Loneliness

Several years ago my mom and I visited a facility that housed elderly residents.  I remember the smells, the lonely looks in the eyes of those with nothing to do, sitting in wheel chairs parked along the side of hallways.  A few reached out a feeble hand as if to ask for help or to feel someone's touch.  Most of them looked at us with dull eyes that spoke of resignation and hopelessness—and utter loneliness. 

There are also lots of people walking the streets, in the workplace, sitting in our churches, shopping in grocery stores, or sitting around a family table who feel the painful devastation of loneliness.  Sometimes those who seem to be the “life of the party” in a crowd or who are the “social butterfly,” are the loneliest of all when they slip between the sheets at night.  Alone, and forgotten.

Lucy struggles with loneliness.  She and her husband live in a gorgeous home, and as the CEO of his own company he makes a great income. Work keeps him occupied seven days a week while Lucy tries to fill her lonely days with shopping, watching TV, or sometimes going out with friends or to a Bible study.  When she comes home from church, she eats alone either at home or in a restaurant because Brandon is engrossed in his work or busy watching television. 

Paula’s husband comes home from work, eats dinner then flops in his easy chair where he falls asleep watching TV.  She and Rob don’t really have any friends, and they never go out.  So she tries to find solace in reading myriads of books and taking online courses to pass the lonely evening hours.  Her heart feels withered and dry from the barren, heart-wrenching loneliness she feels.  Day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year passes with no change. 

Gary feels lonely when his wife, Susan, expects him to get his own dinner, then chooses to spend evenings at the computer or go out bowling with her friends instead of taking some time to sit with him while he watches a football game or TV show he likes.  He feels lonely when she criticizes and disrespects him, especially in front of others.

Dan says ever since the baby came, Nancy has no time for him.  She’s always giving attention to the baby, and expects him to do his share of feeding, diapering and laundry as well, which he is glad to do.  But Nancy seems to only be tuned to the baby’s needs and forgets about his need for companionship and romance.  Dan feels lonely.

Children can be lonely too.  How many kids feel rejected and unloved, unnoticed by their parents?  Could it be that the bullies in our schools are products of homes where they are unnoticed, unappreciated, and taken for granted?  If they feel isolated and not socially connected in school, kids tend to drop out of school.  Too often they begin a life of delinquency and other antisocial behavior.  Could it be that these are the children who grow up to become a burden to society and our already burgeoning prisons? 

As I watched the heart-breaking news of the shootings at the Navy Yard in D.C. this week, I had to wonder what kind of home life Aaron Alexis had as a child.  Did he have a father who engaged him in healthy dialogue, affirmed him as a person and showed him unconditional love?  What kind of mother did he have?  Did he feel valued by his parents? Was he taught that God loved him and had a good plan for his life because of Jesus?

Mother Teresa is quoted as saying, “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”  She spent her life rescuing unwanted children from the streets of Calcutta.

I remember reading about a horrible social experiment years ago (I think it was in Russia) where some orphaned babies were put in a group and only fed and changed; there was to be no social interaction, no eye contact or physical touch beyond absolute necessity whatsoever from the caregiver.  The babies were in excellent health, but over half had died before six months lapsed.  When the baby’s attempts to gain eye contact and response from the caregiver by its verbal gurgles and coos failed, all movement ceased.  When the baby was unable to gain any empathy, he gave up and died.  My heart feels sick when I recall this terrible tragedy. 

I’ve read somewhere that even babies in the womb who are unwanted during pregnancy are affected by the thoughts of the mother, and may experience depression, loneliness, or other maladjustment's later on in life.  There are plenty of websites with information that confirm what I read.  Positive thoughts (and words) may be the most important health tip for any expectant mother.

Indeed, the feeling of being unwanted has to be the most terrible emotional and mental poverty that leaves the wounded looking for love in all the wrong places.  Family relationships that are broken and dysfunctional leave children feeling abandoned and empty because they feel “invisible” and unloved.        

Sometimes children go through periods of loneliness when they feel they have no one to play with and feel excluded from others, especially if the family moves to a new area and school district.  Or they may feel lonely when they lose a pet or special possession, and most definitely when they lose a friend, parent or grandparent. 

It’s imperative that we parents keep open hearts, eyes, and ears to the facial expressions, words and behavior of our children.  Don’t let the pressures of life make you see your children as a bother rather than a blessing.  Your child will surely pick up on your attitude, and he will feel distanced from you.  How can he feel free to talk to you if he feels he’s just in your way and you have no time for him? You may provide the best clothes, food, and shelter money can buy, but if your child doesn’t feel valued or cherished, it means little to him.  What he wants and needs are understanding and acceptance, a loving touch and words spoken with kindness and reassurance that help him flourish.  

We all have a fundamental need for friends, close relationships and inclusion in a group.  Without that need filled, people can fall apart mentally and physically.  I love the Father’s heart shown in Psalm 68:5-6: “A father to the fatherless, defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families; He leads forth the prisoners with singing…”

People are the most valuable and important thing on this earth.  If you sense someone is withdrawn or lonely, have the love and courage to ask them if they’re okay.  Look to the interests of others and bear their burdens.  Scriptures I think of are Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ,” and Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Someone needs to care!  You never know what a phone call, a kind smile, a cheerful conversation, or a light touch on an arm or shoulder can do for someone.

God doesn’t want anyone to feel lonely, desolate, or aching inside.  Jesus died and rose from death as us, taking our place. “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement needful to obtain peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes that wounded Him we are healed and made whole.” (Isaiah 53:5, Amplified Bible)

Jesus is our best Friend Who sticks closer than a brother.  And we need to be “Jesus with skin on” to others, too.

God bless you with good friends, dear Reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

                      

Little Foxes

A Simply Said wall application above the door to our bedroom

Divorce is devastating to adults, but especially so to children.  It brings intense feelings of anger, rejection, resentment, retaliation, hopelessness, guilt and shame.  The wounds are very deep, devastating and difficult to heal.  Two people who were joined together at the deepest soul level are being torn apart, and the pieces are not pretty. 

