Women

WOMEN

There are women of power

and women of greed,

women of influence

in desperate need.

There are women of jealousy,

women of pride;

women of worry,

withering inside.

There are women of godliness,

prayer and good deeds;

women of godliness --

God's ways they heed.

There are women of honor,

and if you're like me,

a Spirit-led woman

you desire to be.

by Elaine Beachy

December 22, 1999

I wrote this poem to tuck inside a gift card for my daughter and daughter-in-law, announcing they would be getting a subscription to Spirit-Led Woman magazine as part of their Christmas gift that year.

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright 2013 Elaine Beachy

A Softened Heart

“I’m not going to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving, and that’s that!”  Nancy’s eyes threw daggers at her husband as she sat down to watch television.

Frank sighed and threw up his hands.  They’d had this argument the past two years ever since Nancy had a falling-out with his mother.  Frank knew his mother spoke her mind, and he’d talked to her about the way she’d hurt Nancy’s feelings.  His mother had tried to apologize to Nancy, but she’d closed her heart. 

“Nancy, I miss not spending Thanksgiving with my parents; why can’t you understand that?  How would you feel if I refused to go to your parents’ home for Christmas?” Frank appealed.  Lord knows he’d prayed a lot about Nancy’s attitude toward his mom.

Nancy didn’t answer, but clicked on the TV.  The first words she heard startled her. 

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” 

The minister went on to say, “This scripture from Ephesians 5: 21 to 33 talks about how husbands and wives need to submit to one another.  The husband must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.  We read the same instruction in Titus 2 verse 5 that wives are to be subject to their own husbands so the word of God will not be ill-spoken of.”

Frank saw Nancy’s finger hover over the remote to change channels, but for some reason she didn’t change it. 

“Let’s not forget Ephesians 5:21 that says we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  The teaching that wives must submit to their husbands has been very misunderstood and abused in some Christian circles.  Sometimes people get the idea that women are basically to be a doormat for their husbands to walk on, while the husband is given unlimited authority over his wife.  In spite of this distorted teaching, we cannot get around the fact that the Lord did say through Paul that wives are to submit to their husbands.  Just because a teaching isn’t popular is no reason to discard it.  Indeed we dare not. 

2 Timothy 3:16 tells us that all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. We need to humble our hearts to the Lord to be taught by Him.  The Word of God teaches that the husband is the head of the home, and the wife should respect his role.  The husband should understand that such leadership requires service – he is to be a ‘servant-leader!’  The wife should willingly submit to her husband’s God-given role and not try to wrest his role away from him and upstage him.  The truth is, they are to submit to one another as they submit to Christ in their lives.  The husband is to love his wife, and the wife is to respect her husband.  This is pleasing to the Lord.”

Nancy turned the TV off and looked over at Frank.  He saw her face soften. 

“I’m sorry, Frank; I’ve not been respecting your leadership.  Please forgive me.”

Frank never felt more loved by his wife than at that moment as they embraced. 

Nancy reached for the phone.  “Call your mother and tell her we accept her invitation to spend Thanksgiving with them.”

God bless you, dear reader!

*All Scriptures are from the NIV unless otherwise noted.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

  

Goodwill Is More Than A Thrift Store

Goodwill is more than a thrift store.  And it’s not cheap, either.  Kindness and goodwill mean choosing to think of others as valuable and in need of love.  Since I’m talking about godly older women teaching younger women as commanded in Titus 2:5, I’ll direct my comments about kindness and goodwill to the females of mankind. J

Women can be vicious toward other women.  Sometimes they can be gossips, unfriendly, snobbish, petty, condescending, critical, and argumentative with their husbands.  They can yell at their children and convey the damaging attitude that their little ones are a bother.  They can neglect their children, and even physically abuse them. 

Women often judge others by social/economic status and either envy them, or look down their noses at them because of the house they live in, the car they drive and the clothes they wear.  They judge others’ body size, appearance and hair style.

When I think of kindness and good will, I think of the love chapter in I Corinthians 13.  Verse 4 says love is patient and kind.  I think kindness begins with the thoughts we think about someone, and finally displays itself with acts of love toward them.  One could substitute the word “kindness” for the word “love” in this passage, and get the correct picture.  One can also substitute “God” for the word “love,” because God IS love! 

A woman who is kind is patient—not envious, boastful or proud.  She’s not rude, self-seeking or easily angered.  She keeps no record of wrongs and doesn’t delight in evil but loves the truth.  A kind woman always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. 

No wonder God says in Proverbs 11:16 that a kind-hearted woman gains respect!  Apply the love chapter to the relationships in your life, and you will know how to treat your husband, children, and friends with kindness. 

There’s another aspect of kindness and goodwill we overlook far too much.  Can you guess what it is?  It’s being kind to ourselves!  Have you ever berated yourself over mistakes you made and wallowed in self-incrimination?

