they teach ESL classes in a poor neighborhood in Manassas.  I believe my book will be a good influence in that neighborhood.  If you know of families in your neighborhood or church who struggle with parenting, or a child who needs to see a model of a godly home, ask the Lord whether you should buy some of my books to give them.  You may save a family from being split, save children from being torn from their home and made a ward of the state.  

Order my book from my website at www.elaineandfriends.com and let your friends know how they can make a difference in this way too.  On behalf of hurting families, I thank you!

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy

Child Abuse: Part One

How many innocent children live in fear and turmoil of mistreatment, threats, unjust punishment, and even worse -- sexual abuse?  My heart breaks for these children.  Proverbs 31: 8-9 (NIV) says, "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of the destitute.  Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."

Who will speak up for them?  Who will defend them?  Who will help the parents who do the abusing to change?  When it comes to child abuse, it's very distressing to know that Christians and church members are not guiltless either.  Why?  These are questions I ask myself.  The need seems so overwhelming.  What can one person do?  What can I do?  What would Jesus do?

You may ask, "Why are you talking about child abuse, Elaine?"  Let me give you some background.

Last Wednesday my friend Becky and I sat at my kitchen table catching up on our friendship, and she asked me, "Why are you writing books for children?"  I replied what I had always said, that I wanted to give kids the truth, wholesome fun, and educational reading.  Something other than fairy tales.  Something that will impact their lives as they grow up."

Then suddenly, I paused.  I felt surprise at what I said next. "You know, I think down deep the reason is because of something I witnessed years ago.  To the best of my recollection, the year was 1990.  One day as I got out of my car at a grocery store, I saw a father use his fists to hit his son again and again over the head and shoulders, all the while shouting derogatory words at him that he was stupid, no good, worthless.  The boy looked to be about 12 or 13, was thin, and slightly deformed, as though his body reflected years of this kind of treatment.  His head and shoulders slumped as he tried in vain to deflect the blows.  The father continued to berate and pummel him as the boy stumbled into the store.

"I felt sick to my stomach.  I wanted to run up and tell that guy to stop it!  I wanted to put my arms around the young boy and tell him he's valued and loved.  How my heart ached for him as I longed to comfort him, tell him that not all parents are like that.  But I felt paralyzed -- not sure what to do.  Uncertainty held me back, and I felt angry, helpless and ashamed that I didn't do something.

"What could I do about child abuse?  Instead of wishing Hollywood or somebody else would do something, I thought to myself, "Elaine, you do something!  Don't curse the darkness -- light a candle!"  I thought maybe I could write something -- perhaps get an article or story published in a magazine.

"I was attracted to an offer I got in the mail from The Institute of Children's Literature shortly after that; I enrolled in their Special Publishing Course and received my diploma from them in 1992.  I tried to enter the magazine market, but with little success.  Life got busy -- grandkids came -- and years passed.  I tucked a story or two away that I wrote for my grandchildren.

"Then in November of 2010 when I gave a copy of my story to my friend Jane for her grandkids, she said I have to write more than just one chapter.  Thus, "Biff and Becka's Springtime Adventures" was born; my first book was released June 4, 2012."

So now you know.  Now I have my "Why."  Becky's question crystallized my focus: I want to help prevent child abuse.  I now see how that undercurrent throughout my first book while aware of the internal force that drove me to write as I did.  I wanted to model a godly home.  I talk about spanking and godly parental training.  I show how a parents' words affect their children, how Biff felt when parents yelled at their kids while playing at his friends' homes, how he struggled to tell the truth if it got Alice in trouble, etc.  I model a godly home for kids to read about, along with the educational, fun and adventure aspects of the book.  I put chapter questions at the end of the book to encourage discussion between parent and child.  I envision my book(s) will help parents and children.

One godly lady wrote me an e-mail this past Sunday and told me she was a victim of child abuse, and said that as a child she read good books that modeled a happy home.  Those books gave her hope as she saw how a happy family ought to be, and she determined to have one someday.  I never even considered that a book would make a difference in the life of an abused child.  I'm so glad it did.  Books are powerful tools God can use to help someone who's hurting.

I asked this lady if she'd give me permission to tell her story if I didn't use her real name, and she replied she'd be honored to have her story told.  I plan to share her story on this blog before long.  I believe it can be healing to write your story and have it told.

If you are such a person, dear reader, you may write me at 8908 Weems Road, Manassas, VA 20110.  I don't need to know your real name, but I can write your story on my blog to let your voice be heard.  If you'd rather e-mail me, write me at elaine@elaineandfriends.com.

If you'd like to order a book for a family you think would benefit from it, go to my website at www.elaineandfriends.com.  God bless and keep you.

Copyright © 2012 Elaine Beachy