Little foxes spoil the vine, as King Solomon said in Song of Solomon 2:15.  Divorce doesn’t just happen overnight.  It begins little by little.  In the case of infidelity, the offender begins to have thoughts he / she should not heed.  Infidelity so often begins with pornography seen on the internet or in magazines, or an inappropriate interaction with a co-worker.  Repeated thoughts turn into actions, and repeated actions turn into the fruit of adultery and usually, divorce.  

To safeguard your marriage, never go to bed with resentment in your heart toward your spouse.  This is done by humbling yourself before the Lord and saying in your heart to Him, “I take authority over this resentful thought in Jesus’ Name; it will have no power over me or my marriage.  I choose to forgive my husband / wife, and I bless him / her in Jesus’ name.”  Allow it no place in your mind, for, as surely as you’re reading my words, it will grow rapidly into a weed that can choke the good will right out of your marriage.

Then, if necessary, talk to your spouse about what they said or did and how that made you feel.  Don’t say things like, “You always…,” or “You never…”  That drives the wedge in deeper and Satan cheers.  Instead, tell your spouse, “What you said / did makes me feel....”  You fill in the blank: angry, disappointed, sad, afraid, unloved, disrespected, etc.  If your mate has any empathy at all, the gap can be bridged and peace made by verbal apology, assurances, a hug and kiss, etc.

Keep control of your mind, your thinking process.  Refuse to allow your mind to fantasize about a relationship with another person.  Kill it at the root immediately.

Don’t let your imagination run wild or allow the devil’s lies to blow things out of proportion.  Be rational and willing to listen to your mate's feelings and point of view. 

Don’t give the devil materials to construct a wall of division while you sleep.  Remember the devil hates you and your spouse; he hates godly marriage, and seeks to destroy it wherever and whenever he can.  He is relentless.  You must also be relentless in refusing to allow even the teeniest offense to build a stronghold in your mind.  Forgive, and be forgiven; don’t be too proud to say “I’m sorry.”  Run those little foxes off; don't allow them to hang around "just a little longer."  Don't nurse a grudge -- ever.  It may seem tiny, but it is a deadly seed.  

So often in an argument, nobody wants to be the first one to apologize, because you believe the other person is clearly in the wrong.  The silent treatment and turning backs to one another is another maneuver the devil applauds.  But a heart touched by the Spirit of God will be one of humility and wisdom.  “The wisdom that is from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle; willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”  James 3:17-18 (NKJ)

Sometimes one might think, "Why is it always me having to give in first?  Why can't she/he humble themselves first?"  I believe in a comment I heard once: "The one who is the most mature spiritually goes first."  How's that for competition?

I'm not saying one should be a door mat for the other one to always step on.  Far from it.  Part of a good marriage is confronting behavior that makes one feel like a door mat and talking about it.

No one said having a good marriage is easy; it requires a lot of dying to self in both husband and wife, and having an ultimate allegiance to their marriage vows said before God and other witnesses.  It requires living to please the Lord rather than oneself.

“The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?’  And He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’  So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.”  (Matthew 19:4-6, NKJ)

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

The Car Wash

I rummaged through my wallet to see if I had a coupon for half off at Embassy Car Wash.  The place sure was busy this morning.  Giving up, I pulled out my credit card as my thoughts went to the packing I still had to do for our weekend trip to Pennsylvania.

As I waited in line I overheard a conversation between the cashier and a woman in front of the customer ahead of me.  I wondered why she was there; she just stood there talking to the cashier.  

The slender woman I’ll call Patricia was neatly dressed with her blonde hair tightly slicked back and neatly tucked into a pony tail, and her jeans and top were clean.  Her eyes were a dull pale blue.   

Cashier to Patricia:  “You look sad today.”

Patricia: “I'm depressed.  I have depression.  All I want to do is sit around the house and cry.  When my kids ask me what’s wrong, I tell them something sad on TV made me cry.”

Patricia talked fast like she had been holding that bit of information in for a long time.

Cashier, with sympathy:  “I have a friend who is depressed too.”

Patricia:  “I'm so tired.  I have such horrible nightmares -- I’m afraid to go to sleep; so I force myself to stay awake until one o’clock in the morning.  I just don’t want to go to sleep.  I’ve taken Prozac for seven years, but I’ve been off it for over a month now because I can’t afford the twenty dollars per month for the medication.  My husband works for eight dollars an hour and now they took away our medical insurance.  I’ve looked and looked for a job, but there’s nothing out there.”

Cashier: “I know what you mean.  My boyfriend lost his insurance too, and he’s looking for a better job.”

Patricia sighed, put an elbow on the counter, and was quiet.  She propped her head on her hand, and looked out the window of the car wash to the workers busily wiping down cars.

As the cashier rang me up, my mind went back to the time in my life when I suffered severe anxiety-based depression.  As I signed my credit card slip, I noticed her tennis shoes had seen better days.  I could tell she was trying hard to keep herself together.

Cashier: “Ain’t it the truth! When you wanna work, there’s nothin’ out there that pays enough to live off of; and for those who don’t wanna work, they get welfare checks, can sit home all day, watch TV and make real good money.”

I wondered if the cashier heard the same news report I’d heard that said welfare recipients can make anywhere from thirty thousand to fifty thousand and even more (in Hawaii) on welfare. 

Patricia placed her elbows on the counter, crossed her arms, then put her head down on her arms. 

Before I could think twice, I found myself opening my wallet to see how much cash I had.  I pulled out thirty dollars, and moved toward her, getting her attention before pressing the money into her right hand.

A shocked look spread across her face. “Oh my gosh!” Patricia exclaimed.

I told her God loves her, sees and cares about her and her family.  Would she allow me to pray for her in Jesus’ Name?  She said “yes,” and quickly bowed her head in that public place as people walked around us.  I leaned in close to her, and she gripped my hand like a person grasping a life line.