I had an experience just this evening that illustrates my point:

Our son Doug lives downstairs and takes his meals with us four nights a week.  Today he sent me an e-mail saying he has a haircut at seven o’clock, and so he’d need to leave around 6:40.  Somehow—don’t ask me how—I interpreted the e-mail to mean he has a haircut at 6 and would be home around 6:40!  I waited and waited to get dinner on the table until nearer the time I thought we’d be eating.  (We usually eat between 5:30 and 6:00.)  Since he always turns his outside garage lights on when he leaves his house, I kept wondering why his lights weren’t on, and I told Dave maybe Doug has been home for awhile and just forgot to turn his lights on when he left.  So Dave called downstairs at 6:30 to see if he was home, and he answered the phone!  Doug said he’s leaving for his haircut in a few minutes, and he’d just get some Chinese food when he comes home.

I couldn’t believe that I had misread the e-mail, and hurried to double-check it. There it was, in black and white!  I was so totally crestfallen over my goof.  All this food was ready, and now Doug had to go to his hair appointment hungry.  Tears pushed their way to the surface as I felt like a total failure.  I lamented over it and chastised myself for my failure.

I called Doug and apologized for not reading his e-mail correctly.  I told him I felt just terrible over it.  He replied, “Now, that’s a belief you have.  You don’t have to feel that way.  It’s okay, and I am not a victim.  I love you, Mom.”

The tears squeezed even harder against my eyeballs as I hung up the phone.

Dave was ready to bless our food, but I didn’t feel like praying.  He said,”You have to let it go, Elaine,” and gently put his hand on my arm.  Part of me wanted to be angry and reject his wisdom.  He said, “Out of the thousands of meals you’ve prepared, you make one little mistake, and berate yourself over it.  Let it go.  It’s okay to not be perfect.” 

I wanted to retort, “I’m far from perfect, and I’ve messed up lots of things in my life.  And I don’t like myself right now!”  But the Holy Spirit in me helped me to let it go.  He helped me be kind to me. 

Are you kind to you?  Do you give yourself goodwill?  Sometimes the one we’re most unkind to is ourselves.  I’ve come a long way over the years, but I used to say unkind things to my mirror.  I’d compare myself to other women who were slim, pretty, or talented.  I’d wonder if others were saying unkind things about me.  Those were the years Joyce Meyer’s books and TV ministry filled my life, and God used her so much to help me overcome a bad self-image.  Her books “Beauty for Ashes” and “Me and My Big Mouth” helped me tremendously, and I highly recommend them to you. 

I hope you’re not someone who says, “I don’t need to read books; all I need is the Bible; it’s just Jesus and me.” That kind of attitude smacks of pride; God made us to need each other, and the insights and gifts He’s placed in us.  No one is an island!

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV) says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  You are someone, aren’t you?  When you are kind to yourself you can then genuinely be kind to others. 

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Is "Homemaker" A Dirty Word?

“A pregnant woman with her hair in curlers, wearing a frumpy housecoat and bedroom slippers.”  This was the humorous input of my oldest son, Doug, when I told him I was opening this post with the question of what image comes to mind when the word “homemaker” is said. 

Okay—not the most flattering definition.  Ahem.   

Perhaps you think of June Cleaver, Beaver’s mother with coiffed hair, bracelets on her arms, a string of pearls at her neck, sporting heels and an apron in the kitchen.  Is the mother of “Leave it to Beaver” your picture of a “homemaker?” 

Or is it June Lockhart as Timmy’s apron-wearing mother in the TV show, “Lassie,” your perfect image of a homemaker?”

   

Maybe you envision Aunt Bee on the Andy Griffith show bustling about, keeping things running smoothly for the Sheriff of Mayberry.  Aunt Bee, Andy Taylor’s paternal aunt, created a cozy home filled with warmth, laughter, love, and lots of good food for him and his son, Opie. 

Aunt Bee was played by actress Frances Bavier, but her personal life certainly didn’t reflect the part she played on the show.  I read online that Aunt Bee’s latter years were spent in seclusion in a spacious two-story Siler City home, and rarely left her house.  Her homemaking skills portrayed on the show were sadly absent from her own home.   

When she died, her dark and dingy home reeked with the stench of her fourteen cats that used a shower stall and a basement room as a litter box.  The plaster was peeling off the walls, there were no curtains on the windows, the walls were bare except for a few clocks, and the carpets and upholstery were worn and frayed. She had a $700,000 estate and personal belongings valued at $31,683.  Aunt Bee was known on the show for her good cooking, but there was only one cookbook in her house.

What do you think the world would say about a Christian wife whose home was as dismal, dirty and chaotic as Frances Bavier’s?  The Word of God would certainly be maligned.  That’s why it does matter how we live; it reflects on God if we carry His name. 

So—what does “being busy at home” look like, as instructed by God in Titus 2:3-5?

The word “keepers” in Strong’s Concordance at #3626 says it means “a guard, be ‘ware,’ a stayer at home, ie, domestically inclined, a good housekeeper.  The words “stayer at home” and “domestically inclined” caught my attention. 