I commanded those nightmares to stop, in Jesus’ Name. I blessed her with good health and asked the Lord to bring a better-paying job for her husband and meet all their needs.  I spoke peace into her life and called her my friend as I lifted her up to the Lord.  I was conscious of the presence of the Holy Spirit on me as I looked to Him to work in this woman’s life.

She was in no hurry to let go of my hand.  I told her I had suffered with severe anxiety-based depression in 2004-2005 and had been on a medication for a year and three months.  So I understood about clinical depression, and told her I believed she’d be okay just like I’m now totally okay. 

My next action could be considered risky, but I reached into my purse, pulled out my business card case and handed her a contact card, saying, “If you ever need to talk…”  I gave her a smile and reassuring pat on the back, and made my exit.

Cars had to drive around my waiting vehicle, but I didn’t care.  Kingdom business takes precedence over everything else – even at a car wash! 

My 67^th birthday was indeed blessed and off to a great start!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

The Happy Box

In a drawer in the nightstand beside my bed, I keep a Happy Box.  Let me explain.

It’s my pretty purple box where I keep things that mean a lot to me, that make me feel happy.  So if I ever have a day when I feel down, I can take the box out of the drawer and see things that cheer and encourage me. 

My granddaughter Alissa plays a game she calls “What’s in my bag?”  She takes one thing out at a time and plops it on the table in front of her.  It’s amazing what she can stash in a Batman shoulder bag!

I’m going to play “What’s in my Happy Box” and see what I can find.  Not that I’m sad, mind you; no, I’m quite happy and feel like doing something fun.  I haven’t looked through it for a number of years.  Here goes.  Hmm…

- A card from Alissa and Nicole in August 2013 thanking Grandpa and Grandma for their birthday gifts, and a P.S. on the card from 16-year-old Alissa—You’re super cool.

- A thank-you note from granddaughter Noelle for us helping her become Little Miss People’s Choice in a beauty pageant in Front Royal.

- A number of cards and e-mails from my friends Dodie, Kathy, Sahar, Connie, Patty and my prayer partner Jane commenting on our friendship and what I mean to them

- A short but very timely letter of a year ago when I needed encouragement about my writing: “Dear Elaine, thanks for the book.  You did a marvelous job!  I don’t know if you are aware that I edit, design, proof and occasionally ghost-write books.  And I have reviewed some disastrous attempts at producing a children’s book.  You’ve done it just right.  The story line is age-appropriate.  The message is clean without being overwhelming.  I like the other “learning” bits about cows, snails, peepers, etc.  And I thoroughly enjoyed David Miles’ illustrations.  Obviously God (Who never wastes resources) put together a great team to get the message out in this excellent fashion.  Thanks again – Elsie  P.S.  This is a standing order for the next book!”

- Christmas cards from our children

- A pink paper tissue flower made and given me by granddaughter Nicole

- Two personal thank-you notes from my MD, once for the homemade butter horn rolls and once for the loaf of homemade bread I gave him and his wife

- A cassette tape with a short prophecy on it for me and my husband from Al Fury, dated 8/26/03.  It was taped just for us as Al Fury spoke a word from God over us at a meeting held by the Life Church in a hotel ballroom.  This precious, encouraging recording brought me through some extremely dark days.  Thank you, Jesus, for words of prophecy from You!

- A ½ inch darling “Tynies” jade birdie with orange feet and bill from my daughter Deb who loves tiny things.  So sweet!

- A friendly Easter card from our neighbors Mark and Christine: “It’s nice living next door to someone who likes Easter too.”

- Notes sprawled in “little girl printing” from my granddaughters; Valentines and drawings from my grandkids; they bring tears to my eyes because they convey such love and innocence.

- A small 2-inch clay white birthday cake with blue trim and pink and lavender roses; when the button is pushed underneath, it plays “Happy Birthday” several times over as six colored lights flash.  What a sweet reminder of Cheryl Meynig’s friendship before she moved to Texas.  Love it! 

- A blue-ink message written on a white restaurant napkin from my mother when we were out and about on our weekly Tuesday “Mom Day” a number of years ago.  It reads, “I’m so glad you have daddy’s beautiful blue eyes.”  Then she drew a smiley face and a happy stick figure with arms and legs dancing.  Love it!

- A 2005 thank you note from VA House of Delegates candidate Steve Chapman saying I did a fantastic job defending my Home Interior business in my request for a city permit during the public hearing at City Hall.  “It is such a shame to see more and more gov’t rules that only hurt and harass the people…Thank you for fighting; I wish you the best of luck and if there is anything I can do please let me know.  God bless you, Steve Chapman.”

- My framed baby picture by professional photographer Hillman in 1946 and given to me by my parents shortly before Daddy died

- Meaningful notes from PA friends Doyle and Ruthie Mankamyer and my sister-in-law Lola in VA, and my first cousin Miriam in PA when I was going through a dark time in my life

- A thank-you teddy bear card carefully printed by a little girl I used to babysit twenty years ago thanking me and Dave “for the Bedtime Bible and being so nice. J  Love, Courtney”

- Individual notes from our daughter and her husband Keith, January 29, 2002, thanking us for funding our family’s 3-day trip to Williamsburg—something I’d forgotten about!

- A note from my daughter Deb, June 12, 2006 reads: “…Last night before Alissa’s bedtime prayer she said she was thankful for you.  Then she prayed and thanked God for making you her grandma.  She said you’re ‘the best-est grandma in the whole wide world’…”

A note from my son Doug dated November 6, 2000 reads: “Mom, thanks so much for the great dinner and salad you made for me!  I didn’t get home from work until 11:15 tonight and I was tired and hungry.  Seeing that pasta and salad waiting for me made my day!  Thanks so much.  Love, Doug”

The last two items in my Happy Box come from our son, Darren.  This first note came via e-mail, February 27, 2008 to his dad: 

“Thank you for your love and kindness.

Thank you for always being there for me.