Traditionally in the church, wives didn’t work outside the home except in extreme hardship cases.  They stayed home, raised a family and “kept house.”  But when the Women’s Lib movement came along, attitudes of “liberation” also found their way into the church.  I’m not sure how much of that is good, to tell you the truth.  In that respect, I’m glad for those old TV shows “Leave It to Beaver” and “Lassie.”  Call me a traditionalist fuddy-duddy if you want, but I have seen too much heartache and turmoil in marriages and homes because of this “liberation,” and a disrespectful, superior attitude toward men.   

Do you ever feel embarrassed by the term “stay-at-home-mom?”  You shouldn’t.  Being a mother and a homemaker is a high calling given by God.  The home environment you create and the children you raise for God are building blocks in the fabric of a stable society.  Remember: as the home, so the nation.

  

Some Christian women would rather run around shopping all day instead of cleaning a dirty house.  Dishes pile up in the sink, but she doesn’t feel like doing them.  Laundry that needs doing overflows the baskets, but she accepts invitations to attend jewelry parties, home decorating parties and lunch with friends instead.  She neglects paying the bills on time, and even loses her mail because of the mounds of clutter.  Meals are haphazard and unappetizing.  After all, she’s liberated; who has time for the mundane?

Some women simply want to work outside the home and be a gad-about because they can’t stand the mess at home.  Such a one needs training by a godly woman on how to manage her home.  And seriously, some women don’t even know how to clean a house because they have never been taught by their mothers.

Does it mean she can’t have a job outside the home?  I say a Christian wife shouldn’t have a job outside the home if she can’t manage her own household first.  Sometimes because of financial necessity, especially in the case of a single mom, she will have to work.  But she still needs to manage her home well.  Tough challenge.  My heart goes out to those women for whom this is true. 

If a woman wants to work outside the home, I believe the Spirit of God is saying that a woman must not neglect her children or her home, so that no one will have anything bad to say about the Gospel of Jesus Christ on account of how she lives.  It does matter how one lives.  I believe a mother should see her kids off to school and be home when the kids get home from school.  

To the best of her ability, the wife should make her home a haven, a place of peace, cleanliness, order and beauty.  The way a house looks affects the emotions and attitudes of every member of the family.  A home that is neglected reflects her attitude that she doesn’t really care about the family members either.    

The woman of Proverbs 31:10-31 is our godly example.  She was a business woman with good business sense, was diligent with her work and in her home, and had time for charitable work as well.  She watched over the affairs of her household and didn’t engage in gossip and idleness.  She had a good name around town, and everyone respected her husband because she was an excellent homemaker.

Adam and Eve were to “keep” the garden, their home.  Hmm.  Eve blew it.  Now there’s something to ponder.  Wives have been given a high calling; why do we esteem it so lightly?  Don’t ever again say, “I’m just a stay-at-home mom.”

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Self Control and Purity

The apostle Paul writes in Titus 2:3-5: “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers, or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” 

My two previous posts were on husband/wife relationships, and mothers loving their children.  Today I want to talk about what I would say to a young wife about being self-controlled and pure, with the goal being not to malign the Word of God.

What does it mean to malign the Word of God?  According to Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary, “malign” means to be evil in nature or influence; showing intense, and often vicious, ill will.  It also means to utter misleading or false reports that injure and speak evil of someone or something.  Even subtle misrepresentation, not always deliberate lying, along with continued attack on a reputation, defames and slanders a good name. 

This means that women are to exhibit self-control and purity so no one can speak evil of God’s Word and bring disrepute to the name, “little Christ,” or Christian, by how a woman behaves. 

If you’re like me, you automatically associate the word “self-control” with dieting and weight loss. I have been conditioned to primarily think that way too.  And not over-eating certainly is part of being self-controlled.  So is drinking wine in excess, which causes drunkenness and ungodly behavior.  Indeed, our Scripture passage from which I’m writing these posts says that the older women should teach the younger wives not to be addicted to much wine.  But there are other areas I want to address as well.

We need to refrain from gossip.  James 3:2 says “We all stumble in many ways.  If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.”  Whether at a Bible study or a Pampered Chef party, it’s especially easy for women to gossip about someone, dissecting juicy tidbits of gossip that make one feel better than “that person.”  Ask God to fill you with His love for others; practice thinking kind and helpful thoughts about others, giving them grace just as you would want to receive grace from someone.

We women need to keep our tempers under control.  We can’t suck words back into our mouths after they leave the lips.  We need to regularly pray, “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”  (Psalm 141:3)

You may not think that the subject of keeping your promises is a matter of self control, but it is.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep or have no intention of keeping.  Your word must be your bond.  Psalm 115:4 tells us we must keep our promises even when it hurts.  Be a woman of integrity! 

Be pure in heart.  What does that look like?  It means having eyes only for your husband, and keeping the secret places of your heart devoted to him, your marriage relationship and your family.  Don’t look to another man (pastor or not) for understanding, sympathy and counsel.  Keep yourself only to your husband, so long as you both shall live.

I’ll add a personal illustration here that I shared sometime in 2012 on this blog.  When my kids were in school, I became addicted to watching soap operas.  One day I suddenly became aware of the thought, “having an affair wouldn’t be so bad.”  I was shocked at the thought.  In horror, I watched as the Lord revealed to me what my life would be like if I ever had an affair.  I would lose my Christian witness, my family, my children’s respect and influence in their lives, and bring disgrace on my whole family.  It terrified me so badly that I turned that TV off and never watched any soap operas again! 