Thank you for being patient.

Thank you for soft words and good judgment.

Thank you for fixin what needed fixin.

Thank you for showing me a REAL man.

Thank you for your faith in God.

Thank you for never judging me.

Thank you for believing in me and for words of encouragement.

You are truly a treasure to me here on earth.

God has blessed me with an awesome father AND friend.

You are loved and cherished so very much.

I could not ask for a more wonderful father, all I want is you.

DAD, I just can’t find the words…………….

I’m so proud of you, and I’m proud to call you father.

Love,    Darren”

The following is an e-mail note Darren wrote to me the same day:

“Thank you for teaching me God’s word.

Thank you for showing me the way to salvation.

Thank you for allowing me to learn on my own, but being ready to help.

Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me.

Thank you for always lifting me before the Lord.

Thank you for your unconditional love.

Thank you for kind, soft words and patience without end.

Thank you, MOTHER, my dear sweet mother, for putting my needs and wants before yours.

If given the chance to pick from hundreds of thousands of moms,

I would pick you, HANDS DOWN, every time.

I love you oh so very, very much.

The tears running down my cheeks are tears of thankfulness.

MOTHER, I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH YOU.”

I cried tears of happiness and joy as I read those notes and sifted through my treasures.

I’m so glad for my Happy Box!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Eating Together

There’s something about eating together that engenders fellowship and oneness with people.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich eaten with a friend in a park, kids eating together in a school cafeteria, a burger and fries at McDonalds, or a dinner of fine cuisine in an upscale restaurant.  The act of eating with someone says “friendship.”

I think of the joys I’ve had eating with relatives and friends, like this past Labor Day weekend when I have come away from the restaurants and picnic table feeling nourished not only by the food, but nourished because of loving interaction with family and friends.  There’s an emotional uplift because of mutual respect, exchange of ideas, sharing personal news, discussion of interests, and sharing testimonies of what God has done and is doing in one’s life.

Jesus thought eating was important, too.  He attended a wedding where He turned water into wine.  He ate with publicans and sinners, Pharisees and Sadducees, and with Zaccheus the hated tax collector.  He ate with Mary and Martha and Lazarus and his own twelve disciples.  He broke bread with them after His resurrection.  He cooked fish for them over an open fire on the seashore.  He was concerned about feeding the multitudes.  He was a friend of sinners – laughed, talked, and ate with them.  He was friendly and showed them mercy.  But He always said, “Go, and sin no more.”

Some religious groups like the Old Order Amish practice “shunning.”  That means members are forbidden to eat or do business with someone from their number who doesn’t meet their standard of “holiness” and obedience to the church authorities.  They shun those who, in their opinion, have not shown proper “repentance” for their transgressions. 

They take as their authority for doing so the scripture in I Corinthians 5:11-12: “But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler.  With such a man do not even eat.  What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church?  Are you not to judge those inside?  God will judge those outside.  Expel the wicked man from among you.”

The context for this scripture was that the Apostle Paul chastised the Corinthian church for boasting of being so “open-minded” and full of “grace” that they allowed a man who was having sex with his mother to stay in their fellowship—an act, Paul said, that was not even done among pagans.  Paul instructed them to put the man out from under the protective covering of the church by handing him over to Satan so his carnal nature would be destroyed but his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.  I also think of Jude verse 12, “These men are blemishes at your love feasts, eating with you without the slightest qualm—shepherds who feed only themselves…”  

There is certainly a place for such disciplinary action by the church if the criteria are met, but leaders must do what Jesus said in Matthew 7:24: "Stop judging by mere appearances and make a right judgment."   

Speaking of shunning, my mother can tell you about the pain of Amish shunning.   

When she was but three years old, my mom’s Amish dad abandoned his young wife and family of four little children and went out West.  He stayed away for fifteen years, and they never heard a word from him during that time.  Lydia, his wife, had to work as a maid taking care of other Amish families’ babies while her own were first given to the care of her 63-year-old parents and then parceled out to Amish relatives when they were old enough to “earn their keep.”  For many years, my mom only got to see her mother briefly on Sundays at church.  It pains me deeply even now as I write this to think of the emotional scarring, pain and deprivation my grandmother, my mom and her brothers and sister endured.

But my grandmother, Lydia, kept faith that he would one day come back. 

When my mother was eighteen, she found out his address and wrote to him, asking him to please come home.  And one day, out of the blue, he walked in across the porch and through the front door! 

The grandparents contacted all the children that they were supposed to come home.  The great surprise and temporary shyness was soon replaced with joy as their father greeted them.  My mom and her siblings and their mother were ecstatic.  Oh, how they rejoiced together.  God had answered their persistent and fervent prayers!  How wonderful it was to be reunited again as a family after fifteen years of painful separation. 

After Sam was home, instead of rejoicing, his Amish church gave him the “left hand” of fellowship.  He was out in the cold, with no church home, no Amish friends.  His own family and former friends were not supposed to eat with him, or do business with him.  Otherwise, they would be shunned. Talk about an impossible way to make a fresh start in his community!  He knew he’d be shunned if he came home, but he came anyway.  That took a lot of courage.  God bless you extra-special in heaven, Grandpa Sam, for your humility and obedience to the Lord.  Thank you for coming home to Grandma, my mom, and the family.

One day their family was invited to dinner at the home of someone in the Amish church.  When it came time to eat, my mom noticed a little table in a corner set with a single plate of food.  A pang of emotion shot through her entire being.  She knew immediately who that isolated table was for.  Her dad did not fall into any category of sin mentioned in the above scripture, but he was shunned anyway by those she deemed friends.

  

When Sam saw the “shunning table,” he quietly turned and retreated to the living room where he sat by himself and went hungry.  My dear mother endured such searing emotional pain during the meal, she could barely eat.  I’m glad my grandfather stood up for righteousness and shunned unrighteousness.  

(Sam left the Amish culture and was taken in as a member of Springs Mennonite Church in Springs, PA, and made new friends, built a successful "Sam Beachy & Sons" business, invented and patented the first endless tread garden tractor in the United States, and became an outstanding and generous member of the community.  He and his sons also built a successful apple butter factory on the premises.  When Sam was no longer in the Amish culture, I understand that the Amish could do business with him.)  

Besides physical nourishment, eating together is for fellowship.  It’s a social bond that can serve us well, but eating together for many families is a painful event which many avoid because of bitterness or disagreements.  Sometimes one member (or several) of the family displays a “holier than thou” or angry attitude which makes eating a tense and unpleasant event.  Eating when angry, fearful or resentful can cause one to get physically sick.

It’s also vital that husbands and wives don’t go to bed angry with each other.  Make peace with one another.  Catch the little foxes before they spoil the vine, as King Solomon said.  If you don’t, it will affect your health, eating and bonding with your family.

    

As we anticipate the coming holiday celebrations, there will be many family gatherings and social events.  Please settle disputes and disagreements before gathering around the family table.  Seek peace and pursue it, as Scripture says in I Peter 3:11 and Psalm 34:14.  We want to come away from the table feeling nourished in spirit, soul, and body.

We are to do everything without wrath (unholy anger) or doubting (fear), lifting up holy hands in prayer to the Lord.  (I Timothy 2:8)  I believe the same truth applies to eating together, don’t you?

Just think—some euphoric day we believers will all eat together around that great special decked-out table in Heaven at the marriage supper of the Lamb, Jesus our Savior and Bridegroom!  What a time of supreme fellowship, joy and gladness that will be!  Eating here on earth should be a tiny foretaste of joys to come!

*All Scriptures are taken from the NIV Bible

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

   

When Marriage Disintegrates

Tears flowed down Vanessa’s beautiful black face.  She gripped my hands as she related her painful story.

“Elaine, I need God to help me get through this; please pray for me,” she began.  “My husband Gary is white, and we’ve had a beautiful and happy marriage until five years ago.  I’m a breast cancer survivor, and doctors said I should have a hysterectomy so I won’t get uterine cancer.  I went through with it.  Of course, then I couldn’t have any more children, and he blamed me for that.  Our relationship started to fall apart, and these past five years have been a wild roller-coaster ride of a living nightmare because of all the emotional abuse he’s heaped on me.”

She made deep up and down roller-coaster motions with her hands and dabbed at her eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong—Gary wasn’t entirely to blame for the deterioration of our marriage; I bear my share of it.  We’ve both done and said things we regret.  But Elaine, he’s a Christian, and I just can’t understand why he’s acting the way he does.  I feel so confused, so unloved and tossed aside.  Gary always defended me to his mother, who was very much against us getting married in the first place.  He always stood up for me; we loved each other, and for years we had a great marriage.

“What is it with holidays?  Is he trying to make it as painful as possible?  The day before Thanksgiving last year, he told me he’d found someone else – someone younger.  Two days before Christmas, he announced he was moving out.  Then the day before Mother’s Day this year, he served me with divorce papers.  I didn’t want this divorce, and tried to get him to go with me to counseling, but he was stubborn.  Two days before what would have been our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, our divorce was final.”

Vanessa paused and wiped her face with a tissue and tried to compose herself.  After a bit she continued.

“I refuse to medicate myself with drugs or alcohol, or withdraw from church, stay to myself, and do other things I’m tempted to do, but it is just so hard.  I have never walked through anything so dark and terrible in all my life.  I understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to dull the pain.  But I know that’s a dead-end street, and I’m not going there.

“Our two children are suffering so much.  Daniel is nineteen, has moved out and sees Gary at work; he’s very angry at his dad and struggling with substance abuse.  Amy is twenty-one and lives with me.  I feel like I’ve failed my children… Our once happy home is split in two.  My daughter is slipping into depression, and I feel so helpless to know what to do for her.  I know I need to find some help for her.  I find myself watching way too much TV with her...I know I have to go to work and keep moving… I just want our family relationships to somehow be restored even if we’re divorced… I want our children to have a good relationship with their father.

“Gary said he wants to buy another house, and wants our current townhouse to be put into my name.  Just last week he was so angry because the refinancing on our townhome is taking longer than he'd like, and he blames me for that too.  The truth of the matter is that the refinancing difficulty is his fault because he inadvertently didn’t make the mortgage payment within the allotted time because he was out of town due to the death of his father.  But I just can’t reason with him.  It starts a huge fight, and I’m just so tired.”

My mind was reeling as she unburdened herself.  How my heart went out to her!  I prayed with Vanessa and told her I was so proud of her for not giving up, and for being in church every Sunday instead of staying home and withdrawing.  I told her she was a beautiful woman who has a lot to offer.  Sometimes the best thing to do is just to put arms around someone who’s hurting and cry with them.  

Vanessa inspires me as I see her Sunday after Sunday standing in her usual spot in the church sanctuary and worshipping the Lord with upraised hands.  I know she truly is giving a sacrifice of praise to her Savior, and my heart goes out to her.   

How could this happen to a once-happily married Christian couple?  How could a Christian man, who once stood up and defended his wife to his own mother, now turn on her?  What foundation of offense was laid, one plank at a time, until he became a prisoner in a house of bitterness? 

Do you see why I have such a passion and heart for children and the family?  Why I am so vehemently against anything that would destroy God’s plan for marriage according to the Holy Scriptures?  The world is reeling with sin and pain.  Scenes like this scenario are written in hell, and as mankind agrees with the devil, it is established. 

Stay free of taking offense, dear reader.  Don’t become a prisoner in a house of bitterness. I love you.

*Names have been changed to protect identity.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Violence Among The Young

“We were bored.”  Such was the reason given by two teenagers who shot and killed a man.  Another report said they wanted to be famous.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing yesterday when I turned on my TV and heard the shocking news.  Surely it was a bad joke.  But no. 