So I’m warning you: be careful what you watch on TV.  The devil uses subtle means to sow his thoughts into your brain.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  (Proverbs 4:23)  Be careful of the romance novels you read.  Would Jesus want you to read them?  Would Jesus approve of the TV shows you watch? 

We women need to be circumspect about the way we dress.  I believe the way a woman dresses reflects what’s in her heart.  Is her heart pure?  Then she will want to dress modestly.  By that I mean she will be very self-conscious of wearing plunging necklines and short skirts.  I know it’s very common, even in church, to see women and young girls with necklines that show three to four inches of cleavage.  I have been embarrassed more than once by what I saw.  Ladies, don’t shame yourself or the name of Jesus by dressing like that.  Wear what you would want to wear around Jesus, and you’ll do well.  Don’t let your heart be drawn to lure the attention of the opposite sex.  It matters how you live.  The Spirit of God works through your born-again spirit to change you.  A heart that wants to please God above all else is key here. 

I love the way the Amplified Bible translates I Timothy 2:9: “Also I desire that women should adorn themselves modestly and appropriately and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with elaborate hair arrangement or gold or pearls or expensive clothing, but by doing good deeds…as befits women who profess reverential fear for and devotion to God.”

For two years before I got married and one year after I was married, I worked in the Flushing Shirt Factory in Meyersdale, PA.  I worked next to a lady who was an unbeliever.  At that time I was a Mennonite, and I’d been trying to share Jesus with her, when one day she quipped, “You know, those Amish women who wear long dresses are no better than those who don’t.  It just takes them longer to get their skirts up.”  Talk about diverting attention from the subject at hand!  But I wondered if she knew someone who lived an immoral lifestyle.  I sincerely hoped not.

Be self-controlled and pure, dear sisters in Christ.

God bless you.

(All Scriptures are from the NIV unless otherwise noted.)

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

When Mother Love Is Not

 “If your mother is/was wonderful, be grateful.  Not every child is so lucky.”  (Dr. Melody T. McCloud)

It may seem strange to hear a command from the Lord in Titus 2:4-5 that older women are to teach younger women to love their children.  One would think that loving your child is an automatic given.  But is it? 

Mother’s Day is supposed to be a day to honor Mother.  All the cards say things like, “Thank you for being the most wonderful mother in the world… You were always there for me – supporting me, encouraging me, helping me be all I could be…

But for too many, it’s a pain-filled time.

Why would a mother not love her children?  Perhaps she had no role model when she grew up, so she treats her children as she was treated. Another reason could be that the child was fathered by a man who raped or divorced her.

Perhaps the mother simply sees him/her as a bother, limiting the fulfillment of her dreams and aspirations in life.  She may not like what having a baby can do to her figure – she’s narcissistic. 

One thing is certain: the mother never bonded with her child. 

As I did some research, I was stunned by what I found.  For example, I learned that psychiatrists have a name for a “condition” where mothers deliberately make their child sick, subject him to many medical tests and procedures, and even have him/her hospitalized.  All the while, people praise Mother for being so devoted and attentive.  The “condition,” called MSP, describes a mother who uses her children in mean ways (even adult children) to gain praise and sympathy for themselves.  Unbelievable!  A bad mother can be manipulative, jealous, deceitful, and harmful – even wicked.

The other week I helped Wendy Morad edit a manuscript for the book she’s writing about the story of her life, titled “Hope Kept Me Alive.”  I felt sick to my stomach as I read of the horrible years of abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother and others who were supposed to love and care for her.  Wendy gave me written permission to share anything I wanted to from her manuscript.

“My Catholic mother almost aborted me.  Her marriage to my father failed.  Then, as a five-year-old, I was kidnapped, abandoned, given away by my own mother and raised by a stranger.  My childhood was saturated with physical and emotional pain as I endured dysfunction and bizarre mistreatment.  Inside I was a dying soul; my body was bruised, often bleeding, and taken advantage of.  If there ever was a human punching bag, it was I.

“My mom gave me to Linda to raise.  I was taught to steal for her and lie.  Many times after I would drift off to sleep I was suddenly awakened by Linda.  She would beat me up in my bed, pull my hair, slap me around, scratch or hurt me in cruel ways.  That experience was like some kind of malicious shock treatment I had to endure without sedation.  I was tormented with nightmares for years.  If I wasn’t awakened by Linda, demons would take their turns torturing me… I lived in constant fear from a very young age.  I was afraid to close my eyes at night…

“I saw my mother once in a while after I was given to Linda.  At the age of nine I watched my mother try to kill herself as she picked up sharp pieces of a broken mirror off the floor and slit her wrist.  I watched her push the glass into her wrist and move it back and forth…I don’t remember how deep the cuts were or how much blood she lost, or who came to help…my mind blocked it out…