Three teens in a vehicle had followed twenty-two year old Christopher Lane and shot him in the back as he was minding his own business, enjoying a jog along a road in Duncan, Oklahoma.  He was here in the United States on a baseball scholarship at East Central University. 

On probation, fifteen-year-old James Francis Edwards Jr, had been in court that very day to sign papers related to his previous run-in with the law.  He and sixteen-year-old Chancey Allen Luna were charged as adults with first degree murder.  A third teen who allegedly drove the vehicle, seventeen-year old Michael Jones, was also arrested and bond set at $1 million.

The Facebook sites of these three teenagers showed they idolized musicians of violent rap music.  Sky News reported that investigators found this message on one of the alleged killer’s Facebook pages: “Bang.  Two drops in two hours.”  Apparently these three young men were on a killing spree.  The mother of the sixteen-year old said he and his two friends were part of a “wannabe gang,” but said her son was not a killer.*

These kids are sons, grandsons, and nephews.  What went wrong? Were they in search of significance? What was their home life like?  Did they have loving and caring families?  Somehow, I have a hard time picturing that.  Were the parents so self-absorbed and engrossed in their work/careers that they left their sons to fend for themselves?  Did they consider their children hopelessly uncontrollable?  Did violent video games play a part in creating such a callous mind-set?  Did those rap music heroes poison the minds and create a desire to act out what they were hearing day after day?  Did the parents know or care what their sons were listening to and posting on Facebook?  

One thing we know for sure: something turned their lives down the wrong path.  It’s just heart-breaking. 

And one can’t blame the gun laws.  There are laws a-plenty on the books against teens and criminals having guns, but they have them anyway.  Criminals always find ways to get guns.  To say a gun is to blame for this crime is like saying a rope is responsible for a lynching.  Do we need to outlaw ropes, too?  How about rocks, knives, high buildings and bridges, cars, planes, etc?  No—people are responsible for their actions, regardless of whatever is at their disposal or what weapon they use or how they behave in public and private.

Parenting is hard work.  No one said it was easy.  It takes diligence; it takes engaging in discipline when you’d rather just “let it slide” this time, because you don’t have the energy or want to take the time to correct your children.  It takes following through with instructions given and consequences for disobedience.  If you love your children, you’ll know and care about who your kids hang out with.  You’ll care about what they watch on TV, at the movies, on YouTube, or what music they listen to; you’ll teach them to be honest and trustworthy.  Of course, the precursor is that you as a parent are a good example yourself.  Care about your children; take an interest in them, honor them as little people created in the image of God.  It takes nipping undesirable traits in the bud.  Little things turn into big things down the road of life.

Be firm when you have to say “No” to a request, but be careful to choose your battles and think prayerfully before issuing consequences.  Don’t just automatically say “No” when you don’t want to be bothered with a request.  Say “Yes” as often as you can conscientiously do so.

Find good things for your kids to be involved in: sports, music, art classes, church youth group activities, volunteering at a homeless shelter, etc.  Encourage them to get a job mowing the neighbor’s grass for some spending money.   Give them responsibilities around the house and yard.  Have fun together – go on a picnic or go hiking. Talk honorably with your teens.  Let your child know he should be a pace-setter, a leader rather than a follower of what everyone else is doing. 

Most important of all, be a committed Christian and lead him into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Set your teen's sights high; declare God’s goodness over his life.  Your children need to know God cares about them and needs them to make a difference for good in this world. 

Growing up I heard the phrase, “Idleness is the devil’s workshop.”  In the case of this murder, the words, “We were bored,” certainly gives credence to that saying.

I think of the scripture, “The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.”  Proverbs 29:15 (KJV) and, “Do not be misled: bad company corrupts good character.”  I Corinthians 15:33 (NIV)

The other day I sent a little inspirational e-mail to my grandchildren who have e-mail accounts, and I think it conveys my additional thoughts well.  Here is a partial copy and paste:

In some ways our lives are like a garden. I think the soil is like our heart, right? The kind of seed we sow in that soil will sprout and push tiny shoots above the ground. The more we feed and water that seed, the taller it grows.

Our thoughts are like seeds we sow. I thought of a quote by Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first female Prime Minister years ago:

“Watch your thoughts for they become words.
Watch your words for they become actions.
Watch your actions for they become habits.
Watch your habits for they become your character.
And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.
What we think, we become.
My father always said that... and I think I am fine.”

― Margaret Thatcher

I think that’s a good motto to live by, don’t you? I like it myself. To keep weeds out of the garden of our heart, we need to destroy thoughts before they have a chance to take root, and then plant good thoughts instead. Thoughts become words, and the words we say steer our lives like the rudder on a ship, as the Bible says in James 3:2-12. Isn’t that amazing?

Enough said.

God bless you, dear reader!

*Source: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/21/police-say-teen-shot-australian-student-in-oklahoma-for-fun-it/

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

The Old(er) and the Young

A friend has inspired me with his interest and love of the young generation; he’s also a godly example to his peers.  When he is in a gathering of people, you’ll find him sharing answers to prayer and encouraging others in their walk with the Lord.  How wonderful to see the young in that conversation group as well!

Every Thursday, my friend fasts and uses his lunch hour instead to e-mail, text, and pray for people.  He speaks into the lives of his peers and the next generation. 

For over a year, he and his wife fasted dinner together once a week and prayed for a young man who needed Jesus.  Last fall this precious young man knelt with his father at home and surrendered his life to Jesus as his Lord and Savior.  Hallelujah!  Now my friend drives two hours one way every month to have breakfast with him and encourage him.  He continues to cover him in prayer.

As she spends time with the Lord in daily Bible reading and prayer, a godly grandmother I know is writing a journal for her young granddaughter.  What a priceless legacy!  (I plan to write my memoirs for my children and grandchildren after I publish the third book in my Biff and Becka trilogy.)

The “ceiling” of the older generation should be the “floor” of the young, and we should help them succeed.  But it’s true that often the young insist on finding their own way through life and reject the wisdom and experience of their elders.  That’s why we need to cover them in prayer, give them grace, and encourage them to excel.

There needs to be mutual respect between the generations.  What one gives out comes back; what one sows, one reaps.  What I mean is that if an older person is unkind or critical of a young person, that young one will likely respond to the older person in kind.  Likewise, if a young person is snippy, disrespectful and rude, he should not be surprised if he is not given respect by his elders.

The older generation tends to prefer visiting someone in person vs. using Skype; talking on the phone vs. texting; sending greeting cards and letters vs. e-mail or social media.

 

The older generation provides settled traditions and customs that give structure and support to the young.  The older generation provides a “nest,” if you will, for the younger ones to grow up in.  It has the advantage of experience and, hopefully, godly wisdom that the young people need.  Young ones need to hear and learn of living a life of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, because that’s the only solid footing for them in life.  “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” Psalm 127:1  

The younger generation is seemingly obsessed with how fast they can communicate with one another, and display intimate details of their life for the whole world to see through glass walls of social media.  Sometimes they do very rash, foolish and stupid things that hurt their friends and their own reputation. 

But they can also more easily envision new things, help invent new technology, help older people learn new things, and have fresh insights about the world around them.  They show boundless energy, enthusiasm and passion for what they believe in, and can encourage the older generation to stoke the fires of old dreams that may have died.

I remember the passion I felt as a teenager about injustice and world conditions.  That passion never left me, and remains today; it’s expanded to passion for the rule of God’s Kingdom on earth. 

As a high school senior in 1964, I heard a lot about Communism and its terrible effects on the lives of those governed by it.  I was moved and deeply impassioned about the horror stories of mistreatment I read, and carried a book titled “You Can Trust The Communists…to be Communists,” around with me in the school's hallways.  It drew some questioning looks from students, but I didn’t care.  I was on a mission to educate the world about these things.  I remember the report I gave in Mr. Deeter’s history class on the atrocities suffered by those held in labor camps in Communist regions.  I don’t think he was too impressed: he cut my report short.

It’s a precious thing when a young person considers a parent or grandparent to be their role model, one to be looked up to.  I remember Miss Horchner’s class in high school where we girls were supposed to give a report on the person we most wanted to be like in life, and why.  I listened as other girls got up and said they wanted to be like a famous country music singer, a dancer, a musician, a gymnast or an actress, etc.  I felt slightly intimidated, but also proud, when it was my turn to stand in front of the class.  I wrote that the person I most wanted to be like was my mother.

I’ll never forget the look on Miss Horchner’s face when I finished.  It was one of being close to tears.  She remarked, “Very nicely done!”

In thinking of the young and old, I remember a scripture in Joel 2:28, NIV, that says, “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people.  Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.”  What a wonderful promise from God!

The older generation needs to provide prayer covering for the young generation.  We need to show them we care by extending acceptance and a hand up in friendship as the friend I mentioned.

I know my grandmother Olive Yoder covered her children and grandchildren in prayer and I am blessed because of it.  See more on grandmothers at my blog post in 2011: http://elaine-beachy.blogspot.com/2011/10/grandmothers.html.  Also see a tribute to my parents here:  http://elaine-beachy.blogspot.com/2011/10/picture.html

I hope you’ll take five minutes to listen to this wonderful song by Steve Green: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eERKnxzNzwg  It conveys my heart quite well.

God bless you, dear reader!  I invite your comments below.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

    

Honorary Uncle

I have a special place in my heart for my distant cousin and high school teacher, Kenton Yoder, whom I affectionately call my “third son.”  He and our children went to school together and have always been close friends.  Although we live separated by 150 miles, Kenton comes to Virginia to visit several times a year and has been part of our family vacations for a number of years.  He is such a blessing to our family.

Kenton shares my concern and love for the next generation, and his actions prove it.  My “third son” has “done me proud!”  Let me explain.

My first grandchild, Alissa Rose, turned sweet sixteen on August 3, 2013.  Amid the celebration, I was shown an e-mail she received from her “honorary uncle.”

I e-mailed Kenton and asked his permission to publish his beautiful letter: he said “yes.”  I also asked my granddaughter’s permission (and received it) to have her name used.  The following is what I wrote Kenton in my request:

“When I read your e-mail to her, I had tears in my eyes, because I could feel the love and care you had in your heart for her (Alissa).  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for investing in her life – taking the time to write such a lovely thing!

As a grandmother, it fills my heart with much thankfulness to God for placing you in her life.  The generations need each other; indeed, that was to have been the subject of my next blog post… No doubt your words will stay with her forever.  That e-mail is better than anything you could have bought for her.  I am forever grateful for that!”

Without further ado, I present to you the priceless e-mail letter from my honorary son to my granddaughter Alissa:

Dear Alissa,

Happy 16^th Birthday, my Honorary Niece! I wonder if you would permit me to talk with you a bit about some things that would perhaps be difficult and awkward for me to mention if we were face-to-face, because they are so important and personal.

There are so many things about you that I enjoy and appreciate. Your whole-hearted enjoyment of the activities you engage in, your lack of pretentiousness, your athleticism and grace in gymnastics, your musical ability, your intelligence, your laughter, your good relationship with Nicole....

God has blessed you with so many gifts and with one very special gift that is becoming vanishingly rare in the U.S. today—two parents who love God, who are committed to and love each other, and who love you. I thank God that you have so far resisted the temptation so common among teenagers in our society today to believe and act as if your parents are stupid, not worthy of your respect and honor. I pray that you will continue to honor your parents’ wisdom, because God really will make that a great blessing in your life.

I don’t know anything (good or bad) about your friends. I was fortunate when I was your age to have friends like your dad, your Uncle Kevin, and your Uncle Doug. They were friends that made me want to become a better person than I was to be worthy of their respect, approval, and honor. Be friendly and kind and polite to everyone, especially to those who lack friends, but surround yourself with friends that you can “live up to,” that make you want to be a better person. Why make your life harder by often being around those who encourage you to do things that are wrong or dishonorable? You are so beautiful in heart and mind and body, you are like the clean, bright flash of a sword in the sunlight. But a sword left in the mud will become dim and dull and rusty. It would grieve me if you let “mud” soil your soul.