“My mom was embarrassing to be around.  She was irrational and disorderly, and communication consisted of outbursts of anger, arguing, crying, throwing and breaking things, even the Walkman I had received as a Christmas present.  She crushed my heart and made me feel hated.  She was happy to see me upset, and never offered an apology.  She destroyed my toys, ripped and cut my dolls apart with scissors.  She stole my money in my piggy bank after she smashed it to the floor.  My mother broke my heart. I just wanted to be loved, to feel secure, to feel wanted…

“How I longed for a kind word.  My favorite childhood phrase was, “I’m rubber and you’re glue; what you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”  I was a victim of bullying at school, with no one to comfort me.  I could never relax…”

Wendy’s life is (hopefully) not a picture of the great majority of families.  But I know that there are many young mothers with some dysfunction who need to be taught how to love their children or the command to do so wouldn’t be in the Scriptures.

 Since I am an older woman of sixty-seven years, a lover of Jesus and a mother of three and grandmother of four, I am to teach the younger women.  If I were to mentor a younger woman to love her children, I would want to take the following steps:

1.  Make sure she has declared Jesus to be the Lord of her life.

2.  Pray with her against trauma suffered in her own life and ask God to set her free and forgive those who hurt her so she can love and bond with her children.  Teach her to pray, and to ask her children for forgiveness for any wrong treatment they received from her.

   

3.  Teach her not to place unreasonable demands on her children, but to be gentle with them.  “Let your gentleness be evident to all…” (Philippians 4:5) and “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:32)  

4.  Teach her to encourage the child, give her compliments, and say nice things about her to others. “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  (Colossians 4:6)  Another scripture I think of is Proverbs 31:26: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.”  (NKJ)

5.  Teach her not to let harsh, demeaning talk – cursing, swearing, etc, come out of her mouth – not to crush her child’s spirit.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.”  (Ephesians 4:29)

6.  Teach her that no physical abuse is allowed.  “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”  (Ephesians 4:31) The command given to fathers in Ephesians 6:4 is also a command for mothers: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (NKJ)

7.  Teach her to provide proper nourishment – learn to cook good meals.  Proverbs 31:15 says, “She gets up while it is still dark, and provides food for her family.” 

8.  Teach her ways to discipline her child with godly instruction and fairness.  “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  (Proverbs 22:6)

9.  Teach her to make time to play with her children.  “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Philippians 2:4

10.  Teach her to show affection to her children with hugs, pats on the back, favors granted, and smiles. “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly [and I would add 'motherly'] love, in honor preferring one another.”  Romans 12:10 (KJV)

Here’s a link for further reading on the subject of mothers who don’t love their children:

http://revangiem-n.com/tag/why-doesnt-my-mother-love-me-why-dont-i-love-my-children-mother/

In closing I’m reminded of a poem by William Ross Wallace and the famous line that reads, “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”  http://www.potw.org/archive/potw391.html

What an awesome privilege and responsibility we have as mothers to love our children! 

Note:  All scriptures are from the NIV unless otherwise noted.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Carrie and Trent

Carrie:

Carrie gritted her teeth and slammed the dishes into the dishwasher.  She couldn’t believe Trent would be so insensitive on her birthday!  Not that he noticed—he never even mentioned her birthday.  Why hadn’t he taken her out to dinner to celebrate? Instead, he even turned on the television to watch an episode of M*A*S*H during dinner.  She felt like she could m-a-s-h him.

She brushed away angry tears as she wiped the table and countertops furiously, and glanced at Trent settled comfortably in his favorite chair watching TV and reading the newspaper.  How could he take her so for granted?  Look at him -- taking it easy while she was still slaving away, cleaning up after a dinner she shouldn't have had to make in the first place.  

Carrie made up her mind to not say anything.  She would be “noble” and suffer in silence.  This wasn’t the first time she’d felt disappointed by Trent.  Why couldn’t he treat her like he used to when they were dating?  He’d been so attentive and thoughtful then…

Trent:

Trent peered at Carrie over the newspaper.  Why was she acting so strangely?  She hardly said a word during dinner, and the sound of dishes flung into the dishwasher alerted him that something was up.  He noticed her deep sigh and flushed cheeks.  Was she angry about something? 

It seemed she’d changed a lot lately.  His mind went back to last week when Justin and Marybeth came over to watch a movie, and he’d cringed with embarrassment as Carrie put him down in front of his friends. She’d criticized what he was wearing and talked about how he snored when he slept.  She said how he was too outspoken in their life group at church and walked through the house like a blundering moose. 

Maybe it had something to do with that diet book he’d given her last month…  He focused his attention back on the television.  There'd be no romance in this house tonight...

The Crazy Cycle

What’s going on here?  According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book, “Love and Respect,” Carrie and Trent have gotten themselves onto the “Crazy Cycle” and can’t seem to get off.  It goes something like this:

Because she feels unloved, Carrie reacts to Trent without respect; without respect from Carrie, Trent reacts to her without love.  Can you see this crazy wheel?  Is there a way off this destructive merry-go-round?  (Only it’s not so “merry!”)

 

Let’s pretend Trent could see a picture of Carrie’s emotional world.  Love is the air she needs to breathe, and there’s an imaginary hose connected to her love tank.  When Trent steps on her air hose, Carrie feels unloved.

If Carrie could see Trent’s need to breathe the air of respect, she wouldn’t be so quick to step on the air hose attached to his love tank and make him feel disrespected. 

When you see the spirit of the other deflate, and communication shuts down (or maybe a royal verbal battle ensues), you would know you are stepping on their air hose.  Don’t exercise squatter’s rights: get off! 

“Well,” you may ask, “Who’s to get off first?” 

Here’s some good advice: the one who considers himself the most spiritual goes first.  Humility and good communication skills are keys in “clearing the air.”  Placing blame only makes the crazy cycle spin faster.

Maybe you don’t know what to say.  Here are some dialog openers you may find helpful:    

The husband could say to his wife, “I feel disrespected.  Did I come across to you as unloving just now?” 

And the wife could say to her husband, “That felt unloving to me.  Did I just come across as disrespectful toward you?”

The Energizing Cycle

Dr. Eggerichs describes the energizing cycle: his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.  That wheel will take you in the direction you want to go!

Husband, speak kindly to your wife and encourage her.  Speak well of her and keep her faults between the two of you.  Shield and protect your wife from physical harm and verbal abuse of others.  Thank her for the good things she does, build her up, and value her.  

Learn what things make your spouse feel loved or respected, whether it’s receiving gifts, or words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, or quality time. 

If you don’t’ know your love language, I recommend both husband and wife take this quiz on Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, and let each other know what yours is.

Both husband and wife should practice being cheerful and friendly.  I wonder how much marital trouble could be avoided if they just did this one thing: smile at one another!  Guard your marriage by refusing to take offense and allowing it to fester. 

Wife, brag about your husband’s good points to others and speak well of him.  Tell him his faults in private if you must, but don’t ever despise him in your heart.  Thank him for doing things for you and don’t take him for granted.  Comment on things well done.  Do things that you know make him feel respected.  Proverbs 31: 11-12 says, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life.”

I love how the Amplified Bible speaks to the husband-wife relationship in Ephesians 5:33.  “However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates him, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.]

You’ll stay off the Crazy Cycle and enjoy the Energizing Cycle instead. 

God bless you, dear reader.

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

Loneliness

Several years ago my mom and I visited a facility that housed elderly residents.  I remember the smells, the lonely looks in the eyes of those with nothing to do, sitting in wheel chairs parked along the side of hallways.  A few reached out a feeble hand as if to ask for help or to feel someone's touch.  Most of them looked at us with dull eyes that spoke of resignation and hopelessness—and utter loneliness. 

There are also lots of people walking the streets, in the workplace, sitting in our churches, shopping in grocery stores, or sitting around a family table who feel the painful devastation of loneliness.  Sometimes those who seem to be the “life of the party” in a crowd or who are the “social butterfly,” are the loneliest of all when they slip between the sheets at night.  Alone, and forgotten.

Lucy struggles with loneliness.  She and her husband live in a gorgeous home, and as the CEO of his own company he makes a great income. Work keeps him occupied seven days a week while Lucy tries to fill her lonely days with shopping, watching TV, or sometimes going out with friends or to a Bible study.  When she comes home from church, she eats alone either at home or in a restaurant because Brandon is engrossed in his work or busy watching television. 

Paula’s husband comes home from work, eats dinner then flops in his easy chair where he falls asleep watching TV.  She and Rob don’t really have any friends, and they never go out.  So she tries to find solace in reading myriads of books and taking online courses to pass the lonely evening hours.  Her heart feels withered and dry from the barren, heart-wrenching loneliness she feels.  Day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year passes with no change. 

Gary feels lonely when his wife, Susan, expects him to get his own dinner, then chooses to spend evenings at the computer or go out bowling with her friends instead of taking some time to sit with him while he watches a football game or TV show he likes.  He feels lonely when she criticizes and disrespects him, especially in front of others.

Dan says ever since the baby came, Nancy has no time for him.  She’s always giving attention to the baby, and expects him to do his share of feeding, diapering and laundry as well, which he is glad to do.  But Nancy seems to only be tuned to the baby’s needs and forgets about his need for companionship and romance.  Dan feels lonely.

Children can be lonely too.  How many kids feel rejected and unloved, unnoticed by their parents?  Could it be that the bullies in our schools are products of homes where they are unnoticed, unappreciated, and taken for granted?  If they feel isolated and not socially connected in school, kids tend to drop out of school.  Too often they begin a life of delinquency and other antisocial behavior.  Could it be that these are the children who grow up to become a burden to society and our already burgeoning prisons? 

As I watched the heart-breaking news of the shootings at the Navy Yard in D.C. this week, I had to wonder what kind of home life Aaron Alexis had as a child.  Did he have a father who engaged him in healthy dialogue, affirmed him as a person and showed him unconditional love?  What kind of mother did he have?  Did he feel valued by his parents? Was he taught that God loved him and had a good plan for his life because of Jesus?

Mother Teresa is quoted as saying, “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”  She spent her life rescuing unwanted children from the streets of Calcutta.

I remember reading about a horrible social experiment years ago (I think it was in Russia) where some orphaned babies were put in a group and only fed and changed; there was to be no social interaction, no eye contact or physical touch beyond absolute necessity whatsoever from the caregiver.  The babies were in excellent health, but over half had died before six months lapsed.  When the baby’s attempts to gain eye contact and response from the caregiver by its verbal gurgles and coos failed, all movement ceased.  When the baby was unable to gain any empathy, he gave up and died.  My heart feels sick when I recall this terrible tragedy. 

I’ve read somewhere that even babies in the womb who are unwanted during pregnancy are affected by the thoughts of the mother, and may experience depression, loneliness, or other maladjustment's later on in life.  There are plenty of websites with information that confirm what I read.  Positive thoughts (and words) may be the most important health tip for any expectant mother.

Indeed, the feeling of being unwanted has to be the most terrible emotional and mental poverty that leaves the wounded looking for love in all the wrong places.  Family relationships that are broken and dysfunctional leave children feeling abandoned and empty because they feel “invisible” and unloved.        

Sometimes children go through periods of loneliness when they feel they have no one to play with and feel excluded from others, especially if the family moves to a new area and school district.  Or they may feel lonely when they lose a pet or special possession, and most definitely when they lose a friend, parent or grandparent. 

It’s imperative that we parents keep open hearts, eyes, and ears to the facial expressions, words and behavior of our children.  Don’t let the pressures of life make you see your children as a bother rather than a blessing.  Your child will surely pick up on your attitude, and he will feel distanced from you.  How can he feel free to talk to you if he feels he’s just in your way and you have no time for him? You may provide the best clothes, food, and shelter money can buy, but if your child doesn’t feel valued or cherished, it means little to him.  What he wants and needs are understanding and acceptance, a loving touch and words spoken with kindness and reassurance that help him flourish.  

We all have a fundamental need for friends, close relationships and inclusion in a group.  Without that need filled, people can fall apart mentally and physically.  I love the Father’s heart shown in Psalm 68:5-6: “A father to the fatherless, defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families; He leads forth the prisoners with singing…”

People are the most valuable and important thing on this earth.  If you sense someone is withdrawn or lonely, have the love and courage to ask them if they’re okay.  Look to the interests of others and bear their burdens.  Scriptures I think of are Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ,” and Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Someone needs to care!  You never know what a phone call, a kind smile, a cheerful conversation, or a light touch on an arm or shoulder can do for someone.

God doesn’t want anyone to feel lonely, desolate, or aching inside.  Jesus died and rose from death as us, taking our place. “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement needful to obtain peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes that wounded Him we are healed and made whole.” (Isaiah 53:5, Amplified Bible)

Jesus is our best Friend Who sticks closer than a brother.  And we need to be “Jesus with skin on” to others, too.

God bless you with good friends, dear Reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

                      

Little Foxes

A Simply Said wall application above the door to our bedroom

Divorce is devastating to adults, but especially so to children.  It brings intense feelings of anger, rejection, resentment, retaliation, hopelessness, guilt and shame.  The wounds are very deep, devastating and difficult to heal.  Two people who were joined together at the deepest soul level are being torn apart, and the pieces are not pretty. 

Little foxes spoil the vine, as King Solomon said in Song of Solomon 2:15.  Divorce doesn’t just happen overnight.  It begins little by little.  In the case of infidelity, the offender begins to have thoughts he / she should not heed.  Infidelity so often begins with pornography seen on the internet or in magazines, or an inappropriate interaction with a co-worker.  Repeated thoughts turn into actions, and repeated actions turn into the fruit of adultery and usually, divorce.  

To safeguard your marriage, never go to bed with resentment in your heart toward your spouse.  This is done by humbling yourself before the Lord and saying in your heart to Him, “I take authority over this resentful thought in Jesus’ Name; it will have no power over me or my marriage.  I choose to forgive my husband / wife, and I bless him / her in Jesus’ name.”  Allow it no place in your mind, for, as surely as you’re reading my words, it will grow rapidly into a weed that can choke the good will right out of your marriage.

Then, if necessary, talk to your spouse about what they said or did and how that made you feel.  Don’t say things like, “You always…,” or “You never…”  That drives the wedge in deeper and Satan cheers.  Instead, tell your spouse, “What you said / did makes me feel....”  You fill in the blank: angry, disappointed, sad, afraid, unloved, disrespected, etc.  If your mate has any empathy at all, the gap can be bridged and peace made by verbal apology, assurances, a hug and kiss, etc.

Keep control of your mind, your thinking process.  Refuse to allow your mind to fantasize about a relationship with another person.  Kill it at the root immediately.

Don’t let your imagination run wild or allow the devil’s lies to blow things out of proportion.  Be rational and willing to listen to your mate's feelings and point of view. 

Don’t give the devil materials to construct a wall of division while you sleep.  Remember the devil hates you and your spouse; he hates godly marriage, and seeks to destroy it wherever and whenever he can.  He is relentless.  You must also be relentless in refusing to allow even the teeniest offense to build a stronghold in your mind.  Forgive, and be forgiven; don’t be too proud to say “I’m sorry.”  Run those little foxes off; don't allow them to hang around "just a little longer."  Don't nurse a grudge -- ever.  It may seem tiny, but it is a deadly seed.  

So often in an argument, nobody wants to be the first one to apologize, because you believe the other person is clearly in the wrong.  The silent treatment and turning backs to one another is another maneuver the devil applauds.  But a heart touched by the Spirit of God will be one of humility and wisdom.  “The wisdom that is from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle; willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”  James 3:17-18 (NKJ)

Sometimes one might think, "Why is it always me having to give in first?  Why can't she/he humble themselves first?"  I believe in a comment I heard once: "The one who is the most mature spiritually goes first."  How's that for competition?

I'm not saying one should be a door mat for the other one to always step on.  Far from it.  Part of a good marriage is confronting behavior that makes one feel like a door mat and talking about it.

No one said having a good marriage is easy; it requires a lot of dying to self in both husband and wife, and having an ultimate allegiance to their marriage vows said before God and other witnesses.  It requires living to please the Lord rather than oneself.

“The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?’  And He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’  So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.”  (Matthew 19:4-6, NKJ)

God bless you, dear reader!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy

The Car Wash

I rummaged through my wallet to see if I had a coupon for half off at Embassy Car Wash.  The place sure was busy this morning.  Giving up, I pulled out my credit card as my thoughts went to the packing I still had to do for our weekend trip to Pennsylvania.

As I waited in line I overheard a conversation between the cashier and a woman in front of the customer ahead of me.  I wondered why she was there; she just stood there talking to the cashier.  

The slender woman I’ll call Patricia was neatly dressed with her blonde hair tightly slicked back and neatly tucked into a pony tail, and her jeans and top were clean.  Her eyes were a dull pale blue.   

Cashier to Patricia:  “You look sad today.”

Patricia: “I'm depressed.  I have depression.  All I want to do is sit around the house and cry.  When my kids ask me what’s wrong, I tell them something sad on TV made me cry.”

Patricia talked fast like she had been holding that bit of information in for a long time.

Cashier, with sympathy:  “I have a friend who is depressed too.”

Patricia:  “I'm so tired.  I have such horrible nightmares -- I’m afraid to go to sleep; so I force myself to stay awake until one o’clock in the morning.  I just don’t want to go to sleep.  I’ve taken Prozac for seven years, but I’ve been off it for over a month now because I can’t afford the twenty dollars per month for the medication.  My husband works for eight dollars an hour and now they took away our medical insurance.  I’ve looked and looked for a job, but there’s nothing out there.”

Cashier: “I know what you mean.  My boyfriend lost his insurance too, and he’s looking for a better job.”

Patricia sighed, put an elbow on the counter, and was quiet.  She propped her head on her hand, and looked out the window of the car wash to the workers busily wiping down cars.

As the cashier rang me up, my mind went back to the time in my life when I suffered severe anxiety-based depression.  As I signed my credit card slip, I noticed her tennis shoes had seen better days.  I could tell she was trying hard to keep herself together.

Cashier: “Ain’t it the truth! When you wanna work, there’s nothin’ out there that pays enough to live off of; and for those who don’t wanna work, they get welfare checks, can sit home all day, watch TV and make real good money.”

I wondered if the cashier heard the same news report I’d heard that said welfare recipients can make anywhere from thirty thousand to fifty thousand and even more (in Hawaii) on welfare. 

Patricia placed her elbows on the counter, crossed her arms, then put her head down on her arms. 

Before I could think twice, I found myself opening my wallet to see how much cash I had.  I pulled out thirty dollars, and moved toward her, getting her attention before pressing the money into her right hand.

A shocked look spread across her face. “Oh my gosh!” Patricia exclaimed.

I told her God loves her, sees and cares about her and her family.  Would she allow me to pray for her in Jesus’ Name?  She said “yes,” and quickly bowed her head in that public place as people walked around us.  I leaned in close to her, and she gripped my hand like a person grasping a life line.

I commanded those nightmares to stop, in Jesus’ Name. I blessed her with good health and asked the Lord to bring a better-paying job for her husband and meet all their needs.  I spoke peace into her life and called her my friend as I lifted her up to the Lord.  I was conscious of the presence of the Holy Spirit on me as I looked to Him to work in this woman’s life.

She was in no hurry to let go of my hand.  I told her I had suffered with severe anxiety-based depression in 2004-2005 and had been on a medication for a year and three months.  So I understood about clinical depression, and told her I believed she’d be okay just like I’m now totally okay. 

My next action could be considered risky, but I reached into my purse, pulled out my business card case and handed her a contact card, saying, “If you ever need to talk…”  I gave her a smile and reassuring pat on the back, and made my exit.

Cars had to drive around my waiting vehicle, but I didn’t care.  Kingdom business takes precedence over everything else – even at a car wash! 

My 67^th birthday was indeed blessed and off to a great start!

Copyright © 2013 Elaine Beachy