One of the hardest things for anyone to do when pressed by a close friend to do that which is wrong is to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. It would hurt God, my parents, and me. Please don’t ask me again.” It makes you feel like a pious prig, as if you were claiming to be better than your friend, and of course you know in your heart that that isn’t really so, that you struggle with sin and temptation just as much as any of your friends. It would be so easy just to go along, not make a fuss. But if you honor God, God will honor you, and it may surprise you the respect and honor you will gain in the eyes of your friends. Going along with evil is always easier and more comfortable, but it will NEVER earn you the true respect of your peers (at least not from any person whose respect you want). I want to encourage you to be the kind of person that your friends can come to for help and advice. If you are drowning, you don’t ask help of the person who is sinking beside you, but from someone who is standing on the bank and can throw you a rope.

Lastly, be a good friend. Guard your tongue. God says it is the hardest thing in the world to tame. Work on finding kind and genuine complimentary things to say about people. Resist the temptation to criticize people who aren’t there; instead shift the conversation to something else. Talking about someone behind her back and not being discreet with secrets that you know are great ways to ruin friendships and lose their trust and confidence.

I am afraid that I have left you with the impression that I do not trust you or that I am afraid for you. This is not so. But having seen you begin so well, I want to see you run the rest of your race with joy and peace and freedom with the fresh wind in your face. Not burdened with regrets and might-have-beens.

I hope you enjoy this next year. 16 for me was a great year, and they just kept getting better into my twenties. I hope you find that to be true in your life as well. More things to enjoy, deeper friendships, more freedom, lots of happy memories. Again, best birthday wishes to you.

Your Honorary Uncle,

Kenton

A marketing slogan from Hallmark Cards comes to mind: “When you care enough to send the very best!”  Thank you, Kenton, for living out that Hallmark slogan and for allowing me to publish your beautifully-written sentiments.

Every child should have a person like Kenton, besides their parents, who will speak into his life.  Together we can build a fortress against the evil one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  How could you speak into the life of a young person in your circle of influence?

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Dating Then and Now

This Simply Said design is in our bedroom

Our culture sure is different now from what it was when my husband and I were dating.  For one thing, both of were raised in a Mennonite culture where we didn’t have television or go to the movies, or even go bowling or play pool for that matter.  Dave’s and my parents were both farmers, so we knew the value of hard work and were kept busy.  

Dave and I started casual dating when we were 17, and then when he was 19, he went into Voluntary Service for two years.  I saw him only once during that time when he came home for a visit.  Mom and Dad told me I couldn’t get married before I was 21, and I think that’s a very good idea.  When I was young, it was very rare for a couple to break up after they started dating, because we took dating seriously and believed you only chose someone to date whom you’d wish to marry.    

Our dates consisted of going to church together on a Sunday evening, and coming back to our farm house afterwards.  Mom would fix us some lemonade, or cake and ice cream, or popcorn, and then we’d spend time doing a jigsaw puzzle or playing a game with the family present.  When the family went to bed, we’d sit in the living room and listen to records such as “The Norman Luboff Choir, Gospel Guitar, Sons of the Pioneers,” or Ralph Platt’s album, “The Birds Sing His Praise.”  (I remember at least one time one of my four brothers sneaked downstairs and looked around the corner to peek at us.) J 

We would hold hands as we sat on the couch together, and we were 6 months into dating before Dave kissed me on the forehead and I kissed him back on the cheek as he stood in the doorway to leave at 10:00 p.m..  He said he “floated” home that night! J  To be loved is indeed a wonderful feeling.

Our parents taught us sexual purity.  Sometimes we didn’t like their restrictions, but they were trying to protect us, and we respected them for that. Very rarely did we go anywhere alone, except in the car ride to church or to a youth group activity.  The church was a big part of our lives, and we had both given our lives to Jesus Christ.  Because our parents taught us sexual purity, we determined that we would never engage in sexual activity while dating.  And we kept our promise.

Today, so many young people in our sexually-permissive culture have such a skewed view of dating, because it's hormone-driven instead of purpose-driven.  

Our culture has kids spending their time watching graphic television, playing violent video games, and listening to destructive hip hop music on their iPods by idols such as Lil Wayne and his super-filthy lyrics. Too often they don't know stability and the value of doing something productive and fill their idle time with the above. 

Who was it said, “Idleness is the devil’s workshop?”  I remember as a teenager thinking I sure wouldn’t mind having some of that idleness, and I didn’t believe it was the devil’s workshop, either.  I couldn’t imagine what that meant.  What was evil about being idle?  Mom often found me sitting cross-legged on the floor reading a book by the library shelf I had been dusting.  She’d say, “First work, then play!”  And I remember thinking to myself, “Yeah, and all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!” (Or in my case, “makes Jill a dull girl.”)  J  We were taught obedience and responsibility.

Blessed is the young person whose parents:

• Have a good marriage
• Lay ground rules for healthy dating and enforce them
• Love them enough to talk candidly about sex and abstinence
• Teach him to do good deeds for neighbors
• Teach him to put God’s Word first in his life
• Involve him in wholesome youth activities at church
• Teach him responsibility in helping around the house and yard
• Encourage involvement in music, sports, art, etc.
• Have a regular family night to play games or watch a movie
• Take a daytrip to the mountains to hike or picnic
• Involve them with extended family on a regular basis
• Ask God for wisdom to help them raise their children

Yes, the dating culture certainly is different now than it was back then when I was young.  And many more pitfalls are strewn in the footpaths of the young.  But the principles for godly dating remain the same because God doesn’t change.  We can still raise godly children to have healthy dating practices and eventually sound marriages.

I invite you to leave your comments or questions below in the comment section.

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy